The Texas Rangers allowed 31 runs in two games to the Seattle Mariners, which is like being beaten in chess by your cat. On the bright side, they're still No. 1 in the latest rankings. And, apparently, they have a very bright cat.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
1. Texas Rangers (31-20; Previous: 1) – Derek Holland shaves mustache, bringing expected response from fans: "You had a mustache?"
2. Los Angeles Dodgers (32-18; Previous: 4) – Frank McCourt might be in trouble with feds for past financial practices, a frightening ordeal in many families, Wednesday in the McCourt's.
3. Washington Nationals (29-21; Previous: 5) – As Bryce Harper home run trots are fastest in big leagues, Nats consider suiting him up as Teddy.
4. Tampa Bay Rays (29-22; Previous: 2) – Rays would throw at guys who bad-mouthed their stadium too, except then their games might never end.
5. Miami Marlins (29-22; Previous: 10) – Rain cancels batting practice in Miami. Like everyone else, grounds crew assumed roof caved in sometime in April.
6. Chicago White Sox (29-22; Previous: 21) – Bob Saget sings national anthem before game. Loved the big finish: "The Aristocrats!"
7. Cincinnati Reds (28-22; Previous: 13) – Aroldis Chapman tells police officer, Hell, that's not even changeup speed.
8. Baltimore Orioles (29-22; Previous: 3) – Injuries, relentless schedule, inconsistent pitching lead to Orioles' slide. That, and that fact they're the Orioles.
9. New York Mets (28-23; Previous: 11) – Sandy Alderson on Mets' lineup: "The bus from [Triple-A] Buffalo arrived today, as it normally does. So we're all set." Sadly, bats left in Toledo.
10. Cleveland Indians (27-23; Previous: 9) – Chris Perez takes out fans in Cleveland and Oakland: "Oakland is out-drawing us. That's embarrassing." Explanation: The double play is a pitcher's best friend.
11. San Francisco Giants (27-24; Previous: 16) – Barry Bonds visits clubhouse, can't get over how much bigger the place seems.
12. New York Yankees (27-23; Previous: 8) – Umpire Laz Diaz tells Russell Martin he'll have to "earn" right to throw ball to pitcher. Martin within rights to have Diaz "earn" fastball to groin.
13. St. Louis Cardinals (27-24; Previous: 7) – Cardinals fans love them some Matt Adams, who might go ahead and let them call him "El Hombre."
14. Atlanta Braves (28-24; Previous: 6) – Braves greet Freddie Freeman home run with "four-eyes salute" in dugout, which would have been funny if Freeman hadn't run into wrong dugout.
15. Los Angeles Angels (26-26; Previous: 19) – After all the early losses, tired and irritable Rally Monkey wonders if Angels really "get" him.
16. Toronto Blue Jays (27-24; Previous: 12) – Jays' hitters again accused of stealing signs, by yet another pitcher throwing hanging breaking balls.
17. Boston Red Sox (26-24; Previous: 17) – Bobby Valentine invokes "ghosts of Fenway," who should have plenty of energy after taking most of last century off.
18. Philadelphia Phillies (27-25; Previous: 15) – Roy Halladay goes to Mets team doctor for second opinion, which is same as the first, only coarser.
19. Detroit Tigers (23-27; Previous: 14) – Young Tigers fans now can dine on Justin Verlander's Fastball Flakes, the breakfast of near champions.
20. Pittsburgh Pirates (25-25; Previous: 20) – All-time observation from Clint Hurdle regarding the Aroldis Chapman situation at Pittsburgh hotel: "You need to know who is in your posse if you have one."
21. Arizona Diamondbacks (23-28; Previous: 22) – Ryan Roberts tattoo sleeves giveaway at ballpark turns out to be much more popular than alternative, which was Kirk Gibson ear hair giveaway.
22. Houston Astros (22-28; Previous: 26) – Astros to change uniforms, divisions, leagues. Apparently, they have a stalker.
23. Oakland Athletics (22-29; Previous: 18) – A's batting .210 as a team, which means Manny Ramirez (.222 in Triple-A), you know, might actually help.
24. Milwaukee Brewers (22-28; Previous: 23) – Dodger Stadium fans return ball Ryan Braun flips into stands, refer chain-of-custody questions to attorneys.
25. Seattle Mariners (23-30; Previous: 28) – Amazing similarity between Safeco Field's roof and Ichiro's sideburns: Both mostly overhang.
26. Kansas City Royals (21-28; Previous: 24) – George Brett locates missing dog with #FindCharlie Tweets. Royals immediately mount #FindHosmer campaign.
27. Colorado Rockies (20-29; Previous: 25) – Jamie Moyer considers career after Rockies, signs with Mo's Silver Devils of Westside Bocce League.
28. Minnesota Twins (18-32; Previous: 30) – Twins sweep A's, immediately get to work on season's highlight video.
29. Chicago Cubs (18-32; Previous: 27) – Investigative reporters uncover secret Tom Ricketts plan to oust Chris Volstad from starting rotation. It's not pretty.
30. San Diego Padres (17-35; Previous: 29) – Phil Mickelson joins bid to purchase Padres, though club already has a pretty good come-up-short game.
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