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Fri May 15, 2009 11:30 am EDT

Eulogy: Remembering the 2008-09 Anaheim Ducks

By Greg Wyshynski

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. Gone but not forgotten, we've asked for these losers to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here is James O'Brien of Cycle Like the Sedins, fondly recalling the Anaheim Ducks.)

By James O'Brien

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the 2008-09 Anaheim Ducks. Oh, Duckies, we barely knew thee.

No, seriously, it was never clear what kind of team you truly were.

You were forced to send Bobby Ryan(notes) to the minors so you could pay Todd Bertuzzi(notes) to play somewhere else. J.S. Giguere was able to win a Conn Smythe trophy and a Stanley Cup, but he couldn't keep this guy from taking his job.

Despite having some of the best young forwards west of the Crosby-Ovechkin line, you barely made the playoffs. Trying to go through the two best teams in the NHL before you even make the conference finals? That's just daffy.

But we should not linger on the negative. Instead, let's look to the future by predicting the summer plans of our favorite Ducks. Emilio would have wanted it this way.

Scott Niedermayer(notes) will press the "ignore" button when "Brett Favre" comes up on his cell phone as he tries out various Hawaiian T-shirts. The question, though: will it be a two-week trip or will Scott go into full-fledged "Entourage" mode and never return?

As he does every summer, Chris Pronger(notes) will stare wordlessly at his wall until training camp begins.

Giguere will not receive a call from the Gatorade institute regarding the amount a person sweats while sitting on a bench for three hours.

Jonas Hiller(notes) will be rusty on the golf course, but Joe Thornton(notes) won't hear any of that noise. Oddly enough, Jumbo Joe has really blossomed into a clutch putter.

Todd Marchant's(notes) stone hands will act as stunt hands for "The Thing" in a straight-to-video "Fantastic Four" movie.

Someone will say "well, at least being drafted after Sidney Crosby(notes) won't be in the first paragraph of Bobby Ryan's obituary." A teenager will respond, "What is an obituary?"

Ryan Getzlaf(notes) will attend a seminar entitled "Learning to cope with loss" featuring guest speakers Wade Boggs and Mats Sundin(notes).

Ryan Whitney(notes) still won't learn how to throw a decent check for a dude his size.

And, finally, Corey Perry(notes) will continue to be an epic, undeniable douche.

Related: Stanley Cup Playoffs, Hockey Fans

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257 Comments

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  1. b b
    1. Posted by b b Fri May 15, 2009 11:37 am EDT

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    Im gonna puke if we have to see the penguins and the wing again in the cup......so I guess I ought to go get a bucket
  2. Jerk Store
    2. Posted by Jerk Store Fri May 15, 2009 11:39 am EDT

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    i
  3. Jerk Store
    3. Posted by Jerk Store Fri May 15, 2009 11:41 am EDT

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    ryan getzlaf? moar like ryan GETZLAF-FED AT --- AMIRITE?!@!?@!?!@!@!!111
  4. PavRules
    4. Posted by PavRules Fri May 15, 2009 11:45 am EDT

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    This series not a “well fought series”, it was pure ugliness. It drives me absolutely crazy how so many higher ups in the NHL have ignored just how poor the officiating was in this series, even the Detroit management. I respect Babcock & Company's will to just call it a "well fought series" and just move on, but c'mon. How can so many punches to the head, checks lead by a rising elbow, and blatant cross checks be completely missed. How many times can Rob Neidermayer get away with reaching across simply punching the opposing winger on almost every faceoff for no reason? How many cross checks can Pronger get away with? He was even able to draw a penalty by cross checking Hudler in the back. How can the other Neidermayer or Brown get away with skating run around and trying to elbow everyone in the head? (On a sidenote, I loved seeing Neidermayer get dominated in the footrace that eventually lead to Helm’s goal…way to “skate like a forward”). It’s sad that Detroit was eventually forced to step up their own share of dirty play otherwise they would have gotten buried. I give the Wings credit, men with any less composure (like myself) would’ve taken my stick and seen how many whacks it would’ve taken before Pronger or Neidermayer’s head popped off. This series was an embarrassment to the entire NHL and only the fans seem to have a problem with it. I love hockey and I play recreationally year around, but if Anaheim had won another series I guarantee I would've given up on the NHL completely and never bought another item or go to another game. It's good to see the good guys win, but this series was inexcusable and embarrassing for hockey. This is terrible especially when you consider that crap eventually funnels down to our levels of play where most play purely for fun. You suck, NHL.
  5. Jerk Store
    5. Posted by Jerk Store Fri May 15, 2009 11:45 am EDT

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    jonas hiller? moar like jonas hole-er AMIRITE!@!?@!!!
    / u know cause hes full of holes
  6. goaltender41
    6. Posted by goaltender41 Fri May 15, 2009 11:49 am EDT

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    MY PICK HAD BEEN...
    Hillers over Osgoods in 6 (gotta have one upset)
    TODAY'S REACTION IS...
    A better 7-game series than initially expected. Calling this as an “upset,” was not inaccurate. Perry, Getzlaf, and Hiller were all outstanding. “Old Guard” Ducks were not-as-good, though they did show resiliency to the younger players.
    ----------------------------------
    Hawkssssssssssssssssss!
  7. james
    7. Posted by james Fri May 15, 2009 11:52 am EDT

