COMMENTARY | Baseball. A zombie apocalypse. What's not to love?
It sounds like the plot to the SyFy channel's next blockbuster hit, which will fit right in with Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Sharknado, and the inevitable Sharknado sequels in which Tara Reid is revealed to be an actual shark.
If the Los Angeles Dodgers ever found themselves in a Walking Dead scenario -- and some would argue their start to 2013 would qualify as such -- here are the roles I envision some of the players occupying as they fight for survival in a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles:
Kershaw is, of course, the intrepid and venerable leader of our group of surviving Blue Crew members. The best zombie killer on the planet, Kershaw would lead the survivors to safety as he constantly baffled zombies with his mesmerizing 12-6 shotgun blasts.
Though he's clearly the best zombie killer on the planet, he's still underappreciated by the majority of zombies roaming around the remnants of the Baseball Writers' Association of America headquarters, which has become the home base for the zombified masses.
Second in command, A.J. keeps the group entertained with his Zach Galifianakis impersonation and witty back-and-forth banter with Kershaw.
The newest member of the group, Puig kills zombies in a brash and boisterous manner that rubs many former ballplayers who have survived the wrong way. These former players, hidden away in their mothers' basements, will not survive because they're too stubborn and stuck in the past, unwilling to adapt to the new zombie world they find themselves in.
After a couple years of struggling to kill zombies, Hanley finds himself back in the saddle and an expert marksman with his weapon of choice, a baseball bat.
Uribe is the Dodger most likely to be swarmed by a pack of the undead as he looks like the dream meal of every zombie. However, Juan is surprisingly fleet of foot when operating in a corner.
Bait to lure in the female zombies before they're summarily decapitated.
The second-most talented zombie killer on the squad, Kemp has been out of commission and in the background for some time due to a scary collision with a wall of zombies. He was robbed of the Most Valuable Zombie Killer Award in 2011 after some prominent zombies chose a now-deceased zombie killer from the town formerly known as Milwaukee.
The general manager of what were the Los Angeles Dodgers, he's attracted to aging zombies and willing to part with young, talented, and cost-effective Dodgers in order to "rehabilitate" the older walkers. Especially attracted to zombies whose home base is San Francisco.
The former leader of the Dodgers, he lost his job and power when he lost a leg and an arm attempting to bunt ALL of the zombies into submission.
Greg Zakwin is the founder of Plaschke, Thy Sweater Is Argyle, a Dodgers' and sports card blog. He writes with an analytical tilt about The Blue Crew at ChadMoriyama.com. You can find and follow him on Twitter @ArgyledPlaschke. A graduate of UCLA in 2011 with a Bachelor's in History, he's been a follower of the Dodgers since birth and still mourns the loss of both Mike Piazza and Carlos Santana.
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