February 16, 2009
Jeff Reed, Steelers kicker and guy who looks like that (→), got into some trouble with the law over the weekend. Reed rampaged a Sheetz bathroom and was cited for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, all because the place was out of paper towels. So, you know, at least he had a good reason.
Pennsylvania state police say Reed threw a temper tantrum at a Sheetz convenience store in New Alexandria, a tiny borough about 35 miles east of Pittsburgh, because its restroom didn’t have any towels.
Reed has been cited for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, offenses similar to traffic tickets that carry a maximum fine of $300 and 90 days in jail each. Police said he broke the towel dispenser then used profane language to an employee and also outside the store.
“Reed caused damage to a towel dispenser as he was infuriated at the fact that there were no towels in it,” according to a news release by Trooper Shawn Askins, who issued the citations. The incident occurred Saturday about 2:50 a.m.
Come on, Jeffy. It's almost 3 a.m. ... just wipe your hands on your pants, man. It's not like you're on your way to church or something. It's not like you need to look good right then. And any woman who is with you at 3 a.m. at a Sheetz, I can promise you, does not have the self-respect to to turn you down because your pants look wet.
And that's just one alternate solution. Maybe wipe your hands through your hair, because it's not like you can make it look worse. That head of yours actually looks quite absorbent. Or, here's a thought: Walk over to the place where they make the Shmuffins and ask for a napkin. You're Jeff Reed, they'll give you one. You could even try the little island where they have the coffee. You wouldn't even have to ask there.
Or, you can beat the hell out of a paper towel dispenser. Your call, champ.
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