Well, I sure hope the Cleveland Indians enjoyed their stay at No. 1. We also have a new No. 30. Hint: Rhymes with "drubs."
(Records through Wednesday's games.)
1. Philadelphia Phillies (37-25; Previous: 2) – Plaxico Burress leaves prison wearing retro Phillies cap, hands it to a passing Lenny Dykstra at guard gate.
3. St. Louis Cardinals (37-26; Previous: 4) – Not that the Cards are pessimistic about the coming offseason or anything, but in this week's draft they selected 28 first basemen.
4. New York Yankees (33-26; Previous: 6) – Yanks felt Red Sox breath on their necks. Knew it was them because it smelled a little chowdery, a little Salty.
5. Milwaukee Brewers (35-27; Previous: 10) – Brewers win their 1,000th National League game. Get there just ahead of Cubs.
6. Cleveland Indians (34-26; Previous: 1) – Indians put new twist on throwback games – wear uniform of 2011, play like it's 1991.
7. San Francisco Giants (35-27; Previous: 7) – Team issues sorry rationalization on behalf of Sabean, not to be confused with apology, heartfelt apology, begrudging apology, hollow apology or non-apology apology.
8. Atlanta Braves (34-28; Previous: 8) – McCann passes Posey in All-Star voting, braces for Sabean dress-down.
9. Texas Rangers (35-28; Previous: 11) – Rangers reportedly one of nine teams in violation of debt rule, have done great job of fighting off creditors with claws, antlers.
10. Detroit Tigers (33-28; Previous: 14) – Cranky Leyland yells at kids to get off his lawn, later told those were the Twins taking batting practice.
11. Tampa Bay Rays (33-29; Previous: 9) – Midway through Monday night, draft-happy Rays lose equilibrium, choose "either Canseco brother" with 11th pick, "that guy in the blue uniform we saw last week" with 12th.
12. Arizona Diamondbacks (33-29; Previous: 17) – Pundits say D'backs have best draft in majors, course that's only when stadium roof is open.
13. Florida Marlins (31-29; Previous: 3) – After accepting phone call, Cousins secretly pictures Sabean in catcher's gear.
15. Seattle Mariners (32-30; Previous: 18) – M's win six consecutive series for first time in a decade, a six-pack that, at Figgins prices, would cost only $11.22.
16. Cincinnati Reds (32-31; Previous: 13) – The Reds endeavor to keep the toothpicks in Dusty's mouth and quit building pitching staffs out of them.
17. Chicago White Sox (30-34; Previous: 21) – Guillen argues semi-racist Tweet not about "color," says black – you know, technically – is the absence of color, just like White Sox draft is technically absent of, he'd say, "baseball players."
18. Pittsburgh Pirates (30-30; Previous: 23) – Morton adopts look, mechanics, characteristics of Halladay, calls project, "Single White Pitcher."
19. Los Angeles Angels (30-34; Previous: 12) – In preparation for emergency landing at LAX, pilot circles while jettisoning flammable substances: Jet fuel, Rodney, Kazmir.
20. Colorado Rockies (29-32; Previous: 15) – Tracy tries CarGo at leadoff, hopes to get that out out of the way as quickly as possible.
22. New York Mets (29-32; Previous: 24) – Mets won't hold a ceremony celebrating 25th anniversary of '86 team, afraid all the ankle bracelets would disrupt reception of wireless on-field mic.
23. Los Angeles Dodgers (29-34; Previous: 26) – McCourt makes payroll, hopes to get Kemp out of pawn shop by beginning of next homestand.
25. Washington Nationals (27-35; Previous: 27) – Strasburg throwing light bullpen sessions, which witnesses describe as some of the best light bullpen sessions they've ever seen, sort of like the light bullpen sessions Ryan and Clemens used to have, just simply dominant light bullpen sessions. Really special bullpen sessions.
26. Oakland A's (27-36; Previous: 19) – A's DH going so bad American League pitchers now calling him "Welcome Mat-sui."
27. Kansas City Royals (26-36; Previous: 22) – Royals begin negotiations with Bubba Starling's agent, explaining, you know, we were this close, really very close, to drafting Trent Boras here.
28. Houston Astros (24-38; Previous: 29) – Wade, just to be on the safe side, drafts seven more Rodriguezes, in case summer attrition causes him to run low.
29. Minnesota Twins (23-38; Previous: 30) – Nishioka rehab goes pretty well; he left as a second baseman and returns as a shortstop. Another week or two and he'd have come back as Mauer.
30. Chicago Cubs (24-36; Previous: 25) – So, eventually Hendry and Quade probably get fired, and you get the feeling it'll be the equivalent of planting a fern in your backyard in order to stem global warming.