New Year's Major League Baseball resolutions
Another year, another safe-deposit box full of misdeeds and regrets. No, baseball players aren't perfect, and it is in their flaws that we relate to them.
So do not be shocked to learn that your favorite baseball figures, too, make New Year's resolutions. They are the easiest way to remember the past while looking forward – though, admittedly, the needle marks and back acne are apt reminders.
Alex Rodriguez: I resolve not to cheat on my wife with strippers who look like they wear acid-washed jeans, opt out of my contract in the middle of the World Series, gag in the playoffs again, play slum lord to the disenfranchised and then act contrite during a softball Katie Couric interview. In other words, I resolve to not be myself.
Paul Byrd: I resolve to find a new dentist, one that recognizes the difference between tooth decay and moral decay.
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Joe Torre: I resolve to rip the Yankee organization only in a grandfatherly tone, because any other way would seem catty.
Tom Lasorda: I resolve to stay away from those naughty ho, ho, ho's after doing the Santa Lasorda routine at Dodger Stadium holiday party.
Bobby Cox: I resolve to get ejected for all the right reasons, which include balls and strikes, bad calls on the bases, close plays at the plate, umpires breathing wrong, butterflies flapping their wings, Joe Morgan mispronouncing a name, a keyboard being used somewhere in America and photosynthesis occurring.
George Mitchell: I resolve to get a shipment of HGH for those damn wrinkles in my forehead.
Kirk Radomski: I resolve to write a book that refutes Jose Canseco's assertion. I'll call it "Why Steroids Don't Work: The Story of Josias Manzanillo, Phil Hiatt, Cody McKay, Adam Piatt, Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich and Nook Logan."
Brian McNamee: It's a good thing I'm not going to jail, because I resolve to no longer stick objects in men's butts.
Roger Clemens: I resolve to find the real killers.
Andy Pettitte: I resolve to pitch Hallmark a whole new line of you-screwed-your-best-friend cards.
Jim Bowden: I resolve to revolutionize scouting by targeting men on the FBI 10 Most Wanted list. Heard Whitey Bulger's got a sick gyroball.
Elijah Dukes: I resolve to commit only misdemeanors.
Hank Steinbrenner: I resolve to rehire George Costanza. He would get the Santana trade done.
Barry Bonds: I resolve to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, and, big man, I hope you can help me like steroids did.
Jonathan Papelbon: I resolve to treat my dog to obedience lessons and myself to dance lessons.
Paul Lo Duca: I resolve to use personal stationery for all future steroid purchases.
Scott Boras: I resolve to resume imbibing in the blood of virgins to regain my power.
Kosuke Fukudome: I resolve to greet opposing fans with a middle finger when they intentionally mangle my last name.
Willie Randolph: I resolve to win the National League East.
Jimmy Rollins: I resolve to make Willie Randolph look like a fool again.
Jeffrey Loria: I resolve to legally change my name to Ebenezer Scrooge.
Gary Matthews Jr., Jose Guillen, Rick Ankiel, Troy Glaus, Jerry Hairston Jr. and 80 or so others: We resolve to just say no to drugs. And by no, we mean no, not in that vein, in this one.
Jose Offerman: I resolve to bat with a scythe, just in case a pitcher tries to throw at me again.
Brett Myers: I resolve to fight children, elderly women, dwarves, cancer patients, drunks and all other comers, seeing as I've already punched my wife in the face and threatened a sportswriter.
Tony La Russa: I resolve to learn the alphabet.
Alyssa Milano: I resolve to not date another ballplayer.
Brad Penny, Barry Zito, Russell Martin, Carl Pavano: We resolve not to date Alyssa Milano again.
Mike Hargrove: I resolve to reveal the true reason I left Seattle in the middle of such a great season. I was afraid Mariner Moose would go after me next.
Rafael Palmeiro: I resolve to "explain myself."
Rep. Henry Waxman: I resolve, as chairman of the House Committee on Government Reform, to solve only the United States' true problems, such as the subprime mortgage mess, the impending Social Security crisis and, of course, that nation-bending, economy-crushing, era-defining scourge, steroids.
Bud Selig: I resolve to do the right thing this time – follow Jason Tyner every game as he inches closer to hitting the second home run of his 1,356-at-bat career.
