On Visigoths in Boston, the best and worst of Meatloaf, A-Rod’s next legal move, and Astros’ elimination.
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. Los Angeles Dodgers (83-56; Previous: 2) – Next time Diana Nyad wants to go from Cuba to Florida, Yasiel Puig knows a guy.
2. Atlanta Braves (85-54; Previous: 1) – Washington so far back, looks from Braves’ perspective more like Gnat-itude.
3. Boston Red Sox (84-57; Previous: 7) – Team photos say different things about different clubs. Bearded Red Sox’s says: “What’s in your wallet?”
4. Pittsburgh Pirates (81-58; Previous: 4) – Uncomfortable moment when Parrott comes out of team meeting repeating all the new signs.
5. Detroit Tigers (81-59; Previous: 3) – On Motown Night at ballpark, Leyland meets Michael Jackson impersonator, does moonwalk. Club officials ask Supremes to hide for a few minutes.
6. Oakland Athletics (80-59; Previous: 9) – Sogard leads nerd movement in Oakland, which he finds very nice, but is tired of doing Reddick’s homework for him.
7. Texas Rangers (80-59; Previous: 5) – If they make playoffs, Rangers expect to activate Cruz. If not, they’ll continue to be gravely disappointed in him.
8. St. Louis Cardinals (80-59; Previous: 8) – Wainwright the best thing to happen to Cincinnati since mayor Jerry Springer.
9. Tampa Bay Rays (77-61; Previous: 6) – Maddon calls one win in three-game series “a little reverse Meatloaf,” who, of course, touted two out of three. Either that, or previous night’s dinner wasn’t sitting very well.
10. Cincinnati Reds (78-62; Previous: 10) – Phillips defends on-base percentage by pointing out other man’s weight issues. He ain't heavy, he’s my cover.
11. New York Yankees (75-64; Previous: 13) – A-Rod fires attorney, hires Johnny Manziel’s.
12. Cleveland Indians (74-65; Previous: 11) – Management can’t quite explain the feeling, but starting to sense it’s been way too long since it traded a Cy Young Award winner.
13. Baltimore Orioles (73-65; Previous: 12) – Local ice cream parlor introduces new flavor for O’s slugger: Crunch Davis. It should be noted that Davis only recognizes flavor record of 31.
14. Kansas City Royals (72-67; Previous: 15) – GM Moore says Royals are actually ahead of rebuilding plan. So, pretty good news there.
15. Washington Nationals (71-68; Previous: 16) – Boras floats merits of 12-year deal for Harper. Nats look into possible term limits exemption.
16. Arizona Diamondbacks (70-68; Previous: 14) – Cody Ross, coming off hip surgery, names his fantasy football team, The ChampionsHip. Then drafts I.M. BumHipp.
17. Colorado Rockies (66-75; Previous: 18) – Rockies aren’t so good on road, for next year consider traveling with own pillows and snuggies.
18. Toronto Blue Jays (64-76; Previous: 22) – Team announces Bautista to be shut down for season. Also that team will be shut down for season.
19. Los Angeles Angels (64-74; Previous: 26) – Entrepreneur Moreno had a choice: Build a business that stood in place while the world passed it by. Or keep selling billboard space.
20. Philadelphia Phillies (63-77; Previous: 24) – Turns out Dom Brown’s Achilles’ heel is his … Achilles’ heel.
21. San Diego Padres (62-77; Previous: 21) – If the Dodgers can keep winning with Volquez, then the Padres will be impressed.
22. New York Mets (63-75; Previous: 17) – Nearly out of ideas, Matsuzaka pledges less nibbling, more twerking.
23. Minnesota Twins (61-77; Previous: 23) – Morneau leaves void in clubhouse. It’s OK though; he left a forwarding address.
24. San Francisco Giants (62-77; Previous: 20) – Giants insist it’s not World Series hangover, just a little dehydration.
25. Seattle Mariners (63-76; Previous: 19) – Eric Byrnes says he knows of a Hall of Famer who used steroids. Mariners off the hook.
26. Milwaukee Brewers (60-79; Previous: 25) – Gomez sixth in WAR. Waiting on Congressional confirmation.
27. Chicago Cubs (59-80; Previous: 27) – Two arrested for breaking into Wrigley Field. Very strange story, as more often Cubs fans endeavor to break out of Wrigley Field.
28. Chicago White Sox (56-82; Previous: 28) – Just to be prudent, Sox look into group-rate retirement party supplies.
29. Miami Marlins (52-86; Previous: 29) – Redmond dons Waffle House T-shirt, team gets pancaked again.
30. Houston Astros (46-93; Previous: 30) – Astros have been officially eliminated from postseason contention. Through 2015.