Since brevity is a word that doesn't exist in the Noise's vocabulary, your comments, questions and vitriolic derision will run separately from Thursday's flames/lames column from this point forward. Bring the noise, fools!
Brad, I'm a long-time fan of your gutsy, anti-establishment, no-holds-barred fantasy forecasting, as well as your highly literary work in columns and webcasts, but your "dhoti" reference in today's Noise puts you over the top in my book. Right on, and shout outs to the Motherland. – Ghanshyam, Dallas
Noise: Ghanshyam, as a former high school social studies teacher, the Noise takes great pride in portraying different cultures accurately whenever possible. Plus, I'm aiming for a future career in Bollywood. A melodramatic love story starring the Noise and the insanely gorgeous Aishwarya Rai would certainly rake in the rupees.
No question. Just a big shout out to Brad, who is the man. You convinced me to pick up LenDale "the Whale" White in Week 7, and all he did for me was help me set a new league record for points scored in a game. Beautiful pick, and I can honestly say I wouldn't have picked him up if it wasn't for Brad. I look forward to this week's picks because most of my starters are on byes.– Ted, Winnipeg, Manitoba
Just wanted to say great job on the eerily accurate predictions from the Noise this week. Edwards, White, Berrian all answered the call. D. Williams was a TD and couple receptions away. And Derrick Mason finished within one yard of his predicted total. Borderline creepy if you ask me. Take it easy. – Ian, Fallston, Md.
Noise: Yes, the often reclusive Noisestradomus made a very rare appearance last week. Going a combined 10-2 in flames/lames predictions, the Noise will likely never again reach that level of success. Count on a bevy of hate mails displayed in this space next week.
The Little Napoleon, not Jonathan Stewart, has led the fantasy ground charge in Charlotte
Noise: Paul, you do realize that calling the Van Dyke a "facial monstrosity" is not only offensive to the Noise, but also to rogue pirate communities, the ancestors of conquistadors and totally crunk fans of Outkast. The Noise modeled his lip/chin combination after legendary Dyke fashioner Andre 3000. Hootie Hoo!!!
Paul, the only thing that's skewed is your fantasy judgment of D-Will. It's well known the Noise would love to be the Little Napoleon's Josephine. His versatility and darting speed are arousing. But his contributions to the virtual gridiron are underappreciated.
With the putridness (Good to see you possess an innate ability to use words that don't exist in the English language) line the lone exception, your lengthy explanation was well written and thought out. Your assessments that Williams is generally a hit-or-miss type of player and the Saints defense have proved staunch against the run in recent weeks are accurate. Where you dropped the ball was your prediction the Saints would put up "plenty of points." Carolina is a sleeping defensive giant. Jon Fox's group of uber-athletic linebackers led by Jon Beason has done a tremendous job stuffing the run. Because New Orleans had little movement in the trenches, the Panthers were able to frustrate and contain Brees with a variety of zones packages. Including last week's Saints shutdown, Carolina has yielded just five TD passes and 179.2 YPG to QBs this season, equal to the second-fewest fantasy points allowed. The Panthers deserve respect, especially when playing at home.
As for heart-pumper DeAngelo, he's shown incredible resiliency. Everyone forecasted Jonathan Stewart would be a superstar by now, but Fox's commitment to an even timeshare combined with Williams' effectiveness has sustained his fantasy value. Because of his 27th ranked 10.3 FPPG average among RBs, he's unquestionably a matchup-only back. But it's highly probably he'll be a key reason why his owners will advance deep into the fantasy playoffs. Carolina is slated to face the Denver My Little Ponies in Week 15.
I understand that you do not like people insulting your picks after the week instead of before, so here is where you are wrong this week. Williams does not score against the Saints, and gets 17 carries for 61 yards, by no means a flame. LenDale White will ride the bench as Chris Johnson goes crazy: eight carries, 21 yards. The day Derrick Mason gets a TD will be the day Billy Butler hits .300, Derek Anderson is just getting started, no lame there. Gore? How can you make Gore a lame? The Giants can't stop him. T.O is a good pick, but I'm still feeling a TD there, so not a lame. The only good pick that wasn't obvious you made was Dunn, who will tear up a weak Seattle run D. – Steve, Boulder, Col.
Noise: Apparently, Steve's stellar prognostication skills just boosted Billy Butler's draft position for the 2009 baseball season – all the more reason to strap a saddle on the Big Donkey.
For the sake of entertainment, let's compare the Noise's and Master Yoda's Week 7 prognostications:
DeAngelo Williams vs. NO
Noise Forecast: 17 carries, 74 rushing yards, 3 receptions, 19 receiving yards, 1 TD
Steve's: 17 carries, 61 yards, 0 touchdowns
Actual: 18 carrries, 66 rushing yards, 1 reception, 4 receiving yards, 1 TD
LenDale White at KC
Noise Forecast: 15 carries, 66 rushing yards, 1 reception, 8 receiving yards, 2 TDs
Steve's: 8 carries, 21 yards, 0 touchdowns
Actual: 17 carries, 149 rushing yards, 1 reception, 7 receiving yards, 3 TDs, collapsed lung.
