On the home runs in Toronto, Zubaz in public and pink flamingos in Miami:
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. San Francisco Giants
(38-21; Previous: 3) – Giants pleased to be No. 1. Think A’s at 2, however, could violate territorial rights.
2. Oakland Athletics
(37-22; Previous: 1) – “Careless Whisper” makes Coliseum feel young and pretty.
3. Toronto Blue Jays
(36-24; Previous: 13) – From the Twitter account of @RealBanny (former big-league pitcher Brian Bannister): “The ball just flies farther in Canada because of its high latitude.”
4. Milwaukee Brewers
(35-25; Previous: 4) – Ryan Braun
receives significant All-Star votes, proves Bud Selig lacks manpower to defend every ballot box.
5. Detroit Tigers
(31-24; Previous: 2) – You know, there’s a really fine line between Tiger-striped Zubaz and bunny-footed jammies.
6. Los Angeles Angels
(31-27; Previous: 7) – It should be noted that All-Star votes are only a minor consideration in WAR calculations.
7. Atlanta Braves
(31-27; Previous: 6) – Braves complete sweep at Marlins Park when El Oso Blanco home run hits El Rosado Flamenco.
8. Miami Marlins
(31-28; Previous: 14) – Marlins wives beat Rays wives in softball game. Offered Mike Redmond: “We had a couple of our key contributors out due to pregnancy, but we battled.” Rays wives: We’ll get 'em next trimester.
9. Baltimore Orioles
(30-27; Previous: 12) – Bud Norris
would like David Price
’s dog more if it weren’t named Astro.
10. St. Louis Cardinals
(31-29; Previous: 8) – Oscar Taveras homers in second at-bat, receives red sport coat while rounding third.
11. Seattle Mariners
(31-28; Previous: 15) – Hot Mariners breathing down Angels’ necks, which the Angels find a little awkward.
12. Los Angeles Dodgers
(31-30; Previous: 10) – New Dodger Stadium diversion: Can Yasiel Puig get to second base before bat lands?
13. Washington Nationals
(29-28; Previous: 11) – Nats try to gently break news of position change, tell Ryan Zimmerman
it’s just a really severe shift.
14. New York Yankees
(29-29; Previous: 9) – Chase Whitley
and Preston Claiborne seriously considering breaking off and opening their own private equity firm.
15. Chicago White Sox
(31-30; Previous: 18) – If Chris Sale were a nesting doll, he’d fit just inside Randy Johnson.
16. Cleveland Indians
(30-30; Previous: 21) – Johnny Manziel
visits, is told he’ll have to compete for ceremonial first-pitch job.
17. Minnesota Twins
(28-29; Previous: 16) – Phil Hughes’ problem as a Yankee all those years: not enough games against the Yankees.
18. Texas Rangers
(29-30; Previous: 19) – Rougned Odor getting tired of hearing, every time he gets an infield single, “He smelled a hit there.”
19. Cincinnati Reds
(27-30; Previous: 17) – They don’t want to get all maudlin over this, but Reds really, really miss the Astros.
20. Colorado Rockies
(28-30; Previous: 5) – Of course everybody gets along in Colorado clubhouse; everybody knows there’s less friction there.
21. Kansas City Royals
(28-31; Previous: 20) – Royals change hitting coaches because, oh, hell, who cares anymore?
22. Boston Red Sox
(27-32; Previous: 22) – David Ortiz
is not bigger than the game. But his diamond earrings are close.
23. New York Mets
(28-31; Previous: 26) – Maybe the Mets and Royals shoulda just swapped hitting coaches.
24. Pittsburgh Pirates
(28-31; Previous: 27) – Pirates walk nine Padres in one game, which is the equivalent of arming a kitten with a flamethrower.
25. San Diego Padres
(27-33; Previous: 25) – Padres are totally diggin’ the flamethrower.
Houston Astros (25-35; Previous: 30) – All happened in May: Astros win seven in a row and have a winning month, and Devil lands double salchow.
27. Arizona Diamondbacks
(25-36; Previous: 28) – D'backs have a winning May. Eleven more months like it and they’ll be back to .500.
28. Philadelphia Phillies
(24-33; Previous: 23) – In preparation for draft, Phillies make list of players who will not be represented by advisors this year. Filled a whole Post-it.
29. Tampa Bay Rays
(23-37; Previous: 24) – Rays so lousy, David Price is running out of names for the losses.
30. Chicago Cubs
(22-34; Previous: 29) – RIP Don Zimmer, who, among all his wonderful attributes, had a winning record and won a division title as Cubs manager.
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