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    pavrules you complain about the officiating but how is it possible that the wings did get called for diving in the series look at franzen on getzlafs slashing penalty in game 7, it's disgraceful. We should all hope that the red wings don't win the cup the this year because they might start a diving trend like what happened in the nba, 15 years ago there was very little flopping now everyone in the league flops all over the place to draw charges.
  8. William
    8. Posted by William Fri May 15, 2009 11:54 am EDT

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    Hiller crying during the handshakes made my year. It was worth all the cheap shots and one way officiating favoring the Ducks, just to see him cry.
  9. CLtS
    9. Posted by CLtS Fri May 15, 2009 11:55 am EDT

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    you confuse and frighten me, jerk store.
  10. wingme13
    10. Posted by wingme13 Fri May 15, 2009 11:56 am EDT

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    Except for the part about Pronger this wasn't a great eulogy.
  11. wingme13
    11. Posted by wingme13 Fri May 15, 2009 11:59 am EDT

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    Whatever habs24 - like the Ducks didn't do any selling? I guess you'd rather see BS calls like the one on Hudler. Because THAT makes hockey great and doesn't ruin the sport at all does it now?
  12. PavRules
    12. Posted by PavRules Fri May 15, 2009 12:01 pm EDT

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    habs, your first sentence makes zero sense. There weren't any diving calls in the series. I admit most of the calls were chincy hooking calls made on both teams that were definitely not made with any cohesive consistency whatsoever. It's the cheap stuff out of the game that Anaheim excels at. I assume you're talking about the slash where Getzlaf got Franken right in the back of the calf (if you played hockey you'd know there is no padding there). That was an obvious penalty, as was the crap that followed it. I saw several Duck players reach for Franzen's head directly after that incident. All of those are penalties too and all blatantly missed. However, if you want to talk diving, re-examine Wisneiwski's acting job on an alleged high stick that barely grazed his neck and only because he lifted the arm of the Detroit player (Hossa, I believe) who got called. This after he got literally hog-tied to the ice by Pronger. It's a joke. Obviously, you don't understand the rules...you are not allowed to slash, punch, elbow to the head, etc. However, you have the makings of a great NHL ref.
  13. Brian S (brianguy)
    13. Posted by Brian S (brianguy) Fri May 15, 2009 12:02 pm EDT

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    Now I can once again sleep at night. but what's up with Hiller and the "air quotes"?
  14. Brian S (brianguy)
    14. Posted by Brian S (brianguy) Fri May 15, 2009 12:04 pm EDT

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    maybe he was saying "I love most of my teammates, but Corey Perry is an undeniable ''douche'' "
  15. knucklehead
    15. Posted by knucklehead Fri May 15, 2009 12:06 pm EDT

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    "And, finally, Corey Perry will continue to be an epic, undeniable douche"
    sob....sniff....I couldn't have said it better myself...
  16. Gr8 8
    16. Posted by Gr8 8 Fri May 15, 2009 12:07 pm EDT

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    it started out promising... but faded like my Caps in game 7....
  17. ~jai~
    17. Posted by ~jai~ Fri May 15, 2009 12:08 pm EDT

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    Favorite quote of the night, Mickey R on Helm in a slow-motion replay "Look how fast he is, even in slow-motion". Classic!
    Favorite view of the night? Hiller lying on the ice, the trainer covering the in-goal camera with the towel and then the replay showing he never actually hit anything.
    Duck season is over... bring on the Hawks! Snipe Snipe!
  18. Patrick
    18. Posted by Patrick Fri May 15, 2009 12:09 pm EDT

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    James O'Brien nailed it with the Corey Perry line.
  19. HotStacey
    19. Posted by HotStacey Fri May 15, 2009 12:10 pm EDT

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    what a well fought/piece of garbage series. the officiating seriously might as well be random. i don't know what to think of the league anymore but wings won so that's all that matters.
  20. knucklehead
    20. Posted by knucklehead Fri May 15, 2009 12:13 pm EDT

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    @habs24
    What a jealous Habs fan, loser, douchbag, crying, baby, hasbeen.
    Montreal, now known for their Steak Seasonong......Detroit, well....we call it HOCKEYTOWN.
  21. CLtS
    21. Posted by CLtS Fri May 15, 2009 12:13 pm EDT

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    One player I couldn't think of anything for was Teemu Selanne. Any obvious Selanne jokes out there, people?
  22. riverdragon37
    22. Posted by riverdragon37 Fri May 15, 2009 12:15 pm EDT

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    @ Habs24... Gretzky was patenting the "Three-stride dive" 20 years ago... It rarely failed him and absolutely infuriated Defensemen league-wide.
    And speaking of the Habs...
    Guy Lafleur was so good at diving that he has the same initials as Greg Louganis...
    Keep ranting.
  23. Michael
    23. Posted by Michael Fri May 15, 2009 12:15 pm EDT

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    Patrick Nailed it, best line of the article
    "And, finally, Corey Perry(notes) will continue to be an epic, undeniable douche."
    I love these obits when they aren't for my team - pie in the face!
  24. Shaun
    24. Posted by Shaun Fri May 15, 2009 12:16 pm EDT

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    Good riddance, I hate that team. (sore Sharks fan)
  25. CLtS
    25. Posted by CLtS Fri May 15, 2009 12:16 pm EDT

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    I always thought of the Hiller peace signs as his rendition of the Great Cornholio. If only he had a looser collar he could put around the top of his head ...

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