Premier League: 7 kneejerk opinions after just two weeks

Offering up studied analysis a fortnight into the season is as pointless as guessing a whodunit from the opening lines of dialogue. With a meagre 180 minutes of football apiece the league table lies and the sprinkling of clues will mostly be red herrings, so why not indulge in some grandiose whimsy and join every bar-bore across the country in declaring Manchester United champions-elect while condemning Palace to the drop? It’s far more fun than studied analysis anyway.

Cantona is dead. Long live King Zlatan
The Gallic genius and part-time poet led United to four titles in his five-year reign and it arguably would have been a full house had he not taken exception to Palace fan Matthew Simmons shouting “It’s an early bath for you Mr Cantona”.

Old Trafford has witnessed several pretenders to Eric’s throne since his retirement in 1997 but in Ibrahimovic they finally have nobility born to wear the crown and if bookmakers haven’t already paid out on a 14th Premier League title it’s only because 35-year-olds are sadly susceptible to injury.

The Swede’s on-field bromance with Paul Pogba bodes extremely well while three goals in two games suggests there could be a Golden Boot to accompany the pomp and ceremony come May.

Kolorov is a shoo-in for the PFA Team of the Year
Anyone with even a passing knowledge of Pep Guardiola’s unique coaching alchemy is aware that he loves a reinvention or two. Yet nobody could have predicted it would be last season’s scapegoat-of-choice Aleksander Kolorov who would find himself reborn in a tactical masterplan that has already spawned a multitude of nerdy Vines.

Deployed as an innovative ‘three-quarter-back’ the scowling Serb is relishing the challenge of moving inside at any given opportunity to form a midfield duo with his fellow full-back while his passing from the back has been consummate and varied.

Previous Pep reinventions have included Messi and Lahm. We can now add Kolorov to the list. The mind boggles.

Wenger’s days are numbered

Before a ball had even been kicked – or in Arsenal’s case tippy-tappied a hundred times across the final third in a quite attractive but unproductive fashion – the narrative was forming that Arsene Wenger was a man out of time. Exciting new managerial rivals promised glamour, unpredictability and ruthless passion leaving the 66-year-old appear curmudgeonly and set in his ways, a perception only strengthened by his regular moans about an inflated transfer market.

His failure to recruit a big-money striker will be costly and already we’re witnessing supporter unrest that has bubbled over in recent times return with a vengeance. The longest serving top flight gaffer could be a mere footnote to the 2016/17 campaign.

Pardew’s Palace party is over
The charge that Alan Pardew is a ‘streaky’ manager has merit and even a cursory trawl through his record at West Ham, Newcastle and others reveals an equal number of Manager of the Month awards and calls for his head. When he’s hot he’s hot, when he’s not he presides over a calamitous run of defeats that suggests his side has lost all belief and identity.

A cup final appearance aside, Palace endured an appalling run through 2016 and on early evidence it seems their plight has bled over with a dire surrender to West Brom on the opening day an ominous sign of what lies ahead.

In Christian Benteke, Andros Townsend and Wilfried Zaha they surely have enough attacking quality to eventually stem the tide. Pardew however probably won’t be there to take credit for it.

Hull’s siege mentality can see them safe
With no manager, only 13 senior players, and the club’s owners refusing to take responsibility for a mess of their own making, the Tigers looked destined to immediately reacquaint themselves with the Championship.

Caretaker boss Mike Phelan then deserves huge kudos for forging an against-the-odds group ethic that has seen Hull become only the second promoted side to the Premier League to win their opening two fixtures. Better still, with a combined 26 shots attempted neither victory can be termed smash-and-grab and suggests instead the depleted squad are fronting up to their adversity.

Make no mistake about it, securing a mid-table spot will be Leicester-esque in its achievement and the early indicators are that it is no longer impossible, just unlikely.

Liverpool will entertain and nothing more
We should be thankful to Jürgen Klopp’s unfinished symphony for providing us with a seven goal thriller at the Emirates on an otherwise routine opening weekend, but our gratitude will be little consolation to Liverpool fans in light of their frustrating reverse to Burnley.

A solitary clean sheet in their last 11 away games highlights a lack of cohesiveness at the back while the Reds’ desperate need for a quality left-back is in danger of becoming a never-ending saga.

Despite enjoying a staggering 81% of the possession at Turf Moor, the attacking trio of Sturridge, Firmino and Coutinho lacked a cutting edge throughout which inevitably will happen on occasion. When it does Liverpool are there for the taking.

Everton’s Idrissa Gueye is the new Kante
It is a testament to N’Golo Kante’s incredible introduction to English football that after just one season he has already joined Makelele and Pirlo in having a midfield ‘type’ named after him.

The role epitomised by Chelsea’s £32m summer recruit demands a ferocious work ethic, ideally three lungs, and the energy-sapping requirement to break up play and set a quick rhythm in possession. There is no question that Gueye ticks all three boxes and his dynamic impact on Koeman’s new-look Everton side – that includes an 85.4% pass completion rate so far - has already impressed the Goodison faithful.
Expect Gareth Barry to enjoy a fourth consecutive Indian Summer as he revels in the energy and legwork around him.