Bringin' the Noise: 'Tis the (next) season

Brad Evans
Yahoo! Sports

Watch the Noise, and fellow Yahoo! expert Brandon Funston, answer your pressing lineup questions for a full hour every NFL Sunday on the Emmy nominated webcast "Fantasy Football Live" at 9 AM PT/11 AM CT/Noon ET.

You've physically tried to drown yourself in a punchbowl of eggnog. Attempted to freebase lead-laced paint from your 6-year-old's recalled Go Diego Go! toys. And you purposely forgot to wear a Kevlar vest while dove hunting with Bob Knight.

In a way, your half-hearted attempts at numbing the pain of first-round fantasy defeat are reminiscent of John Cusak's botched efforts in "Better off Dead." The only differences: Your best friend doesn't recreationally snort Jell-O. And you would never mindlessly strive to capture someone's heart by challenging jock Roy Stalin to a ski race down the hazardous K-12.

Now that would be suicidal.

Sure it's unbearable that your championship dreams were shattered because you "heeded the warning" of some dimwitted, loudmouthed columnist who recommended benching Joseph Addai.

But the sun will rise tomorrow.

As the classic keeper league adage says, "If you desire to be a fantasy boss, start your research after a playoff loss."

It's time to get familiar with next season's cast of potential Adrian Petersons.

Here is this year's cream of the collegiate crop:

Darren McFadden, Arkansas
'07 Stats: 25.3 RUSH/G, 143.8 RSYPG, 5.7 YPC, 21 REC, 164 RECYDS, 16 TDs
NFL Comparison: LaDanian Tomlinson
Notes: In fantasy terms, McFadden is Adrian Peterson's Doublemint Twin. This season, McFadden bedazzled defenders with nine 100-yard games in 12 contests, including 321 yards on 34 carries versus South Carolina. His prolific play vaulted him past Bo Jackson into third place behind Kevin Faulk and Herschel Walker on the SEC's all-time leading rushers list. His electrifying 4.4 speed, size and trustworthy durability will guide him to numerous NFL rushing titles. If he declares, which seems likely, he'll be a shoo-in top-five pick, possibly winding up, frighteningly, in New England. Next August, once the elite backs are crossed of your cheat sheet, McFadden would be a heady late-first, early-second round selection in any 12-team draft. If necessary, amputate an appendage to acquire him. He is poised to dominate for years to come.

Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
'07 Stats: 20.4 RUSH/G, 127.2 RSYPG, 6.2 YPC, 16 TDs, 29 REC, 259 RECYDs, 18 TDs
NFL Comparison: Willis McGahee
Notes: Each time Mendenhall's name is mentioned in my presence Barry White love songs play in my head. The obsessive man-lust I have for Mendenhall exceeds the passions expressed in the space for Brandon Jacobs. Mendenhall, like McFadden, is blessed with otherworldly abilities that could make an NFL scout's head explode. His magnificent combination of speed (4.48-40), power and versatility (2.4 REC/G) should push him into the late first round in April. Playing for a resurgent Illini club, the junior back broke Illinois' single-season touchdown mark with 18 scores. He also tallied seven 100-yard games and averaged a sparkling 6.2 yards per carry in 12 contests. Rumors have circulated for weeks that he'll throw his hat in the draft ring after the Rose Bowl. And if he does, the Seahawks could make him the successor to Shaun Alexander. After McFadden, he'll be the best fantasy rookie rusher in 2008.

Jonathan Stewart, Oregon
'07 Stats: 21.4 RUSH/G, 122.4 RSYPG, 5.7 YPC, 20 REC, 116 RECYDS, 11 TDs
NFL Comparison: A bigger Maurice Jones-Drew
Notes: Stewart is one dangerous Duck. A unanimous choice for the Pac-10 all-conference team, the junior quacker established a new Ducks' single-season record in all-purpose yardage, registering 2,199 yards. At 5-foot-11, 235-pounds, Stewart is a stout, low-to-the-ground pile driver who obliterates defenders with his astonishing strength. His exceptional intelligence and reliability as a receiver makes him a versatile asset and a probable late first rounder in April. If he takes the NFL plunge, he'll be highly sought after in the middle rounds of fantasy drafts this summer.

