(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here is Pittsburgh Penguins blogger Seth Rorabaugh of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, fondly recalling the 2010-11 Tampa Bay Lightning. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
By Seth Rorabaugh
Writing a "eulogy" for the Lightning doesn't seem appropriate.
After three dreadful seasons, the Lightning returned to the postseason and even gave the Capitals the first real threat they've seen for the Southeast Division in two seasons.
We should be celebrating the Lightning's return.
Or fear it.
Frankly, anything that could survive the bumbling ownership of Len Barrie and Oren Koules probably can't be truly killed, at least not without the benefit of a nuclear warhead or holy water.
The Lightning is a modern version of Rasputin. Or Doug Gilmour. It can't be killed. And it won't ever go away.
But there are ways you can combat the Lightning on an individual basis. Consider this a handy guide on how to fight the Lightning person by person.
Sean Bergenheim(notes) — Return him to his roots on Long Island. Anything hockey-based from that island isn't a threat past April.
Marc-Andre Bergeron — Ask him to play defense in an NHL game. He is generally useless in that scenario.
Pavel Kubina(notes) — He can be lured to the mystical "Center of the Hockey Universe" with millions of dollars. Once entombed there, Kubina, as with any other hockey player really, can be rendered ineffective.
Steven Stamkos(notes) — Considering he was trained in the arts of Gary Roberts(notes) by … well … Gary Roberts, Stamkos is not to be messed with. However, the most proven method of nullifying his powers is to have Barry Melrose coach him.
Dana Tyrell(notes) — If you fear a man named Dana, we really don't have a solution for you.
Ultimately, the Lightning can't be truly killed collectively. But if you attack its individual weaknesses, you might survive.