Buck Farmer made his Major League debut for the Tigers on Wednesday. This means it's time to plow through the best adult-film names in baseball over the past 25 years, separate the wheat from the chaff, and see where Farmer ranks. I looked at over 4,000 names, and I have ideas.
Determining a good adult-movie name is somewhere between an art and a science. It's not as simple as finding a naughty word and putting another name before or after it. When I was a teenager, we played a game where your adult-movie name came from taking your childhood dog's name and pairing it with the street you grew up on. This method would produce solid names like Rex Palmetto and Chompy Plainview. I got Wilheim Acacia, but the game had more hits than misses.
A good adult-movie name doesn't have to wink. Brandon Cumpton, Nathan Adcock, and Charlie Furbush all make you giggle like the eight-year-old you are, yet they aren't names you expect to see as you fast-forward the opening credits of an x-rated movie. Richie Sexson, Doug Fister, R.A. Dickey ... these bring chuckles, but there's more to a good adult movie name.
There has to be subtlety, but there also has to be strength. John Wetteland is vaguely dirty if you squint, but Josh Towers might make for an even stronger name. Todd van Poppel has only a hint of a verb in there, but it's probably a better adult-film name than Wetteland. There's nothing sinful at all about the name Jack Morris, but it's one of the best. It's a good, strong adult movie name. Not every name has to be dirty.
Though it helps.
Also, you're thinking of the mustache with Morris.
Here are the top 10 adult movie star names in baseball over the last 25 years:
10. Paul Swingle (1993) 9. Jumbo Diaz (2014) 8. Jeff Manship (2013-14) 7. Max St. Pierre (2010) 6. Scott Service (1992-2004) 5. Jeff Bronkey (1993-94) 4. Rich Harden (2003-11) 3. Butch Huskey (1993-2000) 2. Randy Ready (1983-95) 1. Pat Burrell (2000-11)
This is a subjective list, of course. It neglects guys like Rocky Cherry, Steve Cummings, Joey Long, and Jonathan Van Every. It short-sheets the guys with obviously suggestive names, like Brandon Dickson and Jonathan Pettibone, and it hoses the guys who have the clean-yet-dirty je ne sais quoi we're looking for, like Bronswell Patrick and Rusty Richards.
I can't even explain all of them. All I know is that Paul Swingle is something between a swinger and a single, and he's got exactly what you're looking for, baby. Max St. Pierre combines a European flair with a classic adult first name. I don't know what a bronkey is, but it really, really sounds dirty.
Pat Burrell isn't even a great adult movie name, but he tops the list because I regret to inform you, like Al Pacino on the subway car in Devil's Advocate, that he's in your home right now, and there are cameras everywhere. Sorry.
Our job is to figure out if Buck Farmer fits on this list. I believe he does, without question. Except I'm loathe to toss Paul Swingle out. I love Paul Swingle. If you're looking for me at the Winter Meetings this year, I'm checking in under Paul Swingle. Paul Swingle Paul Swingle Paul Swingle. It even sounds like "Paul's wingle," which also sounds dirty.
Okay, fine. We're just talking about names, so the top spot is disqualified. Here's how I'll rank them:
10. Paul Swingle (1993) 9. Jumbo Diaz (2014) 8. Jeff Manship (2013-14) 7. Max St. Pierre (2010) 6. Scott Service (1992-2004) 5. Jeff Bronkey (1993-94) 4. Buck Farmer (2014) 3. Rich Harden (2003-11) 2. Butch Huskey (1993-2000) 1. Randy Ready (1983-95)
I will not hear arguments for #1 -- he upended Randy Johnson, fer peter's sake -- but the other parts of the list are up for discussion. Congratulations on your debut, Buck Farmer. And congratulations on your strong and firm-yet-gentle placement on this list.
I totally didn't think about and research this for several hours, so don't look at me like that.
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