New York Yankees lose CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte within hours, consider building single pitcher with parts from both.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
1. Texas Rangers (47-29; Previous: 4) – It's been so hot in Texas, Nolan Ryan has appeared slightly uncomfortable. I said "slightly."
2. New York Yankees (46-28; Previous: 3) – "Little Jerry Seinfeld" alarmed to discover Joe Girardi's binder is actually a cookbook.
3. Los Angeles Angels (42-33; Previous: 10) – Mike Trout hats become rage at Angel Stadium, draw hundreds of feral cats.
4. Washington Nationals (43-30; Previous: 1) – Nats need to consider what shutting down Stephen Strasburg at 160 innings will do to their offense.
5. San Francisco Giants (43-33; Previous: 6) – Undercover police officers posed as Dodger fans at AT&T Park, but blew their cover when spotted in their seats for first pitch.
6. Los Angeles Dodgers (43-33; Previous: 2) – Dodgers blow 7½-game lead in a month, pretty sure the Red Sox did it with more style.
7. Baltimore Orioles (41-33; Previous: 7) – Orioles' defense only slightly better than Sandusky's.
8. Cincinnati Reds (41-33; Previous: 9) – Aroldis Chapman pulled over and ticketed for what officers termed, "a rolling stopper."
9. Boston Red Sox (40-35; Previous: 19) – Youk goes from Red Sox controversy to presidential campaign issue, happy to be out of public eye for a while.
10. Tampa Bay Rays (40-35; Previous: 5) – In hindsight, Joel Peralta believes pine-tar beard and mustache weren't nearly discreet enough.
11. Atlanta Braves (40-34; Previous: 11) – So he can maintain his current schedule, Chipper Jones considers post-baseball career in politics.
12. Chicago White Sox (40-35; Previous: 8) – White Sox fan Obama loves Kevin Youkilis, both hoping to improve against righties.
13. Pittsburgh Pirates (39-35; Previous: 12) – Pirates understand reluctance to believe they are for real, only wish people would quit poking at them in public places.
14. St. Louis Cardinals (40-36; Previous: 17) – Mike Matheny should have known better than to call in double-switch from Texas Rangers bullpen phone.
15. New York Mets (40-36; Previous: 14) – Man named Byrdak put in charge of mascot acquisition, buys chicken. Damn good thing they didn't go to R.A. Dickey first.
16. Arizona Diamondbacks (37-37; Previous: 18) – Miguel Montero claims D-backs hitters are "raking machines," which makes the groundskeeper very nervous.
17. Toronto Blue Jays (38-37; Previous: 16) – Jays sign Jamie Moyer, who, with the exchange rate, is now closer to 41.
18. Cleveland Indians (37-37; Previous: 13) – Indians get raw deal in New York on less-than-generous call by third-base umpire Peter Minuit.
19. Oakland Athletics (37-39; Previous: 23) – In lieu of new ballpark study, A's conduct environmental impact report on clubhouse hamper, just to stay in practice.
20. Detroit Tigers (36-39; Previous: 20) – Tigers add Harrah to big-league staff, want him to know hitters backward and forward.
21. Philadelphia Phillies (36-41; Previous: 21) – Noam Chomsky, Kevin Bacon, Bill Cosby, Louisa May Alcott, Alexander Haig, the Dead Milkmen, The Mayflower Madam, Cliff Lee: Famous Philadelphians who this season haven't won a game for the Phillies.
22. Miami Marlins (35-40; Previous: 14) – Marlins so bad the aquarium fish are ashamed to come out from behind little toy pirate ships.
23. Kansas City Royals (34-39; Previous: 27) – Manager Ned Yost, asked why the offense has come around, responds, that's the "$64-million question." The Royals' payroll? Yeah, $64 million.
24. Milwaukee Brewers (34-41; Previous: 22) – Things so rough in Milwaukee, Bernie Brewer now registers at hotels under name "Mr. Met."
25. Seattle Mariners (32-45; Previous: 25) – Felix Hernandez only a few losses from serious Cy Young contention.
26. Houston Astros (32-43; Previous: 26) – Astros consider removing train from ballpark. The caboose will stay for sentimental reasons.
27. Minnesota Twins (30-44; Previous: 24) – Reports from team golf outing say rookie Scott Diamond did not hit a single fairway.
28. Colorado Rockies (28-46; Previous: 28) – Rockies, on why they'd go with a four-man rotation: because three would be just silly.
29. San Diego Padres (27-49; Previous: 30) – Anthony Rizzo, grinning, on being the Cubs' savior: "I was the savior last year, too."
29. Chicago Cubs (26-49; Previous: 29) – Theo learning that Chicagoans believe patience and a long-term plan is a good idea. Right up until the third beer.
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