Missing: The tendency to approach the net when playing professional tennis.
Alias: Serve and Volley
Last Seen With: Pete Sampras
International authorities should be on the lookout for a key part of the professional tennis tour that has been missing for almost 10 years.
The victim was last seen with Pete Sampras at the 2002 US Open.
Victim is known to associate with people wearing old-school headbands and brandishing wooden rackets.
The victim is known to be dangerous, especially on grass surfaces, but also on cement.
The victim's primary residence was London but has also been spotted traveling through the United States and Australia.
The primary suspect in the case of the missing Serve and Volley is one Roger Federer. A ruthless man that has broken the spirit of countless souls throughout his professional career.
Suspect carries a Wilson special and has been observed packing more than one on multiple occasions.
Suspect's known address is Basel, Switzerland. Suspect speaks several foreign languages and often travels under the radar by private jet.
Suspect gave a public thrashing to Serve and Volley during the fourth round of the 2001 Championships at Wimbledon. Suspect overcame significant odds in crushing the Serve and Volley alongside companion Pete Sampras.
Observers of events that day were said to be stunned into silence by the suspect's relentless and unexpected upending of the victim. One exception was a fan that repeatedly shouted, "You can't be serious!"
Victim was grievously wounded in London, but did recover enough to appear at the trophy ceremony of the 2002 US Open. New York is where the victim's trail goes cold.
The primary suspect in this case is known by authorities as one "Roger Federer." Aliases include the "Swiss Maestro," "Fed Express," or simply the "Maestro." The victim was a world-renown phenomenon before the main suspect entered the picture.
Suspect's cover is a beautiful and innocent-looking family that features wife, "Mirka," and a pair of identical twin daughters.
Although missing since 2002, current rumors suggest that the victim, Serve and Volley, may have surfaced briefly during the summer of 2013.
The Serve and Volley was purportedly accompanied by Sergiy Stakovsky on Centre Court in Wimbledon as recently as June of this year.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the victim, backed-up by Stakovsky, executed a surprise attack and proceeded to overcome the Swiss Maestro with a fast-paced, well-planned attack.
The suspect's pride was wounded in the encounter but further medical attention was not required.
It's believed that the victim returned immediately to hiding in the aftermath of the attack.
Whether this was the true Serve and Volley, or one of its close relatives, is still under close scrutiny. If this was indeed the real Serve and Volley, it's believed that it would not return to professional tennis on a full-time basis until the suspect in this matter is no longer considered a threat.
If found, please approach cautiously while simultaneously attempting to contact a top-ranked tennis player for further assistance.
Thank you for your attention to this serious matter.
Andrew Prochnow is a derivatives trader by day and a tennis buff by night. Tweet him @AndrewProchnow.
- Crime & Justice
- Pete Sampras
- Roger Federer