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(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. Gone but not forgotten, we've asked for these losers to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here is Jonathan Willis of the Edmonton Oilers blogs The Copper and Blue and Oilers Nation fondly recalling the Calgary Flames.)

By Jonathan Willis

Friends, fellow hockey fans: It was a day in October of 2008 when we first met this year's Calgary Flames. Their life began as it ended: with a defeat, except that instead of being defeated in six games they were defeated by six goals. It was that loss to the Canucks that started the season, and it is the Canucks that the Chicago Blackhawks will go on to play in the second round.

Since that day in October, 200 more days have passed; 200 days fraught with obstruction and obstacles. Through these days, injury reaped many players, albeit players of little note or value.

So long Mark Giordano; over these past two years you've been banished to Moscow or the injured reserve, but when healthy you couldn't play in the top four anyway. Farewell, Wayne Primeau; it's a shame you couldn't bring back your glory days -- that year you scored a career-high nine goals for the San Jose Sharks. But that was a long time ago, and after nearly 100 games as a Calgary Flame you have but three goals to your name. Lastly, Rhett Warrener, thank you for getting "injured," because with the team so tight against the salary cap, paying $2.35 million dollars to a defenseman with four points in his last season was impossible. It was a most convenient injury, but then, you always were a fine soldier.

Still, today we aren't gathered here to commemorate solely those men who fell (or were pushed) on to the injured reserve. Today we're gathered here, you and I, to try and express our true sentiments about the fine men who made up the 2008-09 Calgary Flames ... since for some of them this will mark the final time that they don the flaming C of Calgary.

Jarome Iginla, without doubt, will return. It's been eight years since he scored fewer goals than he scored this year, and a half-decade since he's seen the second round of the playoffs. Perhaps it's fitting that his fans praise him with a video that's a knock off of a Ryan Malone video. It's alright, Jarome -- not everyone can be Ryan Malone.

Mike Cammalleri set career highs in all categories but it didn't matter because his 39 goals and 82 points are off for free agency. But that's okay, because even though the Flames have no money to bring him back with, those six playoff games were worth the 17th overall pick -- right? 

Besides, Olli Jokinen is here, and he has six career playoff games under his belt now. There's no reason to worry that he was minus-7 in just 19 games with Calgary, or that he scored 24 fewer points this season than his average from the past three; it's not like he had difficulty adjusting to the Western Conference after putting up inflated totals in the Southeast, right? Matthew Lombardi, Brandon Prust and a first-round pick? Hah! Don Maloney never knew what hit him.

In any case, the Calgary Flames aren't built on offense. Miikka Kiprusoff and Dion Phaneuf may have come up laughably short this year, but both will return stronger next season. It really doesn't matter that Miikka Kiprusoff just edged out Martin Gerber in save percentage, or that his save percentage has decreased for the fifth year in a row or that his save percentage adjusted for team quality is the third-worst among Western Conference starters or that he got even worse during the playoffs, does it?

Similarly, it doesn't matter that Dion Phaneuf scored six fewer goals and 13 fewer points than last year, or that no defenseman on the team had a worse plus-minus or that no player in the entire NHL had more goals scored against him, does it?  Of course not; these men are professionals, already diligently working on their offseason training:

That's twelve million, three hundred and thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three dollars for each of the next five years well spent. I can't think of a better place to deposit more than 20 percent of my favourite team's salary cap space, although I have to admit that I also appreciate Sutter's keen eye for bargains like $1.5-million minor-leaguer Anders Eriksson.

These Flames fight through adversity, and they have a tremendous leadership core; they'll arise stronger than ever. We've already considered two of their leaders in Phaneuf and Iginla, but they have more men who are honoured with a letter. Robyn Regehr, a man so brave he runs players 30 pounds lighter and three inches shorter who aren't carrying the puck head-first into the boards from behind is just one of the two other men who form the conscience and heart of this team; the other is Todd Bertuzzi, whose illustrious reputation I need not elaborate on:

Still, a team with so much character throughout the lineup doesn't even need leaders as formidable as those four; there's a strong supporting cast with a rich history of accomplishment:

- At 38 years of age, Craig Conroy's character and abilities are beyond dispute. His one goal in 18 post-lockout playoff contests shows that he can ramp up his game as the pressure increases.

- Andre Roy isn't just a bruiser, he's a team leader. It isn't just any player who has to be physically removed from the bench by his coach (and ends up getting healthy-scratched for the remainder of the season) or is singled out by a rival GM as the most one-dimensional fighter in the game or who can get suspended without even playing the game. No, that takes a special person.

- With 10 points in each of his first two seasons, Eric Nystrom's showing exactly the kind of scoring promise that moved the Calgary Flames to take him with the tenth overall pick in 2002. At this rate it will only take him eight more years (barring lockouts) to hit the elusive 100 point mark on his career.

- James Vandermeer makes only a modest $2.3 million a season, but he provides a complete package on the back end and adds an offensive touch. His one goal in 66 games as a Flame was a memorable one - only a natural scorer could bobble the puck in precisely such a way that Jack Johnson would be forced to knock it past his own goaltender, the redoubtable Erik Ersberg. Fortunately for Flames fans, he isn't one of five regulars going on to free agency -- he's locked up at that bargain-basement rate for two more seasons!

- Jordan Leopold brought precisely the kind of puck-moving presence he was expected to when Calgary reacquired him; in fact, he was instrumental in setting up one of the quickest overtime goals in NHL history just this year.

- Last, but not least, backup goaltender Curtis McElhinney is a budding star. He turns 26 this summer and with one win in 20 NHL appearances, it's easy to think that the future can only get brighter!

