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New Year's NASCAR resolutions

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It's that time again – time for those New Year's resolutions that somehow find themselves dismissed by the time the green flag flies for the Daytona 500.

With that in mind, sometimes it's best to have someone else do your resolutions for you. That way, you can't feel guilty when you've failed to keep your word.

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Therefore, I offer the following resolutions for the motorsports world:

NASCAR race officials: To not throw a caution for debris unless the object in question is visible and recognizable by the naked eye from a distance of a ¼-mile. The only exception is if Dale Earnhardt Jr. needs to make a pit stop, then the caution flag can be displayed immediately and without question.

Carl Edwards: To do more backflips and challenge Kasey Kahne for the title of "Sexiest driver in NASCAR."

Boris Said: Win one of the marquee events on NASCAR's Nextel Cup schedule so that every sponsor who has said no to his team will humbly support him for a full season.

Kurt Busch: To forget everything he's learned from Roger Penske and revert back to the nasty Kurt Busch we all remember – just for a day – so we all can truly appreciate the genuine transformation the 2004 champion has undergone.

International Speedway Corporation: To stop wasting their stockholders' money as well as everyone's time and energy and give that pipe dream of having a track in the New York City area a rest. The Big Apple is a stick-and-ball town and no amount of money or desire will change that – ever.

Team Red Bull: To do better in NASCAR than their Formula One counterparts have done around the world – which shouldn't be that difficult.

Juan Pablo Montoya: To win races, win the Nextel Cup and win over the hearts of the millions of NASCAR fans with his talent and his drive to win at all cost. The fans eventually will take to wearing the Columbian flag on their t-shirts, too.

Nearly every non-SMI track NASCAR visits: To update their facilities and provide the kind of amenities the fans deserve. If you need direction, give Eddie Gossage or Tony George a call.

NASCAR: To keep doing what they're doing. Despite the constant barrage of criticism, compared to every other racing series in the world, NASCAR does it better.

ABC/ESPN: To win back every casual and hardcore NASCAR fan that NBC turned away from the sport with its appalling disregard for them.

Busch Series: To find a new title sponsor that will appreciate the value of this series – especially when NASCAR changes to muscle cars in 2009.

Robert Yates: To be satisfied with the idea that winning races isn't what's important, but just being able to compete in NASCAR's Nextel Cup Series is.

NASCAR (again): To shorten all 500 mile races to 400 miles, except for those run on restrictor plate tracks. It would be the single greatest change the sanctioning body could undertake to make stock car racing more acceptable to the masses.

Hendrick Motorsports: To spread the wealth and make the 25 team as good as the 24, 48 and 5 teams.

Tony George and Kevin Kalkhoven: To give American open wheel racing fans, sponsors and drivers what they so desperately want and deserve: a single series. Stop listening to your respective team owners and do what is right. Your failure to resolve this issue will be your legacy forever, despite whatever else you do in this life. Stop this madness – now.

National Hot Rod Association: To gain the broader fan following and sponsor support it so richly deserves. Try watching a Top Fuel dragster fly down the ¼-mile at over 330 mph – in person – and then try not to fall in love with drag racing. Note to all NHRA participants: Bruton Smith buying the NHRA could be a nightmare. Be careful what you wish for.

Tony Stewart: To accept the leadership role in the garage which others have placed upon you.

International Race of Champions: To find a dedicated, long-term title sponsor who will keep the road course on the schedule and add a race at Stewart's Eldora dirt track. They won't need additional grandstands for the race at Eldora, as this series primarily is made for TV, anyway.

NASCAR (once more): To employ a full-time, traveling medical unit.

Craftsman Truck Series: To gain the respect it deserves. And to add a road course race to the schedule in '08.

Michael Schumacher: To accept someone's invitation to race, at least once, in NASCAR.

Toyota: To be good, but not that good.

Ricky Rudd and Ward Burton: To get it out of their systems before they get hurt.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: To win the Nextel Cup title just once for DEI before taking his name and his talents to RCR.

Ryan Newman: To show the world that 2006 was a bad dream and that he's capable of being a Nextel Cup champion.

Bobby Labonte: To win not one, not two, but three races in the 43 Dodge in 2007. It will happen.

Grand Am Series/American Le Mans Series: To have continued success with their two very distinct formulas for sports car racing in North America. The purists will continue to support the ALMS with its factory-supported and unique race cars. Meanwhile, race fans who enjoy fender-bumping racing action will support Grand Am.

Speed Channel: To find a way to regain the audience that over the past two years couldn't change the channel fast enough.

And finally…

Race fans across the country: To continue to support racing at all levels, not just at the top. Visit your local short track; that's where racing is at its best.

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