We've got our casual wear requirements, our mound territorial rights, our Heartbreak Hotel headgear, and our new No. 1. Must be baseball season.
2. New York Yankees (13-7; Previous: 1) – Girardi offers to shake hands with Obama, at last second goes with man-hug, immediately regrets it.
3. Minnesota Twins (14-7; Previous: 4) – Mauer goes to Target store, where fans, according to grandpa Jake, "almost tore his clothes off." It should be noted Mauer was wearing his Packers jammies.
4. St. Louis Cardinals (14-7; Previous: 5) – Cards visit San Quentin State Prison, walk among guards, come to understand where La Russa gets the sweet shades.
5. Philadelphia Phillies (12-9; Previous: 2) – Season going much smoother for Moyer since he got those tennis balls for front legs of walker.
6. San Diego Padres (13-8; Previous: 24) – Eckstein homers once, strikes out once in first 63 plate appearances. Also, coincidentally, shaves once.
7. San Francisco Giants (12-9; Previous: 6) – Lincecum would like people to move past his marijuana bust, throws them off by revealing he's always wanted VW van. Should work.
8. New York Mets (13-9; Previous: 27) – After one of great homestands in club history, team warns Mr. Met against getting big head.
9. Los Angeles Angels (12-11; Previous: 16) – After crushing collision with Teixeira in L.A., Bobby Wilson(notes) sees stars. Disappointed it's just Larry King and that skinny guy from "Saved by the Bell."
10. Oakland Athletics (12-10; Previous: 13) – While A's on road trip, Braden stays behind to string barbed wire around mound.
11. Detroit Tigers (12-10; Previous: 10) – Tigers take long view, working hard to clinch home-field advantage for Game 163.
13. Boston Red Sox (11-11; Previous: 7) – Theo Epstein thinking long and hard about wearing the gorilla suit again.
14. Seattle Mariners (11-11; Previous: 18) – Scientists ecstatic over discovery of fabled giant Palouse earthworm, continue digging in search of dwarf Mariner offense.
16. Florida Marlins (11-11; Previous: 21) – ESPN's Bobby Valentine predicts Josh Johnson(notes), "comes out of the closet tonight, if you will." Johnson responds with complete game, utter bewilderment.
17. Texas Rangers (10-11; Previous: 12) – MLB officials decide if they can't sell Rangers soon, they'll rent them for a while and wait for the market to come back.
18. Arizona Diamondbacks (10-11; Previous: 15) – D'backs void contract of minor leaguer Socrates Brito after drug suspension, don't buy Socrates' defense, "I know that I know nothing."
19. Cincinnati Reds (10-11; Previous: 14) – Reds hire Joe Morgan as special advisor, will rout all questions through Jon Miller.
21. Atlanta Braves (8-13; Previous: 9) – Heyward endures first slump, swooning fans come down with nasty case of vapors.
22. Chicago Cubs (10-12; Previous: 20) – Piniella snaps at reporter, "What kind of baseball do you play?" Team marketing department immediately gets to work on next year's billboards.
23. Los Angeles Dodgers (8-13; Previous: 17) – Colletti slams Kemp, Stewart slams Colletti, Frank McCourt concedes, "Colletti, Kemp and Stewart have been fantastic for me!"
25. Cleveland Indians (9-12; Previous: 28) – Study claims Indians most hated team in America, also has them eighth in best-dressed and 14th in sexiest Tribe alive.
26. Chicago White Sox (8-13; Previous: 19) – Sox lose five of six to Indians, really, really hate them, too. Get the sexy thing, though.
27. Houston Astros (8-12; Previous: 30) – Astros respond to last-place ranking by winning eight of next 10, think man behind rankings just possibly might have head up his Yahoo!
28. Kansas City Royals (8-13; Previous: 25) – Greinke, winless in five starts despite 2.56 ERA, is pretty sure FIP has something to do with this.
29. Pittsburgh Pirates (9-12; Previous: 23) – Bucs lose by 20 and 14 in five-day span, but believe they solidified pass rush and run defense with great draft.
30. Baltimore Orioles (4-17; Previous: 29) – Angelos breaks down, hires Ripken. During next homestand, Iron Man to work tongs at Boog Powell's rib joint.