Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.

(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).

In this segment, former Chiefs coach Todd Haley breaks down the offseason moves of the team that fired him at the end of last season. We have a bad feeling about this.

TODD HALEY: Wash your windshield, mister?

I don't scrub windshields for the money. I have a coaching job now as offensive coordinator for the Steelers. I carry this slop bucket because I like it. It's comforting to wash windows while the mad clown stares at me with his dead, gray eyes, whispering razor truths mortals dare not speak aloud, truths that pierce flesh and cut an inky scarlet line against the throat of the he-goat …

Sorry, my thoughts meander sometimes. The Chiefs had a productive offseason. At the skill positions, they added Peyton Hillis to a running back committee that already includes Dexter McCluster and Jamaal Charles, who is ahead of schedule rehabbing his knee injury. Kevin Boss joins Tony Moeaki, also on schedule to return from a knee injury, to give the Chiefs two tight ends who can block and catch. Two rookie wide receivers, Devon Wylie and Junior Hemingway, will provide extra depth behind Dwayne Bowe, Steve Breaston and last year's top pick Jonathan Baldwin, who started to come on late in the season. Matt Cassel, yet another player who missed much of last season with injuries, won't have to worry about throwing to the likes of Keary Colbert or Anthony Becht.

That's right, everyone gets to come back to Kansas City but me, the guy who got blamed for not being able to build an offense around Tyler Palko and Terrance Copper, while the dead-eyed clown stares back at me from the mirror and cackles. "You ever played cornhole with the devil, son?" he asks, his raspy voice a rusty hypodermic needle scraping gutter concrete. "He don't use no beanbags, boy." And that he-goat just brays and brays like he sees the end coming and don't know whether to fight it or welcome it.

Moving on to the defense, Dontari Poe was one of the most physically gifted specimens in this year's draft class. The Chiefs have a bad habit of striking out with big defensive tackles, from Ryan Sims to Glenn Dorsey, so my former assistant Romeo Crennel will have to be careful about Poe's development and role if he doesn't want Poe to become an overpriced space-eater the greasepaint smears and the sharpened steel glints in the pickup truck headlights behind the barnyard. The loss of Brandon Carr is going to hurt at cornerback, because Stanford Routt is an adequate No. 2 corner behind Brandon Flowers. But the defense will be better if it is not  on the field as often, and when the muffled brays fade to pitch-black silence, vengeful darkness sated all-too-briefly by the still-quivering sacrifice.

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In what has become a tradition, the last picked player of the 2012 draft was named Mr. Irrelevant. Chandler Harnish, a quarterback from Northern Illinois, went to the Indianapolis Colts, who were given a seventh-round compensatory pick for losing Charlie Johnson and Clint Session.

Though the "honor" has meant in the past that a player wouldn't make a roster, recent Mr. Irrelevants have made an impact on the league. David Vobora, who was drafted last overall by the St. Louis Rams in 2008, has 99 tackles in four seasons for the Rams and Seattle Seahawks. Drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs in 2009, Ryan Succop has been the team's kicker for three seasons with an 81.2 field goal percentage.

[Yahoo! Sports Shop: Buy NFL player T-shirts and team gear]

Mr. Irrelevant also becomes a guest of honor during Irrelevant Week in Orange County. Harnish will be invited to be the grand marshal of a parade, go sailing with the Balboa Yacht Club and visit Disneyland.

Take heart, Chandler. Even though you're playing behind Andrew Luck, you still have a chance to shed that moniker and you get a trip to Disneyland.

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New York Giants general manager Jerry Reese is fond of saying that beyond the third round is when personnel guys start really earning their paychecks, and quite a few people in front offices around the league got a good start on that in a fifth round that featured some surprising talent. Of course, various dings pushed these prospects to the third day of the draft, but there are a lot of rotational players in this round, and a few potential foundation starters. Here are the best values as we see them.

[Related: Why some top prospects fell down the NFL draft board]

Atlanta Falcons -- Jonathan Massaquoi, DE/OLB, Troy (164th pick overall) -- Well, I'm going to like this pick, since I had Massaquoi ranked 50th in this year's Shutdown 50. This either makes me an idiot, or the Falcons geniuses, or both. Since most of my readers would vote in the affirmative on the former, why did Massaquoi fall this far? His production dipped in 2011 after he put on weight, and he's not a very aware defender in space, but he has outstanding speed off the edge, and the Falcons have been trying to get that edge-rusher position right for a number of years in the draft. Expect new defensive coordinator Mike Nolan to run different fronts, which could have Massaquoi playing a lot as a pass-rushing outside linebacker -- the position I believe best highlights his abilities.

