On Amelia’s plane, blowfish, stray sunflower seeds, the Padres’ draft strategies and the cost of flopping.
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. St. Louis Cardinals (38-21; Previous: 1) – New Cards pitcher apparently has become a favorite with young people in St. Louis. In every arcade, all you ever hear is, “Wacha, Wacha, Wacha.”
2. Atlanta Braves (37-22; Previous: 3) – Beside Amelia Earhart’s plane at bottom of South Pacific, researchers believe they’ve discovered remains of B.J. Upton’s swing.
3. Texas Rangers (36-22; Previous: 2) – For great May, Holland credits “taking next step mentally.” Fringe benefit: A lot less wear and tear on shoe soles.
4. Cincinnati Reds (36-24; Previous: 5) – Dusty says Garza and Cueto should be put alone in a room to fight it out. Loser gets magnifying glass treatment.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates (35-25; Previous: 6) – Pirates have adopted clubhouse blowfish, which gets red and puffy when angry. Wait, that’s Clint Hurdle.
6. Boston Red Sox (36-24; Previous: 9) – Bronx thunderstorm was God’s way of letting Pedroia know who puts on the laser shows around here.
7. Oakland Athletics (36-25; Previous: 15) – Josh Reddick is “deeply sorry” for spraying member of Astros Shooting Stars crew with sunflower seeds, and now we officially have too much time on our hands.
8. New York Yankees (34-25; Previous: 4) – Players meet only fan who believes Yanks have the youth and energy to become a championship club. Course, he’s 111.
9. Arizona Diamondbacks (34-25; Previous: 11) – Gibson guides D'backs into first place, now driving them to be firster.
10. Baltimore Orioles (33-26; Previous: 10) – Eutaw Street home run plaque honors Matt “Weiters.” O’s have a catcher named Matt Wieters. Must remember, it’s “I” before “E” except for Wei-Yin Chen.
11. Detroit Tigers (31-26; Previous: 8) – Measuring the greater impact: Miguel Cabrera’s May or Austin Jackson’s may not.
12. Tampa Bay Rays (32-26; Previous: 14) – Rays consider draft bonus pool, wonder if lifeguard is on duty.
13. Cleveland Indians (30-29; Previous: 7) – Indians announce they will reward fans inconvenienced by long rain delays. They may exchange their tickets for a future game or for large trash bags with three holes torn in them.
14. San Francisco Giants (31-28; Previous: 12) – Giants fans miss the glorious, feel-good days of torture.
15. Colorado Rockies (32-28; Previous: 13) – Helton's struggles change homemade ballpark signage: “In Todd if we must.”
16. Washington Nationals (29-30; Previous: 16) – Upon being told Nats’ statistical chances to make postseason had fallen dramatically, Zimmerman responds, “That’s why nerds shouldn’t do that stuff.” Course, he was hard to hear over racket of frantic clubbie trapped in locker.
17. Philadelphia Phillies (30-30; Previous: 18) – Headline: “Phils’ Revere quietly catching fire.” First thought: Beware the hot foot.
18. Minnesota Twins (26-30; Previous: 23) – Twins promote Clete Thomas. Shouldn’t he be related to Spike Owen?
19. San Diego Padres (27-32; Previous: 19) – National authority rates Padres as worst drafting team ever. To be fair, 40 years ago they converted to an All-Volunteer organization.
20. Los Angeles Dodgers (25-33; Previous: 21) – Dodgers remind Puig he does not have to carry the team. But, he’s free to tow it.
21. Chicago White Sox (25-32; Previous: 20) – Reinsdorf, at 77, recognizes he is in fourth quarter of life, but is “playing for triple overtime.” Is pretty sure he’ll get extra timeouts for that.
22. Los Angeles Angels (26-34; Previous: 24) – Angels believe they played “like trash” against the Astros. Trash files slander suit.
23. Toronto Blue Jays (25-34; Previous: 25) – Anthopoulos, a big NBA fan, secretly afraid Blue Jays also will be fined for flopping.
24. Seattle Mariners (26-34; Previous: 26) – Did Sabermetrics kill Dustin Ackley’s career? Authorities dust for VORP prints.
25. Kansas City Royals (24-32; Previous: 17) – Yost says he will not remove belt and spank players. Might, however, go get a switch from third baseman tree.
26. Milwaukee Brewers (22-36; Previous: 22) – In some circles, Tony Bosch’s cooperation with MLB investigation is known as “consulting work.”
27. New York Mets (23-33; Previous: 27) – Harvey reminds many of Seaver. Reds can’t wait for their turn.
28. Chicago Cubs (24-33; Previous: 28) – Jeff Samardzija turns away from national spelling bee, huffs, "My whole life’s been a stinkin’ spelling bee."
29. Houston Astros (22-38; Previous: 29) – Baseball ops weighing first-pick options, dreaming about who by this time next year will be kicking Angels’ butts.
30. Miami Marlins (16-44; Previous: 30) – Tornado has been gone for weeks, yet jumpy Marlins steadfastly refuse to come out of basement.
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