Derrick Mason at Mia
Noise Forecast: 8 receptions, 86 receiving yards, 1 TD
Steve's: 0 touchdowns
Actual: 6 receptions, 87 receiving yards, 1 TD
Derek Anderson at Was
Noise Forecast: 19-31, 211 passing yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs
Steve's: "He's just getting started. No lame."
Actual: 14-37, 136 passing yards, 1 TD. He should've slammed a Five-Hour Energy with Braylon Edwards before the game.
Frank Gore at NYG
Noise Forecast: 17 carries, 66 rushing yards, 4 receptions, 21 receiving yards, 0 TDs
Steve's: (shouting) Gore? How can you make Gore a lame? (smashes empty Captain Morgan bottle against wall)
Actual: 11 carries, 11 yards, 3 receptions, 50 receiving yards, 0 TDs
Terrell Owens at StL
Noise Forecast: 5 receptions, 51 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns
Steve's: "Good Pick, but still feeling a TD"
Actual: 2 receptions, 31 receiving yards, 0 TDs, numerous sideline temper tantrums.
Warrick Dunn vs. Sea
Noise Forecast: 15 carries, 76 rushing yards, 3 receptions, 22 receiving yards, 1 TD
Steve's: "will tear up a weak Seattle D"
Actual: 13 carries, 37 rushing yards, 4 receptions, 21 receiving yards, 0 TDs, pinched nerve.
Final Tally: Noise: 6-1, The Great Soothsayer Steve: 0-7
If this game was practiced in Vegas, Steve would've been playing dollar blackjack at the luxurious Casino Royale by kickoff of the second games. Seriously, Sin City sports books should hire this guy to dial down the temperature of betting whales.
I love (and, if by "love", you realize that I mean "laugh at") how you avoid the L for Reggie Brown (Week 6) by posting the DNP. For the purposes of your Noise column, this should be a loss, as the average "club player," having a life outside of fantasy football, doesn't get to pick up the last minute information. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that somewhere in your own little world you could have said it was a "W" because if he WOULD have played, he'd have been spectacular. There are no bragging rights for tainted statistics. Unless, of course, Hochuli is your ref. And I don't see his payroll on the Yahoo! balance sheets. – Jon, Oshkosh, Wisc.
Noise: Jon, your arteries must be clogged with processed meats and cheddar, because you're not receiving enough oxygen flow to your heart and thus your brain.
Two weeks ago, the Noise forecasted a sizable game for Reggie Brown. Unfortunately, a groin injury forced him to the sidelines. To say that not counting his performance as a loss "taints" the statistics is pure lunacy. True fantasy players, who hopefully have lives outside of virtual sports, probably noticed the bright red "O" next to Brown's name on their roster page. Or are they blind like your senseless argument?
Ya know Jon may have stumbled onto something. Maybe Yahoo! could offer a fantasy robo-call service. As we've seen with politicians and monster movie marketers, it's a highly effective way of
scaring the bejesus out of people getting the word out. Just imagine the phone rings and on the other line a loud, obnoxious voice says "I love me some…" or "Player X won't be man-crush material this week." Oh the possibilities …
Several Scottish kilts lost their lives for Prime Time's plaid sleeveless suit
Noise: And the Noise would love to possess their bling and overbearing egos. Maybe for this week's "Fantasy Football Live" episode I'll quote rhyming gems from Deion's 1995 "Must be the Money" masterpiece. It's criminal he was denied a Grammy nomination. The lyrics are truly inspirational:
Diamond Rolex, with 'gators (Crocs?) on my feet
I got two pair for every day of the week
My hair is done, my fingernails too
Six buttons down and I don't know what to do
Flashing lights on the dance floor
The DJ says my name as I make my intro (and you know)
The place is packed, nowhere to find a seat
But Prime don't worry 'cause I'm sensin' VIP
And who could forget this memorable treasure:
Hey, my library cards gonna change into credit cards
You know what I'm sayin'?
So don't let money change you
Deion probably should've used those library cards. Shaquille O'Neal, sadly the Nas of athlete rappers, he is not.
Brad, you've got to stop using the word "diminutive." Seriously. I think you're doing a great job, and the first few times you used it, I thought, "That's a clever way of saying he's a small running back." But come on. You use it every week. It makes me want to pull my eyebrows out every time I read it. Maybe you can try something like, "teeny weeny" or "itsy bitsy" or "cute as a button," or maybe even "knee high to a tall Indian." The point is, it's got to stop. Or at least mix it up, using it only once every 2 or 3 weeks. Keep up the good work. Keep up the beard, even if you beat Funston. Long live Chuck Norris! – Adam, Shaker Heights, Ohio
Noise: Kids this is what happens when one listens to Deion Sanders hip-hop classics on repeat. A detox session featuring Norris roundhouse head kicks followed by extensive Chaucer readings should help expand my limited vocabulary.