Kansas City Chiefs -- DeQuan Menzie, DB, Alabama (146th pick overall) -- A favorite sleeper pick  of our buddy Greg Cosell, Menzie is a cornerback/safety potential tweener at the next level, and an interesting nickel player with Brandon Flowers and Stanford Routt holding things down on the edges. At 5-11, 202 pounds, and having run in the 4.7s, Manzie had to wait for the right team to see the right things on tape, as opposed to going with pure measurables.

[Related: NFL draft's Mr. Irrelevant is N. Illinois QB Chandler Harnish]

Buffalo Bills -- Tank Carder, ILB, TCU (147th pick overall) -- Not only was Carder a pointman in one of the NCAA's defenses over the last few seasons, he's also got an amazing story -- he was hit by a car when he was a teenager, almost died, and was told that he might never walk again. A decade later, one of many smaller speed linebackers taken in this draft is known as an in-the-box thumper who's very aware on the field. Doesn't have the prototype side for a 3-4 linebacker, which leads us to wonder if he might play a nickel linebacker role for the Chiefs.

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43: New York Jets: Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech -- After getting torched by Randy Moss a few years back, the Jets get the closest thing I've seen to Moss from a pure upfield burner perspective. Hill didn't have great stats in Tech's prehistoric offense, and he doesn't run a lot of routes, but he's got the kind of raw quickness that can't be coached. Hard worker and a great kid -- he is all upside. AFC East cornerbacks just got a little nervous.

44: Kansas City Chiefs: Jeff Allen, OL, Illinois -- With Eric Winston manning the right tackle slot, expect the athletic Allen to either start right away at right guard, or move around. Ideal move guard for the Chiefs' power/speed combo offense.

45: Chicago Bears (from St. Louis Rams) -- Alshon Jeffrey, WR, South Carolina -- A tough receiver, but this is a curious move with LSU's Rueben Randle on the board. Jeffrey struggles with weight issues and can't separate well. Comparing him to Marques Colston is a but nuts -- Colston had a much better grasp of the fundamentals out of college.

46: Philadelphia Eagles -- Mychal Kendricks, LB, Cal -- A perfect fit to play outside in the Eagles' defense -- through the Andy Reid era, there's always been premium on athletic move 'backers who can cover the flats and still bring it in run fits.

47: Seattle Seahawks (from New York Jets) -- Bobby Wagner, LB, Utah State -- Wagner is an ideal Pete Carroll linebacker -- he can rush the edge and play in space; he's a two-tier player with the ability to play in nickel fronts as well. Between Wagner and Bruce Irvin, Seattle front seven just got a lot faster.

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Given that 2012 marked the first season with the combination of a rookie wage scale and the absence of a lockout, speculation was high that teams would be trading around the first round with a frequency rarely seen.

Little did we know.

There were three trades among NFL teams with the first 10 picks alone, starting with the Cleveland Browns, who moved up from the fourth overall pick to the third in order to grab Alabama running back Trent Richardson. That move took the Minnesota Vikings from the third pick to Cleveland's fourth, and added fourth, fifth, and seventh-round picks to an already stacked Vikings pick list -- they now have 13 picks overall in this year's draft, and they got their much-needed elite pass protector in USC's Matt Kalil. The Vikings later made a deal with the Baltimore Ravens to move down again in the first round. The Jacksonville Jaguars then moved up to the fifth pick by trading their seventh overall selection and an extra fourth-round pick for the privilege of taking Oklahoma State receiver Justin Blackmon. The Bucs may have been in the hunt for Richardson,  but the move down still netted them Alabama safety Mark Barron, one of the safest and most versatile players in this draft class.

The big traders in that top 10 were the Dallas Cowboys, who took their 14th overall pick and their second-rounder and gave it to the St. Louis Rams to move up to St. Louis' sixth-overall selection. From there, they took LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne and left the Rams with even more chips in the later rounds. You'll be hearing from them a lot on Friday and Saturday.

