You know, it's kind of unfair the Yankees have to play in the same division as the Rays every year, when other clubs get the favor of dozens of games against poorly run, bloated-payroll organizations.
Maybe this is something to consider for Bud's committee.
1. Tampa Bay Rays (29-11; Previous: 1) – Maddon describes Rays' game as "liberal arts" baseball, hands out syllabi for another semester of Butt Whippin' 101.
2. New York Yankees (25-15; Previous: 2) – Rivera allows grand slam, immediately plunges to bottom of Sea of Galilee.
3. Philadelphia Phillies (25-14; Previous: 4) – Upon further questioning, bullpen coach reveals he was pumping up relievers by making Rockies hitters look really small through wrong end of binoculars.
6. San Diego Padres (24-16; Previous: 5) – Latos heave smashes broadcaster's sunroof, is pretty sure the baseball in front seat is optional.
7. Toronto Blue Jays (25-17; Previous: 14) – Jays' early schedule so soft Charmin in negotiations for April and May naming rights.
8. San Francisco Giants (22-17; Previous: 7) – Padres the Giants can't beat: Latos, Garland, LeBlanc, Richard. Padres they might have a chance against: Los Padres National Forest, El Padre Nuestro, Alberto Cutie, Marcelo Rossi.
9. Texas Rangers (23-18; Previous: 8) – Saltalamacchia in the minors battling The Thing. If that goes well, will take on The Blob, maybe one or two Killer Tomatoes.
10. Cincinnati Reds (23-17; Previous: 12) – While gas-guzzling Big Red Machine looks nice in driveway, club prefers Rolen in new eco-friendly hybrid.
11. St. Louis Cardinals (23-18; Previous: 6) – Cards swept at home by Astros, pretty sure that will be season's low point. Well, that and postgame, improv puppet show by La Russa using two sanitary socks.
12. Boston Red Sox (21-20; Previous: 10) – Lowell asks for clarification of role, team suggests Miffed Guy at End of Bench No. 1, or perhaps understudy to whomever it was Theo was playing at that Pearl Jam concert.
13. Los Angeles Dodgers (22-18; Previous: 17) – Dodgers right fielder won't need surgery after injuring pinkie, avoids Ethier-OR proposition.
14. Florida Marlins (22-19; Previous: 20) – Hanley points out manager Fredi Gonzalez never played in big leagues, rendering him unqualified to measure hustle. Has other complaints, too, but generally lacks the energy to go through them all.
15. Washington Nationals (21-20; Previous: 13) – Nats happy local Wizards get first overall selection in draft, really hoping they don't pick Bryce Harper.
18. Los Angeles Angels (19-23; Previous: 18) – Matsui having trouble filling Vladdy's shoes, has the old-man walk down pretty good though.
19. Colorado Rockies (19-21; Previous: 16) – Had he been told in spring Tulowitzki would have one home run in late May, Tracy admits he would have "giggled," insists, however, he would not have chuckled, tee-heed, or sniggered.
20. New York Mets (19-22; Previous: 15) – Manuel's job intact after closed-door meeting with Wilpon and Minaya, is, however, missing his watch and wallet.
21. Chicago Cubs (19-22; Previous: 22) – Byrd guarantees club will make playoffs, declines to specify sport.
22. Chicago White Sox (16-23; Previous: 23) – Ozzie says good teams win games, bad teams hold meetings, adjourns gathering by whacking Kenny Williams with gavel.
23. Pittsburgh Pirates (18-22; Previous: 27) – Bucs have winning record against one team. Hint: It's the Cubs!
24. Seattle Mariners (14-26; Previous: 21) – Milton returns, says therapy worked pretty well, secretly believes Piniella will try to take credit for that, too.
25. Arizona Diamondbacks (17-24; Previous: 25) – In National League, D'backs hit most homers, give up most homers, admit they're starting to run out of baseballs.
26. Cleveland Indians (15-23; Previous: 26) – After blowing save (to smithereens), Wood throws glove into stands. Fan ropes it into left-center field gap.
28. Milwaukee Brewers (15-25; Previous: 24) – Club announces Hoffman won't close games for a while. So, business as usual.
29. Houston Astros (14-26; Previous: 28) – Berkman volunteers to be first one out, hopes not to be trampled by Oswalt.