January 12, 2009
5. Most American truck owners. Howie Long thinks you're a pansy. If you have a heated steering wheel or a step that helps you get into the bed of your truck, then you probably wear frilly pink panties with your work boots. And if you own a Ford, Dodge, or (heaven forbid) Honda truck or SUV, then why don't you go bake a crème brûlée and write Richard Simmons a fan letter, Suzy? YOU DISGUST HOWIE LONG.
At about 7:30 last night, I was absolutely punch drunk on truck commercials. A man can only take so many. Say you watched 14 hours of football and pregame shows this weekend, and say there were six truck commercials in any given hour of programming (I feel like that's a conservative estimate). That's 84 truck commercials in two days, all of them assuming that's you're some sort of illiterate beast who cares only about how manly your truck is perceived to be, and how cool it will look driving away from an explosion.
No wonder the American auto industry is performing like Jake Delhomme. We're pouring all our efforts into these giant trucks that very, very, very few people actually need, paying untold millions to advertise them, and then bragging that they get 21 miles per gallon.
The upside, though, is that I've never been more confident about Howie Long's masculinity. So there's that.
4. Eli Manning. For the two quarters when he was facing the wind, Eli Manning had an excuse for the poor throws he made yesterday. And the other two quarters? No word on that.
I wrote that when Plaxico checked himself out for the season by putting a bullet in his own leg that it wouldn't distract the Giants. And I don't think it did. But what I underestimated was how much he meant to the football team.
Eli is not Tom Brady or Donovan McNabb, where you can just throw him out there with any group of receivers, and he'll thrive. When that that deep threat was taken away, and the Giants didn't have that guy to stretch the defense and draw attention, Eli's limitations became a lot more visible.
This is something the Giants might want to keep in mind before they cut ties with Plaxico forever. I don't make this argument for Plax's sake, and I know you don't want a headcase like that around. But the distractions that Plax brings, the Giants can deal with. A receiving core without him, though, I'm not sure that they can.
3. Stinky insurance guy. I hate to dwell on commercials after such a fantastic weekend of football, but given the repetitive nature of these damn things, I just can't help it. Certain things have been pounded into my head, and they're haunting my Monday.
Who at 21st Century Auto felt like it was a good idea to have their company inextricably linked to a man who seems to pride himself on obnoxiousness and poor personal hygiene? I don't want to see a close-up of him sticking his tongue out. I don't want to see a woman on all fours being forced to sniff his crack. I don't want to see the floor-cam view of him bending over.
I don't want that guy to have anything to do with my insurance. I want him to take a damn shower and stay the hell off of my television.
2. The Tennessee turnover machine. Three turnovers did the Titans in, and they came from three different people. LenDale While, Alge Crumpler, and Kerry Collins can share this spot ... though I hate to do that, too, since Collins was very good for most of the game. So was White, for that matter.
I don't see any way around it, though, as not much else out there is so easily identifiable as the cause for a loss this weekend. Sorry, Kerry and LenDale.
1. Jake Delhomme. Five interceptions. Every single one of them Jake's fault. It's not like you didn't know this was coming.
Posted Jul 2 2012
Posted Jul 3 2012
Posted Jun 21 2012