Thu May 26 07:38pm EDT
Chad Ochocinco(notes), or Senor Esteban Ochocinco when he's in a "black Mexican" mood, is at it again. After trying pro soccer and bullriding as distractions during the lockout, Ocho heard it from Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown(notes), who recently said of his primary receiver that "maybe he'll be a snake wrangler and we'll watch to see if he gets bit … let's face it, we want a football player. We aren't hiring a bull rider, a dancer, a soccer player. We want a football player. It's simple. And that should be the focus, not on other things."
Of course, based on most of his drafts through the last 20 years, it could be argued that Mike Brown wouldn't know a football player if one bit him on the tuckus. That's another matter, though. The point here is that Ocho did not take kindly to Brown's take on things, especially given the fact that in a lockout, Brown has no business whatsoever telling his players what to do unless they're breaking the law (and again, given Brown's personnel history, that's always a fair bet).
On his Twitter account Wednesday, Ocho announced that he would be very interested in snake-wrangling.
"Thanks to my owner Mike Brown for the great idea," Ochocinco wrote. "I'm going to be a #SnakeWrangler,I got the awesome idea from my owner. … Does anyone know these snakes I'm gonna catch,Taipan, Blue Krait, Eastern Brown Snake, Rattle Snake and the Death Adder."
Interesting enough, but we think that Ocho is far too entertaining to risk life and limb wrangling a group of potentially poisonous snakes. So, as a public service, we'd like to present Senor Ochocinco with seven different alternatives — weird sports that would fly quite a distance over Mike Brown's head:
Wife-Carrying — Looks like it sounds. It's a race in which men haul their betrothed over their shoulders and tackle a 250-meter path set up with hurdles and a pool. The swag for the winners is pretty impressive — when Madis Uusorg of Estonia won the 2007 Wife-Carrying Championships in Finland, he took home a plasma TV and his wife's weight in beer. Small problem that Ocho isn't actually married, but since he and Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis squabble like an old married couple, we're willing to make an exception in this case. Bring the coach, Chad!
Bog Snorkelling -- From the sport's official site: "Every August for the last 20 years, the smallest town in Britain has been host to the International Extreme Bog Snorkelling Championships. The winner is entered in the Guinness Book of Records." Basically, contestants swim through 55-meter trenches in something called the Waen Rhydd Peat bog in Llanwrtyd Wells in Powys, Mid Wales. And no, as the great humorist Dave Barry likes to say, we are not making this up. The "water" in the bog is more of a thick, muddy soup, and contestants use the snorkel to breathe while in the muck all the way. The best bog swimmers appear to be able to complete the course in under two minutes, and with Ocho's athleticism, we like his chances.
Adult Kickball — A kid-friendly activity for adults? Perfect fit for Ocho, and who doesn't like kickball? One thing, though — we're not sure what the guy in this picture was thinking, and this is not the best way to express your love of the Minnesota Vikings.
Chess Boxing — Perhaps the most interesting sport on the roll, Chess Boxing isn't that much more complicated than it sounds, but these aren't two things you'd put together, right? From the official site: "In a chess boxing fight two opponents play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by a boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. A contest consists of 11 rounds, 6 rounds of chess, 5 rounds of boxing. A round of chess takes 4 minutes. Each competitor has 12 minutes on the chess timer."
Since Chad includes boxing in his training, and he's probably smart enough to enjoy a good game of chess, he'd be a natural for this one. The next match happens on June 24 in Berlin, and Chad could go up against the German champion, a guy named "Iepe the Joker." Now, who wouldn't pay to see that?
Cheese Rolling — Contestants run down a hill as fast as they possibly can, trying to outrace huge rolling circles of cheese and avoid killing themselves in the process. A bit dodgy, but still better than snake-wrangling. If Ocho could get out to the next event, which starts May 28 in Gloucestershire, England, he could also enjoy pig racing and something called "sheath throwing," which sounds vaguely dirty. If you'd like to know more, there's a book out entitled "Cheese Rolling in Gloucestershire" by Jean Jefferies. Again, we are not making this up.
Canine Freestyle Dancing — There are times when you come across something that taxes your descriptive talents to the absolute limit. As this was the case for me when I caught this activity, I'll let the video do the talking.
Outhouse Racing — Yes, really. And it's so popular in places like Mountain View, Ark., that you're advised to book early. "The Bean Fest and Championship Outhouse Races festival is the most popular weekend in Mountain View and overnight accommodations require reservations be made well in advance. Much of the lodging in Mountain View is already reserved," they say.
Better get on it, Senor Ochocinco. We're not sure when this offseason will end.
Posted Jul 2 2012
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