Alyssa Milano could make a potato sack with Mitch Albom's face on the front of it look sexy. But there are evidently limits to her awesomeness ... such as creating a line of NHL fashions that female puckheads want to wear.

Lori from Hockey, Football and Stiletto Shoes pens a wicked satire (with PG-13 language) in which the star of "Embrace of the Vampire" (god bless you, Cinemax at 2 a.m.) "explains" her almost-inappropriate sexy clothing creations, such as this Detroit Red Wings frock:

This is my other favorite creation. I like it because it's a mystery. The boy you're picking up at the hockey game won't know what team you're rooting for until he's started to undress you either back at your apartment, or, if you can't wait, the handicapped bathroom stall at the arena. The logo is hidden under a white piece of fabric waiting for his curious hands to find. And the team name? It's written so small across the center of your breasts that he won't be able to read it until he's gotten inappropriately close. He'll be thrilled to find out that you're not just easy, you're a sports fan! And, the empire waist will even get you through the first few weeks of that unplanned pregnancy. You see ladies, I'm thinking of everything for you.  $60 is a small price to pay for something this multifunctional. And, to all those who are gong to tell me that the brown bracelets clash with the black shorts... shut the [bleep] up.

Me...ow. What is it about the female fan that the NHL doesn't understand? They're like a guy in a muscle T-shirt at a Long Island bar: They seem to think they have what women need, but not what they actually want. Is the Alyssa Milano "touch" line destined to suffer the same hilarious backlash that assailed the $325 bedazzled license plate purse?

Speaking for male fans, I'd caution puckheads of the opposite sex to carefully consider their criticisms of Alyssa Milano's fashion line. In other words: Please don't chase her away. We almost nearly lost her once thanks to Wayne McBean. Celebrity puckhead eye candy is so very vital; we already feel like we're one bad breakup away from seeing Elisha Cuthburt date water polo players.

Here, this Leafs Ruffle Full Zip Hoody isn't so bad, is it? C'mon, please just buy it ... if not for Samantha Micelli, do it for Tony Danza's sake, will ya? 

Related: Hockey Fans, When Hockey and Hollywood Collide