On Bud Selig’s retirement plans, Canseco vs. McGwire and why Jeter would need a lifetime pass to a strip club:
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. Oakland Athletics (66-41; Previous: 1) – In what seems like a reasonable compromise, Bud Selig intends to retire and move to San Jose.
2. Los Angeles Angels (63-43; Previous: 2) – If they ever beat Mets closer Jenrry Mejia, Trout and Pujols have planned an extra cool dance-off.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers (61-47; Previous: 4) – McGwire says he will not forgive Canseco because “sorry” is not enough. As everyone knows, all real apologies go through Bob Costas.
4. Baltimore Orioles (60-46; Previous: 6) – O’s reportedly “active” in trade talks, presumably meaning Duquette takes calls while on Stairmaster.
5. Detroit Tigers (58-46; Previous: 3) – Tigers think the rest of the AL Central is, you know, kinda adorable.
6. Washington Nationals (58-47; Previous: 5) – Werth considers shaving beard for charity. Clippings would go to weaving sweaters for an entire family.
7. Atlanta Braves (58-50; Previous: 7) – Hall of Fame weekend had real southern flavor; came with grits.
8. Milwaukee Brewers (60-49; Previous: 10) – Brewers continue to ride undefeated March in NL Central.
9. St. Louis Cardinals (56-50; Previous: 9) – If the Cubs are so upset about it, the Cards would be happy to trade them their competitive-balance pick.
10. Pittsburgh Pirates (57-50; Previous: 13) – Though hazing strictly forbidden, Bucs give Giants a Worley.
11. San Francisco Giants (58-50; Previous: 8) – Uggla tied for sixth on club in errors committed after three days. That’s sudden impact.
12. Toronto Blue Jays (59-50; Previous: 15) – Jays appear to be running short of money. That’s all right, their money looks kind of funny anyway.
13. New York Yankees (55-52; Previous: 16) – New York strip club offers Jeter lifetime pass. That’s like putting a $10 bill in Warren Buffett’s birthday card.
14. Tampa Bay Rays (53-55; Previous: 18) – Shouldn’t Chris Archer be the one shooting imaginary arrows?
15. Miami Marlins (53-54; Previous: 20) – Marlins win competitive balance lottery, plan to take player in monthly installments.
16. Seattle Mariners (55-52; Previous: 11) – Morales returns, says he’s reconsidered whole qualifying offer thing.
17. Kansas City Royals (54-52; Previous: 14) – Moustakas says baseball is fun again. Dot race big part of it.
18. Cincinnati Reds (53-54; Previous: 12) – Overly affectionate closer now referred to as The Cuban Mistletoe.
19. Cleveland Indians (53-54; Previous: 17) – All things considered, Indians really, really thankful for Redskins.
20. New York Mets (52-56; Previous: 19) – Colon “flirts” with perfection, but the hair wasn’t helping.
21. Chicago White Sox (52-56; Previous: 21) – Be patient, Frank Thomas is getting to your name.
22. Minnesota Twins (48-58; Previous: 22) – Twins cancel Knoblauch ceremony. Also, pledge not to draft Ray Rice in fantasy league.
23. Boston Red Sox (48-60; Previous: 23) – Lester negotiations turned into bucket of chicken. Sorry, that’s game of chicken.
24. San Diego Padres (48-59; Previous: 26) – News: At least a half-dozen turn down request to interview for GM job. Reaction: If Padres owners knew it was such a terrible gig, wouldn’t have fired Byrnes.
25. Philadelphia Phillies (47-61; Previous: 24) – The whole Ryan Howard thing is getting awkward. On the bright side, looks like the Phillies are off the hook on those MVP bonuses.
26. Arizona Diamondbacks (47-61; Previous: 29) – Diamondbacks have been gasping for months and nobody’s bothered to call the Supreme Court.
27. Chicago Cubs (44-62; Previous: 25) – Cubs believe they should be granted competitive balance please-take-Edwin-Jackson-from-us lottery pick. You know, fair’s fair.
28. Colorado Rockies (44-63; Previous: 27) – Owner Monfort writes disgruntled fan, “Maybe Denver doesn’t deserve a franchise.” Later admits maybe he got that backward.
29. Houston Astros (44-64; Previous: 28) – Keuchel thanks heckler for paying his salary. Heckler thanks Keuchel for doing more than his part in federal taxes.
30. Texas Rangers (43-65; Previous: 30) – Darvish prefers six-man rotation. Apparently he hasn’t looked around the Rangers’ clubhouse lately.
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