Congratulations go out to John Madden, who was just named a special advisor to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. It's an unpaid position, but if Goodell's smart, the position won't be insignificant. Madden is as knowledgeable and sensible about football matters as anyone on the planet.

Here's what Madden will be doing, from Alex Weprin at Broadcasting & Cable:

In his new role, Madden will chair the Coaches Subcommittee to the Competition Committee, and will also participate in meetings with the General Managers Advisory Committee. He will also take part in a weekly call with commissioner Goodell or his selected designate to discuss issues from each week's games, and will be available for other consultation.

Through some diligent research of my own, and because I am a damn fine journalist, I've been able to uncover the first seven suggestions that Madden, through his representatives, has sent to NFL commissioner Goodell. They are as follows.

1. Traditional turduckens will be served not just at Thanksgiving, but at every game. And to ensure that Thanksgiving remains a special day in terms of meat consumption, the NFL will sponsor efforts to successfully cross-mate a turkey, a duck and a chicken, creating the world's first live, actual turducken. This turducken will be on an almost lethal cocktail of anabolic steroids and ranch dressing.

2. At their first official meeting, Coach Madden will knock a lamp off of Commissioner Goodell's desk and yell, "BOOM!" and then lightly punch Goodell in the kidneys and yell, "WHAM!" He will then chuckle and pat the commissioner on the back while the commissioner vomits blood. This is done solely for the amusement of Coach Madden.

3. Franco Harris will admit that the "Immaculate Reception" is a total lie. If he will not cooperate, Franco Harris gets John Madden's size 12 loafer up his lying behind.

4. Coach Madden's bronze Hall of Fame bust is melted down and made into a deluxe, extra-long back-scratcher, and is replaced with a bust of Coach Madden made entirely of Wisconsin cheddar cheese. Two sleeves of Ritz crackers are to be by the bust's side at all times. Madden is permitted to eat his own cheddar face whenever and as often as he chooses, and the bust must be resculpted immediately afterwards. Expect this to happen two to three times a day.

5. Brett Favre(notes) will be forced to play shirtless and oily. He cannot be tackled; only held gingerly against in a loving embrace worthy of the greatest gunslinger of our time.

6. Faith Hill must still sing that goofy Sunday Night Football song to John Madden, in person, before every Sunday night game. Tight leather clothing is necessary. For Miss Hill, that is, not Coach Madden. It would also be nice if she left behind a life-size cheddar cheese statue of herself, but it's not necessary.

7. The Raiders franchise is either disbanded or given a "do over" on every draft pick or personnel move they've made over the last five years. At this point, his association with the Raiders has become a source of embarrassment for Coach Madden.

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