July 29, 2008
In case you weren't aware -- and if you weren't, I don't know why you're refusing to take part in the best things in life -- we're in the middle of Shark Week.
Well, The Corner is not going to stand idly by while everyone else nibbles at the delicious chum. As Shutdown Corner's contribution, here's a list of 4 NFL'ers who might survive a shark attack.
1. Matt Leinart. Leinart's method of survival would be his overwhelming sex appeal. I don't think any women are safe, and I don't think any sharks are safe, either.
Leinarts's out in the Pacific, trying to wash off some of the lady stank, when all the sudden...
Leinart: Baby, what's with all the hostility?
Shark: SHARK HUNGRY EAT KILL LEINART DIE
Leinart: Come on, now. Look at that big, beautiful mouth of yours. A mouth like that should be used for making love, not making me an amputee.
Shark: (bats shark eyelashes) REALLY?
Leinart: Oh yeah, girl. You know how they say you're supposed to ram your thumb into a shark's eye during a shark attack?
Shark: I'VE HEARD.
Leinart: I'd never dream of that, baby girl. Your eyes are just too pretty.
Shark: (giggles) OH, MATTY.
Leinart: Come on. Let's go put that cartilaginous skeleton of yours to some good use.
2. Joey Porter. Porter's method of survival would be sheer intimidation, and failing that, sheer annoyance. He will kick, he will scream, he will threaten. He will shout until his lungs fail. Trash talk isn't common among ocean predators, and the unexpected nature of Porter's defense may be enough to disorient, confuse, or scare the shark.
Porter's going for a dip off the coast of southern Florida, when all the sudden...
Porter: What the? Levi Jones, is that you (naughty language alert)? Oh, we gonna take this fight to the seas, now, Levi? WELL LET'S GET IT ON, THEN.
Shark: (emerges terrifyingly from the water) RAAARRRRRRR!
Porter: Oh. It's just some damn fish.
Shark: NOT JUST SOME DAMN FISH, BIG SCARY FISH WHO KILLS AND EATS PEOPLE
Porter: What did you just say to me, player? You think you gonna kill Joey Porter?
Shark: YES YOU LOOK DELICIOUS
Porter: Yeah, well you look like you ABOUT TO MADE INTO A FEW DOZEN FISH STICKS AND A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS FOR JOEY PORTER. IT'S FIGHTIN' TIME, FLIPPER.
Shark: FLIPPER WAS A DOLPHIN STUPID
Porter: (punches shark in the face, denting it with Super Bowl XL ring) You like that? Joey Porter's got some more for you, punk-ass. COME ON, FIGHT BACK, SUCKA. I'm out here in the ocean, and I'mma find Nemo, and I'm gonna SHOVE THAT LITTLE SKIRT UP YOUR PASTY WHITE SHARK A-
Shark: YOU TALK TOO MUCH
Porter: Don't you NEVER interrupt Joey Porter (punches shark in the face again). THIS IS MY OCEAN. YOU GET OUT. This ain't the Atlantic Ocean no more, this is the JOEY PORTER OCEAN, and I say NO FISH ALLOWED.
Shark: THIS GUY'S CRAZY, I'M GOING TO BEACH MYSELF.
Porter: THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. NO MORE FISH IN MY OCEAN.
3. Ricky Williams. Ricky's method of survival would be his calm demeanor, peaceful aura, and ability to make people feel at ease.
meditating in the
Joey Porter Atlantic Ocean one day, when all the sudden...
Ricky: Hello, ocean friend.
Shark: SHARK GOING TO EAT RICKY ARRRRRGHGHRHGHGH
Ricky: You know, your aggression is an obvious mask for some kind of inner vulnerability. What's wrong, my big gray friend?
Shark: NOTHING WRONG, BUT LAST FORMER TEXAS RUNNING BACK I TRIED TO EAT TASTED LIKE GIN
Ricky: Ha. You've got a good sense of humor. You should let people see it more often. Do you have a lot of friends?
Shark: NO I ATE THEM
Ricky: Everyone needs friends in this life, you know. I used to like to be alone, too, but I learned that while it's a good thing to be comfortable by yourself, everyone needs some help to get by in this crazy world.
Shark: I DON'T NEED FRIENDS I NEED MEAT
Ricky: A vegan lifestyle really is healthier. You know, it really hurts people when you eat them. It causes a lot of physical pain. Not just to your victim, but to their families.
Shark: SO WHAT SHARK HUNGRY
Ricky: Maybe you should try some kelp instead. It's very high in riboflavin, iron, and folic acid, which supports healthy heart function. Many people in Japan include it in their daily diet and think kelp is delicious.
Shark: I THINK JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE DELICIOUS
Ricky: It's probably all the kelp.
Shark: I GO EAT KELP NOW OR JAPANESE PERSON WHATEVER I FIND FIRST
Ricky: That's the spirit. Go along on your own path now, and I hope you feel as fortunate as I do to have taken part in this conversation. Do you want to hug?
Shark: NO BYE HIPPIE
4. Brett Favre. Favre's method of survival would be to disorient the shark by performing a series of contradictory actions that would drive any onlooker to madness.
Favre is in the ocean, doing a little gunslinging, when all the sudden...
Favre: That's it, I'm getting out of the ocean. Right now.
Shark: DARN IT, MISSED OPPORTUNITY, I'LL SWIM AWAY NOW
Favre: Ah, you know what, maybe I'll stay in for a few more minutes. The water's really nice today.
Shark: TURNING AROUND NOW, GOING TO EAT HAIRY GUY
Favre: Maybe sitting on the beach with a good book and working on my tan is a better idea.
Shark: SIGH, HE'S LEAVING AGAIN
Favre: Ah, what the heck, let's splash around a little bit longer. I'm not going to have this opportunity once the season starts.
Shark: HE'S LIKE A LITTLE KID OUT HERE
Favre: My fingers are starting to wrinkle, though. Maybe it's time to get out.
Shark: I HATE THIS GUY
Favre: But the saltwater feels oh-so-good. I hear it's good for your skin, too.
Shark: MAKE YOUR MIND, WIENER
Favre: But there is a tractor pull on ESPN2 coming up in about a half hour. Maybe I should get out now, so I can go watch it.
Shark: SCREW THIS, I'M LEAVING
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