April 24, 2009
Mel Kiper Jr., Todd McShay, and Mike Mayock are the three foremost NFL draft experts on television, and are, of course, very busy this time of year. Shutdown Corner was thrilled to be able to sit down with them this week to debate the eternal question: Who's better? Kiper, McShay or Mayock?
Kiper: Guys, I think you look at the three choices on the board here, and you try to figure out who best fits your needs, and I don't think there's any question that it's Mel Kiper, as long as those needs are comprehensive knowledge, experience, track record, and extreme virility.
McShay: Track record? But didn't you once predict that --
Kiper: McShay, when it's your turn to talk, I will let you know. And yeah, maybe I've been wrong on a couple through the years, and people like to talk about that, but the fact of the matter is that I've been right a lot more often than I've been wrong. And I'm back here, year after year, with my terrific motor, my natural leadership abilities, and my extreme length. McShay, I was sitting next to Chris Berman in the 9th consecutive hour of the draft suffering through his monstrous body odor before you were out of diapers, junior, so if you want to talk to me, you raise your hand first.
Mayock: Well, if experience is the key factor, Mel, I've been around a while, too, and in fact, I'm the only one of us who has ever played a down in the NFL. So you might want to get off your high horse and --
Kiper: Zip it, old man. I'm going to tell you a little something about --
Mayock: Old man? I'm exactly one year older than you! Listen, this has gotten off on the wrong foot. I just want to have a rational conversation --
Kiper: Blah blah blah blah blah. Tell it to the nine people who'll be watching you on Saturday on the NFL Network. Meanwhile, I'll be over on the Worldwide Leader, breakin' necks and cashin' checks. That's why they call me "The Franchise."
McShay: No one calls --
Kiper: YOU DIDN'T RAISE YOUR HAND.
McShay: I'm going to raise my hand to speak to you, Mel. Listen, I know you've been doing this a long time, and I respect that, but it would be nice if you could see me as an equal. Obviously, ESPN thinks I know something, or they wouldn't have brought me on board to serve as your colleague.
Kiper: Colleague? Please. Son, my last haircut cost more than your house. ESPN brought you in to get my coffee for me, but you got lost, stumbled into a studio, and someone decided to put your baby fresh mug on television.
McShay: You know you just seem like a bitter man who's afraid of being replaced, right?
Kiper: Replace me? With what, some futuristic football robot with unlimited knowledge and a golden tongue? You know what I did on Tuesday night? I put on a black ski mask and broke into Eugene Monroe's childhood pediatrician's office and stole all his old files on Monroe. And now I know what antibiotic they used to treat the ear infection he had in the third grade. Do you, Todd? You, Mike? I didn't think so. I also stole a sucker, and it was orange. It graded out very well.
Mayock: You broke into a pediatrician's office? That seems excessive.
McShay: And illegal.
Kiper: (holds up a clear plastic bag containing two large onions, and slowly swings it back and forth while nodding confidently)
Mayock: (shakes head) Guys, draft information has become a big-time industry that generates a ton of fan interest, and it's gotten so big that there's easily room for all three of us to share our opinions. History will tell us who's right and wrong, but that's not even what's important. What's important is that we educate the fans and make the draft a better experience for them.
McShay: Exactly. And I think the differing opinions that we all have can be an asset, because not all teams agree on players, either, and we can help represent that. And there's no reason we can't express these informed opinions in a calm, respectful manner.
Kiper: McShay wears panties.
McShay: That is so uncalled-for.
Mayock: Is it true?
Kiper: Look, ladies, if you want to show me calm and respectful, I'll show you someone who can't hang here in big, bad Bristol and ends up on the NFL Network, putting old men to sleep.
Mayock: Are you talking about me?
Kiper: You're a quick one, grandpa. Why don't you go take a nap? And if you have any trouble getting to sleep, just look in a mirror and start talking about Michael Oher's leg drive. That'll put you right out.
Mayock: I do a very good job and have very well-educated opinions on all players in the draft. I'm sorry that we all can't speak at 14,000 words per minute and have a haircut like the downstairs neighbor on Three's Company. Why don't you try to go get some action down at the Regal Beagle?
Kiper: Oh, that's it, go straight to the haircut, I've never heard that before. Say what you want to, Old Man River, but my hair has tremendous volume, shine, and has proven itself at every level.
McShay: I don't feel like we're accomplishing anything here.
Kiper: How would you even know what accomplishment feels like, skippy? I've got suits older than you. Tougher, too. I'll tell you what, why don't you just apologize to me, apologize to Matthew Stafford, and we'll let Mayock go get a nap and call it a day.
McShay: Whatever you say, man.
Kiper: I AM A ROAD GRADER AND YOU ARE MY RAG DOLLS.
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