In a perfect world, homer-riffic Bruins announcer Jack Edwards would be calling the Boston Bruins' Stanley Cup Final games, Revolutionary War references at the ready and bellowing for Henrik Sedin(notes) to "GET UP" after a dive.
Alas, we'll just have to settle for Edwards offering surreal commentaries on WEEI's "Big Show," like this one after Game 1 in which he compares Alex Burrows biting Patrice Bergeron(notes) with the perils of breastfeeding. We [expletive] you not:
Here's the first Jack Edwards Soliloquy from before the Stanley Cup Final between the Bruins and Vancouver Canucks began. It's the sort of prose that you'd expect to find on a statue in a city square. Or muttered by a homeless man staggering around outside of Paul Revere House:
"His father was a Huguenot." "And his mother?" "Wasn't …"
Now, explain to us again why can't NBC give us an audio feed during this series that's just Jack Edwards, Andy Brickley, patriotic music and a 12-pack of Sam Adams?
s/t to reader Jay for the video.