December 16, 2010
Lists of classic "hockey names" are wonderful, if only because they allow us a moment to recall Darren Rumble, Ron Tugnutt, Larry Playfair, Per Djoos, Hakan Loob and other classics of the genre.
Also, sometimes the lists are completely bat-poop crazy in their logic. Such is the case with the following list by Chris Richards (s/t Kukla), who writes the fantasy sports blog The Deep End for The Province. His rationale: "Points are earned for sounding blue collar, alliteration, being the same as another person, the ease at which it can be turned in to a nickname and general badassery."
Based on that criteria, here are his top 8 best names in the NHL today, with his justification:
7. Wayne Simmonds(notes) - The blackest name in the league. Maybe it's racist to say that and I'm opening myself up to being called a bigot but Wayne Simmonds has the blackest name in the NHL and I think it's fannnnntastic.
6. Derek Boogard (sic) - He is absolutely terrifying and his name lends itself so well to the nickname "The Boogeyman." Good reason to crack the top ten.
4. Logan Couture(notes) - Maybe it's because I associate the name Logan with Wolverine. Maybe it's because I associate the name Couture with MMA fighter Randy Couture. Put them together and you have a badass name. Sounds like an international man of mystery.
3. Zenon Konopka(notes) - His name could very well be that of a far off planet in a galaxy located in an entirely different solar system. The fact that he is a complete beast that fights anything wearing a jersey doesn't hurt. He earns top Euro honours at number three.
2. Kevin Shattenkirk(notes) - I've said it before and I'll scream it from the rooftops. I LOVE THIS NAME! It's as if legendary Canadian screen actor William Shatner had sex with his iconic television character Captain James Tiberius Kirk and they somehow procreated and The Shattenkirk emerged. His recent streak of 14 points in 12 games proves he is more than just a pretty name.
1. Cal Clutterbuck(notes) - The undisputed name champion. First of all his name is Cal. Just Cal. I can't find eveidence that it is Calvin or anything else. So that's awesome. And then Clutterbuck. It is a surname that is so majestic that it couldn't possibly be made up. Put them together. Cal Clutterbuck. Glorious. The best part is he is pencilled in to the NHL record book right now with the mark for most hits in a season with 356 (in 78 games). So for right now, the awe-inspiring, alliterative moniker that legends are made of, Cal Clutterbuck, takes his place alongside the fellow greats of the game.
Well that was witty ... although in full disclosure, we're absolutely offended by his justification for Wayne Simmonds. Everyone knows Jack Johnson has the blackest name in the League.