September 09, 2008
There are two things we rather enjoy here at Puck Daddy: Munching on popcorn at the local movie house and vicariously living through Sean Avery's exploits and adventures.
So imagine our unbridled joy this morning when The Hollywood Reporter announced that New Line Cinema is developing and producing a big-screen romantic comedy based on the Dallas Stars agitator's time as an intern for Vogue magazine. They've hired Stan Chervin to write the screenplay; allegedly, he's also written a treatment for a "Moneyball" movie. Hopefully that movie comes out around the same time as "The History of Paint Drying," so we have a comparison for tedium.
Obviously, outside of "Batman" movies, films sink or swim on the strength of their protagonist. So who will play Sean Avery? New Line is working with the producers of this summer's "Journey to the Center of the Earth," so commence with the Brendan Fraser speculation (and, god willing, the speculation that Avery's film will also be in 3-D ... sweet). But we have a few suggestions of our own for the star of "The Devil Wears CCM," or whatever the hell they decide to call it ...
Who: Channing Tatum
Huh? Tatum is a former model who once appeared in Vogue magazine (synergy!) and has co-starred in such films as "Stop-Loss" and "Step Up," a movie about dancing that made many a TRL viewer swoon.
Why? He can pull off the athlete thing and the fashion thing. Plus he's going to be bigger than The Beatles next year: Playing Duke in a "G.I. Joe" movie and Pretty Boy Floyd in Michael Mann's gangster flick. But he might not have the prerequisite douchey-ness necessary for the Avery role.
Who: Dane Cook
Huh? Super-popular stand-up comic, struggling romantic actor, stupendously annoying MLB commercial pitchman.
Why? Has the prerequisite douchey-ness necessary for the Avery role. It's possible he's cornered the market on it. The only issue would be accepting Cook as a professional hockey player, as the audience would have to believe he wouldn't have been killed by his own teammates at some point in juniors.
Who: Taylor Kitsch
Huh? Canadian-born actor best known for his work on "Friday Night Lights" as football player Tim Riggins. Also a former model. Set to play Gambit in next year's "Wolverine" movie, which means he'll have Avery-like experience in pissing off die-hard fans.
Why? Looks nothing like Avery. But the dude should get something for being one of the few celebrities the NHL can trot out for its official site blogs and All-Star Game skills competition judges' table. You know, aside from Bill Clement.
Who: Eddie Izzard
Huh? Stand-up comedian, actor in the "Ocean's" films and on FX's "The Riches."
Why? Like Avery, known for painting his nails. Unlike Avery, known to wear a feather boa and do stand-up in drag. (The Rangers typically left cross-dressing to another star player.) He could capture Avery's combination of swaggering masculinity and feminine sensibility. Too bad he's British. We want pretention, but not that much.
Who: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Why? C'mon, dude can play anything. Give him two weeks on skates with the Rangers, shave his head into a faux-hawk and keep the glasses. Ask yourself this: Do you want some rom-com piffle starring Adrian Grenier, or do you want to win a statue? Because PSH can get your ass a statue, New Line.
Who: Bradley Cooper
Huh? Best known as Zack Lodge, the rather off-putting fiancé of the delightful Rachel McAdams in "Wedding Crashers."
Why? Good-looking? Check. Agitating? Check. Can pull off the athlete thing? Check. The only real problem here is that people like to go to movies where they actually can stomach the hero rather than have an intense desire to punch him in the ear. Then again, this is a Sean Avery movie ...
Who: Will Smith
Huh? Played detective Del Spooner in "I, Robot."
Why? Alright, we all know this cat is an ATM machine at the box office. He just did the anti-hero thing in "Hancock." Would be worth it for that scene where he forgets to take a dress to a fashion shoot and says, "Aw, hell no!" And we'd get a theme song, which is great. Slight drawback: The last movie to feature an African-American hockey player ... uh, the less said, the better.
Who: Marty Brodeur
Why? It's the ultimate meta twisteroo! Like Heidi playing L.C. in a "Hills" movie! Or George Bush playing Michael Moore in "The Man from Flint!" This thing has cult classic written all over it already...