The Texas Rangers allowed 31 runs in two games to the Seattle Mariners, which is like being beaten in chess by your cat. On the bright side, they're still No. 1 in the latest rankings. And, apparently, they have a very bright cat.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
Texas Rangers (31-20; Previous: 1) – Derek Holland shaves mustache, bringing expected response from fans: "You had a mustache
Los Angeles Dodgers (32-18; Previous: 4) – Frank McCourt might be in trouble with feds for past financial practices, a frightening ordeal in many families, Wednesday in the McCourt's.
Washington Nationals (29-21; Previous: 5) – As Bryce Harper home run trots are fastest in big leagues, Nats consider suiting him up as Teddy.
Tampa Bay Rays (29-22; Previous: 2) – Rays would throw at guys who bad-mouthed their stadium too, except then their games might never end.
Miami Marlins (29-22; Previous: 10) – Rain cancels batting practice in Miami. Like everyone else, grounds crew assumed roof caved in sometime in April.
Chicago White Sox (29-22; Previous: 21) – Bob Saget sings national anthem before game. Loved the big finish: "The Aristocrats!"
Cincinnati Reds (28-22; Previous: 13) – Aroldis Chapman tells police officer, Hell, that's not even changeup speed.
Baltimore Orioles (29-22; Previous: 3) – Injuries, relentless schedule, inconsistent pitching lead to Orioles' slide. That, and that fact they're the Orioles.
New York Mets (28-23; Previous: 11) – Sandy Alderson on Mets' lineup: "The bus from [Triple-A] Buffalo arrived today, as it normally does. So we're all set." Sadly, bats left in Toledo.
Cleveland Indians (27-23; Previous: 9) – Chris Perez takes out fans in Cleveland and
Oakland: "Oakland is out-drawing us. That's embarrassing." Explanation: The double play is a pitcher's best friend.
San Francisco Giants (27-24; Previous: 16) – Barry Bonds visits clubhouse, can't get over how much bigger the place seems.
New York Yankees (27-23; Previous: 8) – Umpire Laz Diaz tells Russell Martin he'll have to "earn" right to throw ball to pitcher. Martin within rights to have Diaz "earn" fastball to groin.
St. Louis Cardinals (27-24; Previous: 7) – Cardinals fans love them some Matt Adams, who might go ahead and let them call him "El Hombre."
Atlanta Braves (28-24; Previous: 6) – Braves greet Freddie Freeman home run with "four-eyes salute" in dugout, which would have been funny if Freeman hadn't run into wrong dugout.
Los Angeles Angels (26-26; Previous: 19) – After all the early losses, tired and irritable Rally Monkey wonders if Angels really "get" him.
Toronto Blue Jays (27-24; Previous: 12) – Jays' hitters again accused of stealing signs, by yet another pitcher throwing hanging breaking balls.
Boston Red Sox (26-24; Previous: 17) – Bobby Valentine invokes "ghosts of Fenway," who should have plenty of energy after taking most of last century off.
Philadelphia Phillies (27-25; Previous: 15) – Roy Halladay goes to Mets team doctor for second opinion, which is same as the first, only coarser.
Detroit Tigers (23-27; Previous: 14) – Young Tigers fans now can dine on Justin Verlander's Fastball Flakes, the breakfast of near champions.
Pittsburgh Pirates (25-25; Previous: 20) – All-time observation from Clint Hurdle regarding the Aroldis Chapman situation at Pittsburgh hotel: "You need to know who is in your posse if you have one."
Arizona Diamondbacks (23-28; Previous: 22) – Ryan Roberts tattoo sleeves giveaway at ballpark turns out to be much more popular than alternative, which was Kirk Gibson ear hair giveaway.
Houston Astros (22-28; Previous: 26) – Astros to change uniforms, divisions, leagues. Apparently, they have a stalker.
Oakland Athletics (22-29; Previous: 18) – A's batting .210 as a team, which means Manny Ramirez (.222 in Triple-A), you know, might actually help.
Milwaukee Brewers (22-28; Previous: 23) – Dodger Stadium fans return ball Ryan Braun flips into stands, refer chain-of-custody questions to attorneys.
Seattle Mariners (23-30; Previous: 28) – Amazing similarity between Safeco Field's roof and Ichiro's sideburns: Both mostly overhang.
Kansas City Royals (21-28; Previous: 24) – George Brett locates missing dog with #FindCharlie Tweets. Royals immediately mount #FindHosmer campaign.
Colorado Rockies (20-29; Previous: 25) – Jamie Moyer considers career after Rockies, signs with Mo's Silver Devils of Westside Bocce League.
Minnesota Twins (18-32; Previous: 30) – Twins sweep A's, immediately get to work on season's highlight video.
Chicago Cubs (18-32; Previous: 27) – Investigative reporters uncover secret Tom Ricketts plan to oust Chris Volstad from starting rotation. It's not pretty.
San Diego Padres (17-35; Previous: 29) – Phil Mickelson joins bid to purchase Padres, though club already has a pretty good come-up-short game.
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