Later in the first round, the New England Patriots proved once again that they see no fixed positions in any draft by trading up twice for two much-needed additions to their front seven -- linebacker Dont'a Hightower and Syracuse pass rusher Chandler Jones. Not bad for a couple of fourth-round picks. The Bucs and Denver Broncos, who were also part of one of the Patriots' trades finished things off by switching picks in the 30s so that Tampa Bay could grab Boise State running back Doug Martin.

But the most surprising trade, at least when it came to the final result, happened when the Seattle Seahawks took their 12th overall pick and dropped with Philadelphia's 15th. The Eagles selected Mississippi State defensive tackle Fletcher Cox, which seems a great value pick, as many mocks had Cox going as early at No. 6 overall to the Rams. The Seahawks confounded most observers by taking West Virginia's Bruce Irvin while some impressive and much-needed talent -- including Stanford guard David DeCastro, South Carolina end Melvin Ingram and Alabama linebacker Courtney Upshaw -- were still on the board. Irvin is a speed pass rusher who reminds some of an embryonic Von Miller, but few expected him to go in the first round at all.

Seattle knew better, or at least they thought they did. Sources said that the San Francisco 49ers had basically guaranteed Irvin a pick at 30th overall if he fell that far, and the Seahawks already felt they had their man. Brushing the naysayers aside, head coach Pete Carroll and general manager John Schneider seemed thrilled to come out of the first round with Irvin and two more picks.

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Despite speculation that the Kansas City Chiefs would pick a receiver to put pressure on franchised player Dwayne Bowe, they went with a defensive player. With the 11th overall pick, they took Dontari Poe, a defensive lineman from Memphis. Here's what our scouting reports had to say about Poe:

On the surface, Poe would seem to be the ultimate personification of Bill Parcells' "Planet Theory" -- that there are just a few men on the planet big enough to play at a dominant level in the NFL, and that's why size matters. However, there are also several men on the planet adept enough at blocking in the NFL to negate the rudimentary efforts of the Big Meanies. That's where technique comes in, because no matter how big Poe is, he's going to have to up his game from a technical perspective before his mountainous build means a lot in an every-down sense.

The Bryant comparison is more about where I think Poe might best fit in the NFL than a reflection of his specific abilities. There just aren't too many guys this size, and I am NOT going to compare Poe to Haloti Ngata, because that makes no sense at all. Ngata plays on an entirely different planet. Bryant also had legitimate "old-man strength" at Texas A&M; he was drafted by Seattle as a defensive tackle in a different Seahawks regime, and he just had to find the right role as a dominant run-stopping end in Pete Carroll's defensive concepts.

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1. Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford -- The biggest non-surprise since, well, ever. Luck gets credit for his football smarts and pro-readiness, but his mobility is underrated and could have him develop into a Steve Young-level player.

[Video: Why Andrew Luck may be in line to win two Super Bowls for the Colts]

2. Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor -- When it comes to the two top players in this year's draft, there's now ... and there's three years from now. RGIII is the toughest pro comparison I've had in a long time because I believe he could become the type of quarterback we've never seen before. Start with: If the young Randall Cunningham had Aaron Rodgers' deep accuracy...

[Video: Is Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III the better fantasy prospect?]

3. Minnesota Vikings: Matt Kalil, OT, USC -- There are more and more dings on Kalil's tape as we get closer to the draft, and I understand a lot of them, but the Vikings have got to solidify their blindside protection, especially now that Steve Hutchinson has left the building. Kalil is a good workout program away from being elite in all phases.

4.  Cleveland Browns: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama -- Ryan Tannehill may be tempting here, but remember that when Browns team president Mike Holmgren took the Seahawks to the Super Bowl in 2005, it was in an offense with a dominant left tackle, a mistake-proof quarterback and a running back from Alabama (Shaun Alexander) who wrapped up NFL MVP honors. Richardson may be the missing piece for the Browns to hit the next (if not Super Bowl) level.

[Video: Trent Richardson is ready for NFL Sundays]

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU -- Greg Schiano's playbooks don't generally go beyond the year 1945, which would seem to make Richardson the natural fit, and I think they'd take him at five if he's there. But in a division where you're facing Matt Ryan, Drew Brees and Cam Newton twice a season, the man who many see as the best cornerback in this draft makes a lot of sense, too.