Thus, it isn't with sadness, but with hope that we, the friends of the Calgary Flames, look into the future. We remain confident in Daryl Sutter's sunny disposition and indisputable financial acumen, and we know that many great deeds still lie before us as the Flames once again confirm the answer to that ancient and vital question: what is the difference between the Flames and a training bra?   

A training bra, of course, has two cups.

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99 Comments

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  1. The_Word
    1. Posted by The_Word Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:06 pm EDT

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    Zing!
  2. books
    2. Posted by books Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:09 pm EDT

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    The only thing a Flames fan can say to this is well ouch...and at least we did better than the Oilers again this year. I can't help but to wonder though, what if this roster was as good as we'll get?
    Obvious observation fo the day -these Eulogies are much funnier when they don't refer to your team...
  3. The_Word
    3. Posted by The_Word Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:10 pm EDT

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    Hawks in 5 over fnucks
  4. Blackcapricorn
    4. Posted by Blackcapricorn Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:10 pm EDT

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    2 Cups, 1 Flame?
  5. b b
    5. Posted by b b Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:15 pm EDT

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    Calgary flames wish list
    1. New GM
    2. New Head Coach
    3. New Coaching Staff
    4. New Star Player
    5. New Offensive Core
    6. New Defense Core
    7. New Goaltending
    8. and why not throw in a New Mascot as a bonus
    ....then they will be a Stanley Cup Contender
  6. Wings fan
    6. Posted by Wings fan Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:18 pm EDT

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    Isn't this like the blind making fun of somebody who is blind in one eye?
  7. Brian Richard
    7. Posted by Brian Richard Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:22 pm EDT

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    I Beleive Calgary should have traded Iginla 2 years ago to the Ducks for Parry and Getz it would have been a great trade for both.
    Iggy is done, off the Olympics I hope, way better canadian players at that position these days!!!!
    How fast he fell, over paid to comfy at home
  8. Johnny Appleseed
    8. Posted by Johnny Appleseed Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:22 pm EDT

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    Having a fan of a team not in the playoffs make fun of a team that at least played six games is dumb.
    So, if the Wings are eliminated, is an Avs fan going to write it?
  9. Brian Richard
    9. Posted by Brian Richard Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:22 pm EDT

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    i beleive calgary should have traded iginla 2 years ago to the ducks for parry and getz it would have been a great trade for both.
    iggy is done, off the olympics i hope, way better canadian players at that position these days!!!!
    how fast he fell, over paid to comfy at home
  10. Its Cold In Here
    10. Posted by Its Cold In Here Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:26 pm EDT

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    Well that was depressing to read. Good thing I'm a Leafs fan...
  11. beer_man_beer_here
    11. Posted by beer_man_beer_here Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:27 pm EDT

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    Edmonton Fans
    LOL
  12. R C
    12. Posted by R C Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:30 pm EDT

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    When did they get internet in Edmonton?
    In all seriousness, this is the funniest thing to come out of Edmonton since the shameful cousin who shows up to every wedding in his jean jacket and good sweat pants.
  13. R C
    13. Posted by R C Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:31 pm EDT

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    Brian Richard, tell us what you think. Again.
  14. R C
    14. Posted by R C Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:38 pm EDT

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    There are way better Canadian wingers than Iginla? Name 'em.
  15. captain chaos
    15. Posted by captain chaos Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:39 pm EDT

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    Good bye Flames.I hope the Nucks are next!
  16. Hemsky
    16. Posted by Hemsky Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:39 pm EDT

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    That Regehr hits good.
  17. Fox
    17. Posted by Fox Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:42 pm EDT

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    I kinda like the Flames (and by that, I mean I dislike them less than most other teams in the West who have faced the team for which I root in the playoffs), but that said, despite some choppiness, I think that only the Habs eulogy was funnier than this one. I am not sure if this is a sign of greater national talent for hockey-based humor or just a reflection of the amount of time the rival authors have been able to devote to snark since the elimination of their own teams' post-season hopes.
  18. momma diesel
    18. Posted by momma diesel Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:48 pm EDT

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    on behalf of edmonton-
    calgary suuuuucks!!!!
    good read jon, good read.
  19. tmr
    19. Posted by tmr Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:59 pm EDT

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    Flameout...
  20. Symo
    20. Posted by Symo Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:00 pm EDT

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    Scathing! Brilliant!!!!
  21. eyebleaf
    21. Posted by eyebleaf Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:02 pm EDT

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    Wow. Well done. The Flames just got OWNED.
  22. Pension Plan Puppets
    22. Posted by Pension Plan Puppets Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:06 pm EDT

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    That was great. These are some of the best features on Puck Daddy along with Jersey Fouls.
    Here's another ancient question:
    How do you spell "dynasty" in Calgary?
    O-N-E.
  23. Sean Patrick
    23. Posted by Sean Patrick Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:09 pm EDT

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    Insult to injury - they're AHL affiliate will now have a better arena than they do:
    http://www.calgaryherald.com/Sports/approves+Flames+affiliate+Abbotsford/1542353/story.html
  24. Doug P
    24. Posted by Doug P Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:10 pm EDT

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    Go Oilers.
  25. R C
    25. Posted by R C Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:15 pm EDT

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    The Nystrom comment is rather interesting coming from a fan of a team that drafted the stud that is Jesse Niinimaki just 5 picks later in the 2002 draft. Niinimaki has admittedly outscored Nystrom over the last two years, putting up a staggering 7 goals and 7 assists for such powerhouse clubs as Lulea HF and Ljubljana Olimpija HK.
    Sorry, what with the Oilers not making the playoffs and all your eulogy will have to take place bit by bit through the comments.

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