December 15, 2011
The Seven is an arbitrary list of randomly connected hockey subjects that will run every Thursday on Puck Daddy. Agree to disagree.
The breakout star of "HBO 24/7 Flyers Rangers" last night was Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ilya Bryzgalov, whose meandering thoughts on the mysteries of the universe and vast knowledge of endangered species laws made for an instant classic.
On of HBO's producers told us on Marek Vs. Wyshynski that we can expect to see more of Bryz during the next three episodes. But that's not nearly enough. In fact, HBO should just turn all of its original programming over to the Socrates of netminders.
Here are The 7 Ilya Bryzgalov HBO spinoffs we'd pay to see.
1. "Curb Your Bryzthusiasm"
Larry David is a professional curmudgeon. Ilya Bryzgalov is an immigrant that a Los Angeles judge rules must live in Larry's house for 60 days after an unfortunate dispute over taking seconds at a buffet at a local Russian restaurant. Hilarity ensues when Larry accidentally runs over a tiger with his Prius and Bryzgalov must hide him from Chinese authorities and Susie Essman, who owned the tiger.
Sample Quote: "This is tiger, Larry! Is less than 500 species left on the Earth! If you kill tiger and they found you, you dead. That's it, Larry!"
2. "The Bryzpranos"
Working for a reputed mob boss in the suburbs of South Jersey, Ilya Bryzgalov spends the better part of nine years collecting money he hasn't actually earned. One incredible episode features Bryzgalov and cohort Paulie Walnuts stranded in the snowy Pine Barrens; luckily, Bryzgalov is familiar with being lost in the woods and survives.
Sample Quote: "Why you heff to be made?"
3. "Humangous Big Love"
A lonely professional goaltender mistakenly orders a dozen Russian brides through a catalog and enters into a polygamous relationship with all of them. Friends and neighbors become suspicious when Bryzgalov misses a quarter of the Flyers' games to "celebrate anniversary." When the scandal is uncovered, Bryzgalov contends that his marriages are like a small tiny galaxy in the solar system of matrimony.
Sample Quote: "Don't worry. Be happy. And happy and happy and happy and happy and happy and …"
4. "Ilyan Treatment"
Ilya Bryzgalov is professional therapist who spends the majority of each session rambling inanely while ignoring the issues of his patients. Eventually, we follow him to his own therapy session where … well, he spends the majority of the each session rambling inanely while ignoring this therapist.
Sample Quote: "And we have some problems here on the Earth compared, to, like, nothing?"
5. "The Why-You?"
Ilya Bryzgalov is a criminal stick-up man who reminds his victims that "is only a game" before shooting them in the hind parts over profits from slingin' rock. He ends up getting capped at a Korean grocery by an 8-year-old boy from Winnipeg holding a "Boo Bryzgalov" sign.
Sample Quote: "You come at Ilya, you heff to not miss."
Strange things are happening at a preposterous carnival (no, not the shootout). Brother Ilya Bryzgalov is a demonic preacher who can turn fertile farm land into a desolate wasteland with the swipe of his hand. Or as he calls it, "Make the vheat fields transform into Vinnipeg, you know?"
Sample Quote: "You know where you going? You going to hell. They go hard on goalies."
7. "Sex And the Bryzy"
Ilya Bryzgalov and his three sassy girlfriends drink cosmos, gossip and have copious amounts of intercourse in this laugh-free sitcom. Bryzgalov spends most of the episodes tossing out hockey-related double-entendres like "he could go five-hole on me anytime" and "looks like someone has an active stick." Things get really tense when guest star Sean Avery accuses Bryzgalov of borrowing his pair of Manolo Blahniks without returning them.
Sample Quote: "If you throw a ball instead of a puck, I'm not going to stop it."
Previously on Puck Daddy's The 7
The 7 Sean Avery fights that aren't completely terrible
The 7 great skater vs. goalie collisions that resulted in hilarity, chaos
The 7 NHL players with mind-blowing career plus/minus ratings
The 7 NHL journeymen nearing Mike Sillinger levels of relocation
The 7 neglected NHL fan pages we love
The 7 players we'd pay to watch in an NHL shootout
The 7 NHL veterans still livin' the dream in minor leagues
The 7 most heartwarming stories of the NHL preseason