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Giving thanks to the Jeters, Joyces, jokers

Jeff Passan
Yahoo Sports
Giving thanks to the Jeters, Joyces, jokers
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Cliff Lee can be certain a massive deal is coming his way

The horn o' plenty known as Major League Baseball giveth so much more than it taketh. The ridiculousness never ceases, and that's what Thanksgiving is for: to highlight our appreciation for so many players whose shenanigans keep the sport spinning on its axis.

We are thankful for them. Here is what they are thankful for:

Derek Jeter(notes) is thankful for the easy, peaceful contract negotiations with the New York Yankees.

• Hmmm. Let's try that again. Derek Jeter is thankful he gets to spend Thanksgiving with Minka Kelly.

Alex Rodriguez(notes) is thankful the Yankees do give players contracts well into their 40s so long as they represent the organization by opting out of their current deal during the World Series, cheating on their wife and using steroids.

• Scott Boras is thankful he's in the baseball business, because paying Dominican kids is a hell of a lot cheaper than Cam Newton.

Aubrey Huff(notes) is thankful that wearing a red thong every day for a month straight would make him only the fifth-dirtiest person in any given clubhouse.

• Jim Leyritz is thankful for the American justice system. Seeing that he killed a woman while driving legally drunk and was still acquitted, the rest of us are not.

Tim Lincecum(notes) is also thankful for the American justice system. That and bongs.

• Frank McCourt is thankful his divorce is finalized.

• Jamie McCourt is thankful her divorce is finalized.

• Everybody else will be thankful if the judge issues a ruling on their assets in December that forces the McCourts to sell the Dodgers.

• And Vladimir Shpunt is simply thankful he can now focus V energy on something other than those Dodgers losers.

Ken Griffey Jr.(notes) is thankful he can now fall asleep in peace.

Logan Morrison(notes) is thankful for his Twitter account, and so are we.

Mike Hampton(notes) is thankful his left arm survived another year without spontaneously combusting.

• Dayton Moore is thankful for Eric Hosmer, Mike Moustakas(notes), Wil Myers, John Lamb, Mike Montgomery(notes), Chris Dwyer, Danny Duffy and the other kids who by 2013 will make him look like a genius.

Carlos Quentin(notes) is thankful State Farm gives him a steady paycheck on the side.

Pablo Sandoval(notes) is thankful he works in the United States, for only here would a cook ever dream of putting a martini glass on a cycle of Deca Durabolin, then loading the oversized goblet with enough ice cream to stop a horse's heart.

Stephen Strasburg(notes) is thankful for Tommy John.

• Tommy John is not thankful that generations of kids will think he's a body part, not a 288-game winner.

Jose Guillen(notes) is thankful he can shoot his HGH in peace, now that nobody is going to give him a job.

• Bruce Bochy is thankful for Pluto's declassification as a planet, because were it still one, Bochcranium would be the latest addition to middle-school terrestrial discussions.

Shin-Soo Choo(notes) is thankful he received a military exemption from South Korea for winning the Asian Games and will avoid a potential war zone.

• Until he remembers that he must spend the time in Cleveland, for which Choo is not nearly as thankful.

Nyjer Morgan(notes) is thankful Tony Plush wasn't suspended for eight games.

• Sandy Alderson is thankful that even in this difficult job market, a lateral move is possible: from clearing up one festering craphole (amateur baseball in Latin American countries) to another (the New York Mets).

Felix Hernandez(notes) is thankful for those of us on the Dark Side. Muahahahahaha!

Cliff Lee(notes) is thankful for four days' rest.

Aroldis Chapman(notes) is thankful his career is in the hands of the manager who wrote a book, scheduled for 2011, called "Arm-Slayer: How to Kill a Promising Career."

Brian Wilson(notes) is thankful he plays in a city where having a masked sadomasochist roaming around your apartment isn't just OK, it's encouraged.

• Jim Joyce is thankful for Armando Galarraga(notes).

Armando Galarraga is thankful for Jim Joyce. Kinda.

Jose Bautista(notes) is thankful for those who didn't see his numbers and think immediately, "Steroids."

Manny Ramirez(notes) is thankful for his hair, since that's pretty much all he's got left.

Jonathan Papelbon(notes) is thankful for arbitration.

Daisuke Matsuzaka(notes) is thankful for Kei Igawa(notes).

• Kei Igawa is thankful for guaranteed contracts.

• Brian Cashman is thankful for a blank checkbook – except for Jeter, it seems.

A.J. Burnett(notes) is thankful for Brian Cashman and that blank checkbook from which he's paid.

• Ron Washington is thankful nobody peered too deeply into his past, because the idea of a man doing cocaine once, and for the first time at 57, remains the most absurd statement uttered in 2010, quite the accomplishment seeing as it came eight months ago.

Francisco Rodriguez is thankful there is a proper outlet to settle his differences with his wife and father-in-law: Jerry Springer.

• Bryce Harper is thankful for shaved legs. They are “super knarley”.

• And the rest of us are thankful for baseball, undoubtedly the gnarliest game around.