March 12, 2010
"Greetings, true believers; Howler here. Please ignore the white flag, as it symbolizes nothing but a keen sense of accessorizing.
"Some of you may have seen Friday's story in the Globe & Mail about the state of ownership for our beloved Phoenix Coyotes, which is part of the paper's award-winning series titled 'Hat Trick!: Disparaging a Warm-Weather U.S. Market That Doesn't Deserve the Jets, Pressuring for Another Team in Our Coverage Area and Making Gary Bettman Look Like a Boob.'
"The story detailed how no one in the Ice Edge Holdings group, which signed a letter of intent to buy our team late last year, 'appears to have the substantial personal fortune needed to convince a banker or bankers to lend' them the money to actually buy the team. Mr. Bettman -- it's what he'd like us to call him, per that interoffice memo -- wants $160 million for the team so the NHL can recoup some losses. Hey, isn't that why they're suing Jerry Moyes into a life of cat food and refrigerator box condos?
"The problem: Some dude named Jeff just purchased the Tampa Bay Lightning from The Koules and Barrie Circus Co. for $100 million in cash, and the banks apparently don't believe the Coyotes should be valued for 60 percent more than that because we lose some money here and there. Obviously these banks are unaware of our 'buy 4 tickets, have Adrian Aucoin(notes) do your laundry' promotion that's been such a hit this season ...
"So despite our boys kicking more ass in the West than Clint Eastwood in a saloon brawl, there's an increasing chance that we still may not have an owner this summer, which makes Damien Cox of the Toronto Star believe there's an increasing chance that Phoenix may not have a team next season. Ed Willies of the Vancouver Province believes that Southern Ontario and/or Winnipeg could, and it may have Shane Doan(notes) on its roster. (It's subtle, but I suspect the Canadian media may not be all that supportive of hockey in Phoenix.)
"Nobody in Desert Dog Nation wants to see that happen. So as Coyotes mascot, I've taken it upon myself to crunch the numbers, survey the market and come up with a new asking price in order to facilitate this sale to Ice Edge: I'm asking for $27, a booklet of McDonald's gift certificates and a firm promise to never allow a Canadian billionaire to circumvent League rules and attempt to purchase a franchise through bankruptcy court. Because that last time ... whewwwww, right?
"That our astonishing run at the Cup is clouded with uncertainty off the ice stinks more than being hugged by a fat guy who smells of $6 nachos for a photo op in the cheap seats. Hopefully a new owner gives the Coyotes a chance to finally succeed in Glendale as a playoff contender, out from under the devastating, deleterious effects on the fan base that potential relocation has had. If not, then it'll be me, Stanley C. Panther, Stormy The Hog, Thrash the Bird and Thunderbug drinking our Sun Belt hockey frustrations away at that Furry convention this summer ...
"Thanks, and tickets are available ... sincerely, Howler"