COMMENTARY | With the dog days of the NBA offseason upon us, I decided that this is the perfect time to capitalize on the popularity of pale-green corpses.
The following is my Utah Jazz zombie apocalypse survivor team (which is best read while listening to Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive"):
Gordon Hayward: The Expert
As a professional video gamer, Hayward has probably survived the world of the living dead several times already. That being the case, he'd for sure be the squad's go-to guy, doing things like saving his buddy Jeremy Evans in a slow motion-y way, or saying macho lines like, "Shoot 'em in the head!" or "They don't like water!"
Enes Kanter: Comic Relief
Like he did when he suffered a season-ending shoulder injury last March, Kanter would make the best jokes in the most serious and inappropriate moments. But lightening the mood wouldn't be his only role. Thanks to a firm work ethic (one that led him to shed 51 pounds last summer), he'd have no problem ripping apart soulless bodies, too.
Derrick Favors: The Tough Guy
Favors' defensive abilities, which resulted in 1.7 swats per game last year, would be huge in a post-apocalyptic world. Plus, with a 6-foot-10, 263-pound frame, he may turn into one of those guys who could clear a five-block radius in a matter of minutes.
Marvin Williams: The Sacrifice
Like he's done throughout his eight years in the league (career averages of 11.0 points and 5.1 rebounds per game), Williams would make some solid contributions. Problem is, the injury-prone small forward would probably get hurt somewhere along the way. I can hear him now: "Go ahead. Leave me. I'll just slow you down."
Ian Clark: The Sharp-Shooter
The recently acquired Clark -- who shot 16-for-33 from deep during the Las Vegas Summer League -- would be perfect as a watchman/sniper. Should the group run out of food or water, his precision from long range would allow Hayward & Co. to leave base and search nearby buildings.
Deron Williams: The Betrayer
There's always that one person who gets bit and doesn't tell anyone. He slowly begins to turn, and, although the team notices he's different, it gets passed off as fatigue, hunger, or shock. Then, of course, he turns into a zombie at the worst possible time and attacks someone else in the group (Jerry Sloan) before finally being put to rest (traded to New Jersey).
Nu Skin Jazz Dancer: The Object of Affection/Love Interest
Like "Shaun of the Dead" or "Warm Bodies," some zombie films feature a little romance, and seeing as Kanter is starring in this one, it's only fitting to add one of the ladies he propped up in this 2012 photo shoot.
Jared Bray, a graduate of Brigham Young University's broadcast journalism program, has followed the Utah Jazz since 2008, when he covered the team as a sports correspondent for KBYU-TV's Daily News at Noon.
- Sports & Recreation
- Utah Jazz
- Gordon Hayward