6. St. Louis Rams: Fletcher Cox, DL, Mississippi State -- Yes, the Rams desperately need receivers, but this class is deep enough to reach down and grab pass-catchers later. Jeff Fisher wants a defensive lineman he can move in with Chris Long and Robert Quinn to wreak havoc on quarterbacks. Cox's primary attribute is his versatility; he can play all over the formation at a high level.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina -- There are those who believe Gilmore  is better than Claiborne. I'm one of them, and according to some rumors, Jags GM Gene Smith may be in that group. Blaine Gabbert needs more talent around him, but it would be hard to pass on a cover corner of Gilmore's ability if the Jags can't trade down.

8. Miami Dolphins: Melvin Ingram, OLB/DE, South Carolina -- Yes, the 'Fins need a quarterback, but they also need elite edge rushers who can move around the front. With the release of Phillip Merling, that need is even more pronounced. Ingram is the most versatile player in this entire draft class and he'll give the Dolphins' defense a switch kick in the playbook.

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(Note: All picks in this mock draft based on team needs, as opposed to who teams might actually pick.)

1) Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford

The First Law of Draft Mechanics states that a draft board at rest remains at rest, while a draft board in motion remains in motion. Despite all the rumors, Jim Irsay decided on Luck about nine months ago, and anyone hoping to talk him out of it must overcome a lot of inertia. Chuck Pagano, Bruce Arians, and the other coaches who signed on with the Colts probably had Luck penciled in when they took the jobs, too, so don't assume that they are clamoring for a different quarterback who might be a step quicker and put an extra mile per hour on his passes.

2) Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor

It's hard to say anything interesting about these first two guys: It has all been said and said again. So hey, have you seen the Obama-style "hope" posters that Redskins fans have made of RG3? They look cool, and you can make your own! All you need is an image of RG3, some Photoshop skills, and complete amnesia about the fact that you did the same thing for Donovan McNabb two years ago.

[ Les Carpenter: RG3 learned early he was destined to 'change the world of sports' ]

3) Minnesota Vikings: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU

The Vikings had the worst pass defense in the NFL, according to Football Outsiders' DVOA rating. They ranked 28^th at stopping top receivers, 30^th at stopping No. 2 receivers, and dead last at stopping slot receivers. All this while Jared Allen was setting a sack record, so don't blame "lack of pressure." The Vikings may choose Matt Kalil over Claiborne, but they need Claiborne more.

4) Cleveland Browns: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama

Ah, how quickly we toss Colt McCoy into the compost heap after a season in which the Browns' top offensive weapon turned into a sulky underachiever and McCoy's top receiving target was a rookie who let perfect passes bounce off his chest. McCoy may never fit anyone's definition of "elite quarterback" (and everyone has their own definition), but he still has some upside, and the Browns can't grab Ryan Tannehill, throw him onto the field with no supporting cast, and expect everything to be hunky-dory. Give Richardson 20-25 carries per game, and the Browns can become a running-and-defense team: perfect for their division.

5)  Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State

Watching the Bucs' defensive line late in the year was like watching a road crew fix a pothole on a hot Friday afternoon: They didn't want to be there, and they were more interested in milking the clock than getting the job done. Cox brings versatility to a line that has more talent than its 2,497 rushing yards allowed indicates, but he also brings hustle. The Bucs did a fine job addressing some offensive needs through free agency, so they can work on their defense with this pick.

6) St. Louis Rams: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State

Which of the following were Rams wide receivers in 2011, and which were 19^th century Congressmen from the state of Kentucky? The choices: a) Silas Adams, b) Austin Pettis, c) Greg Salas, d) Albert Berry, e) William Clayton Anderson, f) Mike Sims-Walker. If you knew that b, c, and f were the Rams, you are a huge Rams fan, had an awful fantasy team, or really know your Kentucky history. So yes, Sam Bradford needs a receiver, lest he be thrown on the Colt McCoy scrap heap of prematurely abandoned quarterback prospects.

7) Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Kalil, OT, USC

Jaguars right tackle Guy Whimper was a complete mess last year, except when he was catching weird tackle-eligible passes. Eben Britton is penciled in at right tackle right now, but he might be better off at guard. Kalil can start his career at right tackle, or Eugene Monroe can slide from left to right so Kalil can grow naturally into his role. Whimper can be a goal-line tight end.

