February 25, 2008
The Wonderlic Test will be administered to all participants at the NFL Combine this week, and is designed to measure
Many people, myself among them, question the relevance of this test to NFL aptitude. I don't mean to imply that football players are dumb, but let's face it, a high level of intelligence is not required to shove the man standing across from you.
With that in mind, I've created an exam that I feel would be a far better indicator of how a player will perform and behave in the National Football League. That exam follows below. A time limit of 14 hours is suggested.
1. Circle the endzones:
2. Pacman Jones:
A) is a guy who knows how to party.
B) understands good nutrition.
C) could probably introduce me to some nice girls.
D) is someone with whom you should never even make eye contact, unless, God forbid, you need to find a good lawyer.
3. When you line up across from an opposing player and he insults your mother, the appropriate response is to:
A) cry, calmly explain to the man that your mother is a nice person who volunteers at the local soup kitchen, and alert an official that an opposing player is using adult language.
B) wait for him by his car after the game and kill him.
C) Run immediately to the sidelines, call you mother, and tell her that you love her.
D) ignore it, go about the business of winning, and if you get a moment when the official isn't looking, do something violent to his genitalia.
4. Performance enhancing drugs:
A) are my ticket to the Hall of Fame.
B) would be better if they tasted like fruit and were shaped like various Flintstones characters.
C) are not for me, because I find that cocaine aids my performance much more effectively.
D) apparently worked for Rodney Harrison.
5. If you have the football and are running towards the endzone while a defender is chasing you from behind, you should:
A) run fast.
B) walk leisurely.
C) lateral the ball to an offensive linemen, because they don't get to score very often.
D) run out of bounds in order to save some energy for the next play.
6. If a teammate told you he was gay, you would:
A) assume he wanted to have sex with you, and start babbling something about the showers.
B) kill him, but not kiss him first like that weird neighbor guy in American Beauty.
C) call Tony Dungy and tell him that you know someone who needs an intervention.
D) understand that he probably could use your support, and maybe, just maybe, explore an exciting new lifestyle for yourself.
7. Driving drunk:
A) is fun and challenging.
B) is perfectly acceptable if you're a Cincinnati Bengal.
C) doesn't count if you've only been drinking beer.
D) is exceedingly dumb, especially for someone who has as much money as you're about to have.
8. In the NFL, how many of your feet need to touch the ground in bounds while you are in possession of the football in order for the catch to be valid?
C) Two feet, but if I have a chance to get my third leg involved, I will (that's right, ladies).
D) I have no idea what the word "valid" means.
9. Strippers are:
A) not really people.
B) trying to pay their way through college and in need of your help.
C) good wife material.
D) a reasonable alternative to sexual assault.
10. The man pictured below is:
B) going to destroy any more Spygate evidence he gets and then tell the public, "Oh, it was nothing."
C) not going to be amused when I go to a strip club the night before I'm supposed to meet with him because I keep getting in trouble in strip clubs.
D) NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
E) all of the above.
(10 more questions follow after clicking the link below.)
11. If an opponent has the ball, and you are standing between him and the endzone, you should:
A) tackle him.
B) drop a banana peel in his path.
C) try to talk him out of running into the endzone, but if he seems really adamant about it, encourage him to follow his heart, because there's no need for things to get violent.
D) begin digging a moat, and then building a large brick wall at the goal line, because in the long run, that will be more effective at keeping people out of the endzone than just 11 guys running around.
12. When you're sad, you should:
A) punch the nearest woman.
B) smoke a whole bag of weed, preferably in a moving car or an airport.
C) try one of those "cry for help" fake suicide attempts, which will get you a lot of attention and probably some sympathy sex from your publicist.
D) understand that it's never, ever, going to get better as long as you're an Oakland Raider.
13. When signing your first contract, you should:
A) call an ex-rapper and ask him if he'd like to be your agent.
B) use the really nice crayons.
C) make sure you're getting at least as much money as you did at USC.
D) try to avoid a contract holdout, unless you want to back up Derek Anderson for the next 4 years.
14. The ideal pregame meal is:
A) whatever the team's staff provides for me to eat.
B) scrambled eggs and PCP.
C) 75 twinkies.
D) one of everything from the Taco Bell menu, with extra hot sauce.
15. True or False: If Emmitt Smith can get a job as an ESPN commentator, then there's no reason that you shouldn't be able to find some kind of gainful employment when your career is over.
16. True or False: When you "make it rain" in a strip club by throwing money at strippers, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for that money back, because strippers are known for giving money back to customers.
17. True or False: If a train leaves Omaha traveling at 50 miles per hour, and travels east for six hours into a 30 mph headwind, Michael Vick is still a jackass.
18. True or False: The majority of your practice time should be spent practicing endzone celebrations, because there's nothing an NFL coach appreciates more than the art of dance.
19. True or False: If Matt Millen tells you that you're an excellent football player, it should be taken as a great compliment because he has a very keen eye for these things.
Just write a complete sentence. If you can't do that, just write down a word. Or your name. Try to spell it right. If that's too much, draw a picture of something. Or don't. Honestly, if you do anything other than chew on this portion of the paper, you're going to be fine.
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