February 16, 2011
As we head into an offseason of indeterminate length, we're going to have to start finding things with which to occupy ourselves. The first substitute? The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. We salute the champion, Hickory, and note other animals that reminded us of athletes in the NFL.
The bond they share: A longing to be rescued from the miserable circumstances of their existence. One of them appears to be suffering from severe depression, is forced into an absurd wardrobe, paraded around with preening, over-pampered divas, and performs for an owner who has lost all touch with reality. The other is a dog.
The bond they share: Obviously, they share many of the same hair care techniques. Both have also shown a remarkable ability to stay positive and perform well despite being surrounded for long periods of time by deadbeats.
The bond they share: A low center of gravity and a lovable nature. Both creatures have been aptly described as bowling ball-like, and in Malachy's case, it's more than a metaphor. I believe he would actually fit perfectly into a bowling ball case. Both of them have also stolen things from me: Jones-Drew, a nickname; and Malachy, my heart.
The bond they share: Maurice Jones-Drew thinks both of them need to suck it up and stop acting like pansies.
The bond they share: Both can be ferocious competitors, have a fun-loving side, and experience a compulsive need to expose their genitals to women wearing green.
The bond they share: Both decided to let their hair grow out this season, and then maintained it immaculately. Both are crowd favorites, popular among the ladies, and would look perfectly at home being carried in the purse of a supermodel.
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