August 22, 2008
Please recall the Vancouver Canucks are holding a contest where fans can design seldom seen backup goalie Curtis Sanford's mask this season. The deadline is 5 p.m. PST on August 25th, so there's still time for the hundreds of artists who spiced up our Gary Bettman art contest to spread their mirth to the Canucks ... although we're rather certain that a goalie mask with "Go For It, Jews" on it probably isn't going to get the green light.
The Two-Line Pass informs us that the Canucks have released two rather impressive galleries of contest submissions. Obviously, none of them are even close to the satirical genius of Earl Sleek's tribute to Dan Cloutier (top) or the "Being Roberto Luongo" mask from HPL of the Something Awful boards (below). Sleek has an entire collection of Sanford submissions on Battle of California; the Marc Crawford hair helmet is also rather amazing.
Having sampled the two galleries of submissions, a few handy reminders for the final days of the contest:
Enough with The Sandman, you idiots. Yes, it's his nickname, but he just had a "sandman" goalie mask this season and he wasn't even crazy about the moniker to begin with. The guy doesn't even have "sand" in his name; you're better off putting a photo of Redd Foxx on the mask. This also goes for anyone that submitted a mask with "Enter Sandman" on it. Because if he's "entering," it's probably because Roberto Luongo got chased, you dolts.
Oh, and no more Marvel Comics, either. For the hundred or so people who submitted a mask with images of Spider-Man's nemesis Flint Marco on it: Yeah, that'll fly. Nothing like opening up training camp and seeing Stan Lee waiting at the front door with his hand extended for a royalty check. Excelsior!
Save your mawkish tributes. Goalie masks are very personal things; if Sanford wanted to wear a tribute to Luc Bourdon on his face, he'd have made the decision already. These masks come off as intentionally maudlin, like those commercials where you can save a child for the price of a gumball each day. We usually change the channel.
No more Lance Armstrong. Hey, look, it's the athlete Sanford would like to most meet. What's his favorite food? Fried chicken, you say? Now, should his eyes be the wings or the thighs ...
Finally, save your time, because this contest is over. Go to the first preview gallery. Click the forward button four times. You will see an image where an eagle appears to be flying with a penis in its talons, while a lumberjack on skates is fellating a brown bear on the other side of the mask. Oh, and the entire thing is done in crayon. This isn't a goaltender's mask; this belongs in a museum. Or an asylum. One of the two.