[ Roundtable: Who will live up to their draft hype — and who won't? ]

8) Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M

Watching Matt Moore and David Garrard while Tannehill develops will be like watching "Dora the Explorer" and "Blues Clues" before sending the kids to grandma's for the weekend: It's not great, but it's very tolerable because you know it will end soon.

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With the 2011 NFL season in the books, it's time to turn our eyes to the NFL draft, and the pre-draft evaluation process. Before and after the 2012 scouting combine, we'll be taking a closer look at the 50 draft-eligible players who may be the biggest NFL difference-makers when all is said and done.

We continue this year's series with Penn State defensive tackle Devon Still, who has two cousins familiar to you old-school NFL fans. Art Still was a four-time Pro Bowl defensive lineman for the Kansas City Chiefs who recorded 14.5 sacks in 1984. Levon Kirkland was a two-time Pro Bowl linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers who was so big that he could have been a lineman.

With impressive NFL bloodlines come big ambitions. "I think hands down I'm the best defensive tackle in this draft," Still said at the combine. "I was able to take over a lot of games this season. Just the production that I had, I was able to disrupt plays even if I wasn't making tackles or sacks."

Ah, but there's the rub. If you look at just the production, Still was tremendous. But if you look at the times Still was easily blocked or shoved to the ground, you see another talented, somewhat enigmatic interior defender in a draft class full of them.

Pros: Still has the quick first step teams look for in a three-tech tackle. He can use that initial quickness to penetrate or to move laterally. Some of Still's most impressive plays come after he executes a quick sidestep to flash across his blocker's face. He then "makes himself skinny" to knife through the line of scrimmage. Still is a sure tackler who blows up a lot of running plays in the backfield.

Still often displays sound fundamentals when releasing from the line of scrimmage. He keeps his pad level low and gets his hands inside his blocker's hands and under the pads. When his technique is sharp, Still is hard to dislodge or wash out, and he can stand up to a double team. He can be very effective in short yardage situations, where he tunnels under blockers and makes a big pile to swallow up ball carriers in the middle of the field.

Cons: Every interior lineman runs hot and cold to a degree, but Still is remarkably inconsistent. There are long stretches where he does not look like the same player. Blockers throw him to the turf. Double teams drive him backward. Sometimes, this is clearly a stamina problem: With Alabama winning by two touchdowns in the second half, it is understandable that a lineman has gotten worn out from fighting through blocks and chasing Trent Richardson. Other times, it appears to be more of a focus or a technique issue.

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If all goes as planned, Bill Parcells will replace Sean Payton, his disciple in Dallas, as the New Orleans Saints head coach once Payton begins serving his one-year suspension for his involvement in the Saints' "pay-for-performance" scandal. Parcells has already told multiple media outlets that he would seriously consider the position if asked, and as long as the Big Tuna is all in, it's a great move for a team that had best be prepared for more body blows in the form of player suspensions very soon.

"If [Payton] says to me, 'Bill, I need you to do this,'" Parcells told Newsday on March 28, "that's what friends are supposed to be for."

However, there's one complication to this happy ending -- if the Saints wish to hire Parcells, they must first comply with the Rooney Rule, put into effect by the NFL in 2003 and named after Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney, which requires that any team looking to hire a new head coach must interview at least one minority candidate before making a final decision, unless the team hired from within. The Steelers got a great head coach in Mike Tomlin out of that sense of diversity, but in cases where another coach is seen as a lead-pipe lock before such terms are met, the Rooney Rule can be a real scam.

According to former New York Jets and Kansas City Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards, that's precisely what the Saints are making of it.

"It makes it a little bit of a scam now," Edwards told ESPN, where he's now an analyst. "That's the shame of it all. Sean Payton opening his mouth like he did, he really reflects that this thing is going to become a sham if Bill Parcells takes this job. Because if you do decide to interview a minority, you're going to go with Bill Parcells. You've already said, 'This is our coach.' That's the shame of it all. It puts [NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell] in another bind."

Payton "opened his mouth" here:

Herm's right of course, but the Rooney Rule has opened itself up to similar scams since its inception. In 2003, former Lions team president Matt Millen (no, we still can't write that without laughing) was fined $200,000 by the league after five minority candidates refused to interview for a job Millen had already promised to Steve Mariucci. Millen probably could have gone with the "Hey, who the hell would want to work for me, anyway?" gambit, but that didn't enter his mind.

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