There are actually two major stories about Sean Avery today. The first involves his hobby, professional ice hockey, as Avery has agreed to a four-year, $15.5 million contract with the Dallas Stars. The now -ormer New York Rangers forward will earn $3.5 million next season and then $4 million per year, according to Mike Heika of the Dallas Morning News, who followed that bit with the word "wow."

Earlier today, Heika broke down what it is Sean Avery will bring to the Dallas Stars besides fashion tips and the unmitigated scorn of opposing Western Conference goaltenders:

After making a few calls, I think Sean Avery would fit pretty good in Dallas. He could scale up and play with Brad Richards or he could play on a checking line with Steve Ott and really stir things up.

If Richards has the stomach for it, Avery is a vastly underrated offensive player. He goes to the net with reckless abandon and, as Marty Brodeur and Elisha Curthbert will tell you, Avery does what ever it takes to score. (OK, maybe Brodeur wouldn't tell you that, because he would have turned and walked away before you could get the "very" in "Avery" out.)

The Unstable Blogger offers several other reasons why Avery will work in Dallas, although the primary one appears to be "he's not Todd Bertuzzi." John Dellapina of the NY Daily News says so long to "The Grate One," and wonders if Vogue has a satellite office in Big D.

The other major Sean Avery news, as reported by Gawker, is that he compliments female fashion writers by telling them they will be fodder for his masturbation sessions, and then sending play-by-play of said sessions through text messages. Please tell us this isn't why Avery has found a way to spend over one thousand minutes in the penalty box.

Any volunteers to be the first to shake Avery's hand and welcome him to Dallas? What, no takers?