1. By now you probably know that Thursday, June 26, is a day off throughout the United States to watch the U.S. men's national soccer team play Germany at noon Eastern in a massively important World Cup contest.
2. This emergency bill was signed into law early this morning by U.S. Prime Minister Ryan Seacrest.
3. Need the time off from your job to watch the game? Simply cut this story out of the print edition of today's newspaper with a pair of scissors—or, if you don't know what the print edition of a newspaper is, pull it up to your smartphone or tablet. Show it to your boss, and the boss must reward you with Thursday off. Trust me on this. It's the law.
4. (And you might as well take Friday and make it a four-day weekend.)
5. Before watching the game, it's essential to have as American a breakfast as possible. This is left to you: Denny's or Waffle House. Just to be safe, you may as well go to both Denny's and Waffle House, but you might need to lie down in the back of the car later.
6. If you are a big fan of the USMNT, you need no introduction to the team, or the stakes against Germany. If you are new to following the USMNT, welcome, and here's a primer: This has been a thrilling run by the U.S. men's national team. Plunged into the "Group of Death," the most competitive bracket in the tournament, the USMNT has exceeded expectations already—beating rival Ghana and playing Portugal to a tie. Now the Americans have a chance to advance in the World Cup with a win or a tie against Germany, one of the planet's top clubs.
7. If that was too long to read, just watch the team in red, white, and blue, and scream for as long as possible.
8. Most U.S.A. place to watch the USMNT? That's easy. A bald eagle's nest.
9. If you get stuck at work—and sorry—it is totally fine to watch the game at your boss's desk with a 12-pack and a giant bucket of Buffalo wings.
10. If this is your first time watching soccer, you will be shocked how neat and compact a viewing experience this is. A soccer match seldom lasts longer than two hours. Two hours! That's how long it takes to play the last six minutes of an NBA playoff game.
11. Do not watch the game by yourself. Come on. Watching TV by yourself is for random nights when you want to binge-watch "House Hunters" while eating from a bag of frozen waffles.
12. If you are going to a local bar to watch the game, it's important to find out about the TV situation before you go. If the TV is not as big as Connecticut, find another bar.
13. This is a hugely critical high-demand game and you need to get to the bar or restaurant very early in order to secure a prime seat. I suggest getting there in April 2012.
14. Cocktails at noon? Cocktails at noon.
15. Do not be afraid to ask questions. Questions are good! How many minutes are in a half? What is stoppage time? How come there are no commercials? Will LeBron really go to the Cavaliers? Did Pearl Jam really sing "Let It Go" in a concert the other night?
16. With about 10 minutes left to play, just for a laugh, take the restaurant's remote and change the TV over to "Judge Judy." Everyone will think this is hilarious especially the guys in front in the face paint.
17. No Cristiano Ronaldo jokes. Too soon.
18. Many established soccer countries have songs and chants, but the U.S. is catching up. There's the "I Believe That We Will Win" chant, of course, which is infectious and fun. If you have run out of things to chant or sing, simply sing side one of Van Halen's "1984" while riding on the back of a Harley-Davidson.
19. No, biting does not happen in every game. That is only for special occasions.
20. Stay for the final 20 seconds of the game. Please. It's important. Stuff happens.
21. Can you believe the U.S. is on the verge of escaping the Group of Death and this country has World Cup fever? How great is this?
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