A lot of things in the NFL could stand some fixing up; for example, the Pro Bowl or the overtime system. One thing we can’t fix, though, is the offseason, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to make it more tolerable. Today, I present five steps to do so, none of which have any realistic chance of happening.

Step 2: If you drive drunk, you star in a Lifetime movie about you driving drunk.

These movies would have to be financed entirely by the player, would star the player as himself, be written by the Lifetime people and the player would pay for each movie to be broadcast on Lifetime, in primetime, without commercial interruption.

Each one of these movies would be highly fictionalized. So even if, in the case of someone like Owen Schmitt(notes), he got a DUI in which no one was hurt, in the Lifetime movie, his DUI would have killed an adorable little five-year-old girl, or a remarkable 16–year-old boy who was on track to be both an NFL quarterback, and if things broke right, a candidate to become Pope.

It would be called something like, “Hitting the Sauce and Dealing With Loss: The Owen Schmitt Story.”

During the movie, of course, Owen would get the full Lifetime treatment. We’d delve into traumatic incidents from his past, his daddy issues, and there would be scenes where angry women just berate him like a little boy. At the end, he ends up sobbing, realizing what he’s done, and hopefully, we all learn a valuable lesson. And then I review the movie on Shutdown Corner the next day.

Roger Goodell will watch the movie, too, and if at any point, he feels like Schmitt was mailing in his performance, he has the option to hit him with an eight-game suspension, no questions asked. That should ensure that the actors really dedicate themselves to their craft.

If Lifetime wants, they can donate proceeds from the broadcast to MADD, or maybe flash an 800–number on the screen where viewers can call up and make their own donations.

It works out for everyone. We get some offseason entertainment, Lifetime gets some free programming, a ratings boost and some attention from football-loving men. The NFL should get some good PR out of it. And if nothing else will dissuade them, hopefully offending NFL players, the next time they’re thinking about getting behind the wheel of a car while drunk, will think, “I do not want to star in another Lifetime movie. I can’t take Gail O’Grady yelling at me again.”

Chance of this actually happening: 0%

Would improve the offseason by: 31%

Related: NFL Offseason Ideas