June 19, 2008
We were silently hoping Patrick Greene's octopus-tossing lawsuit against the Detroit Red Wings, which sought to ban the fan tradition at games because it allegedly violated the 1982 Michigan Bodies of Dead Animals Act, would provide us with comedic fodder for at least the next calendar year. After all, we're the reason it exists.
Unfortunately for us, and fortunately for the integrity of the U.S. justice system, the suit has been tossed from a Michigan court faster than a speeding cephalopod to the Joe Louis Arena ice.
From the Detroit Free Press:
A Texas man who sued Christopher Ilitch in U.S. District Court in Detroit to force him to stop Red Wings fans from tossing octopi on to the ice during hockey games has had his lawsuit thrown out of court.
Judge Nancy G. Edmunds in dismissing Patrick Greene's case said the complaint was "on its face, totally implausible, frivolous and devoid of merit."
The paper reports that Greene's lawsuit included the declaration that "octopus deserves to be protected from being used for entertainment only in its death"; which sounds like it was translated from another language until you realize it was written by a 60-year-old Texan.
Well, this was short and painless. Guess we'll just hold all of our great ideas -- the Patrick Greene legal defense fund, or using octopi to recreate the scene from "Patch Adams" where all the cancer kids walk into the courtroom for support -- for the next time-wasting dillweed who wants to sue a professional sports franchise over seafood.
UPDATE (6 p.m. EDT): Greene vows to fight on, taking his case to "the people of Michigan and the United States" (what, no "people of Earth?"), according to the Detroit News.
Thanks to Puck Daddy reader Jeff for the tip.