Kevin Smith, Central Florida
'07 Stats: 31.3 RUSH/G, 188.3 RSYPG, 5.9 YPC, 21 REC, 230 RECYDS, 30 TDs
NFL Comparison: Larry Johnson
Notes: Torn between the allure of NFL dollars and chasing the Heisman hardware, Smith is undecided about his 2008 plans. Probably the best back in the nation you've never heard of, Smith topped the country in rushing attempts, yards, and touchdowns this season. Heading into UCF's Liberty Bowl clash with Mississippi State, the junior tugboat is just 181 yards shy of surpassing Barry Sanders' single-season collegiate rushing record. His laser vision, natural athleticism and determined work ethic have propelled Smith over the 100-yard mark 11 times this season, including a 149-yard, two-TD outburst against Texas. If he forgoes his senior season, he could be the steal of the NFL – not to mention your fantasy – draft next year.

Felix Jones, Arkansas
'07 Stats: 10.3 RUSH/G, 93.1 RSYPG, 9.1 YPC, 13 REC, 111 RECYDS, 11 TDs
NFL Comparison: Jerious Norwood
Notes: Jones may have played second fiddle to McFadden at Arkansas, but he certainly can carry his own tune. Much like his highly publicized teammate, Jones is a gamebreaker. Amazingly, despite netting 50 percent fewer touches than McFadden, he's managed to eclipse the century mark six times this season. Jones has sat back in the shadows for the past three years, which suggests he may need time to adjust to the demanding rigors of primary back duty in the NFL. However, he could be a spectacular time-share rusher at the next level until he can build his endurance and stamina. Unlike his likeness Norwood, let's hope his head coach won't waste his portentous talents.

Steve Slaton, West Virginia
'07 Stats: 17.5 RUSH/G, 87.8 RSYPG, 5.0 YPC, 25 REC, 348 RECYDs, 18 TDs
NFL Comparison: Brian Westbrook
Notes: Slaton is unequivocally the most versatile back on this list. Although he's somewhat petite (190 pounds) for the professional game, he could be a damaging force in an offense tailored to his all-around skills. Ideally, one-cut schemes, like those in Houston, Green Bay and Denver, or West Coast offenses, as seen in Tampa, Philadelphia and Seattle, would maximize Slaton's potential. His rocket wheels, grittiness between the hashmarks and legitimacy as a receiver designates him an ideal lightning complement in a two-back system. Those in point-per-reception leagues need to keep close tabs on where Slaton lands if he makes the leap.

Ray Rice, Rutgers
'07 Stats: 28.7 RUSH/G, 144.3 RSYPG, 5.0 YPC, 23 REC, 224 RECYDS, 21 TDs
NFL Comparison: Rudi Johnson
Notes: Rice is a multi-round prize fighter who revels in wearing adversaries down late in games. The Rutgers bruiser has been one of college football's most punishing yet durable backs over the past three seasons. This year, Rice bulldozed his way to a BCS Conference-leading 146.5 rushing yards per game. Astoundingly, he's rushed for at least 94 yards in 11 of 12 games. The Scarlet Knights' all-time leading rusher will have a difficult decision to make in the coming weeks, but he would certainly be a solid mid-round pick in fantasy drafts next year.

Mike Hart, Michigan
'07 Stats: 25.9 RUSH/G, 136.9 RSYPG, 5.3 YPC, 7 REC, 43 RECYDs, 12 TDs
NFL Comparison: Jamal Lewis
Notes: One of two seniors on this list, Hart is a classic grinder whose general wear, along with a lack of versatility and explosiveness, will likely plummet him into the second or third round in April. However, he's a proven plodder who can handle a strenuous 25-carry workload at the next level. The problem is, with so many organizations instituting two-back systems, Hart's absent versatility projects him as a backup. Still, he could shine running behind a formidable offensive line if given an opportunity.

Matt Forte, Tulane
'07 Stats: 30.1 RUSH/G, 177.3 RSYPG, 5.9 YPC, 32 REC, 282 RECYDs, 23 TDs
NFL Comparison: Brian Leonard
Notes: Likely a third- or fourth-round pick this spring, Forte is definitely a dark-horse. The lone offensive standout on a four-win Tulane team, Forte single-handedly destroyed opposing defenses rushing for 2,127 yards, the seventh-highest single-season total in NCAA history. Equally impressive, the Green Waver has averaged 25.8 receptions per season in his four-year career. Forte excelled in Tulane's West Coast offense and could do the same on the pro circuit. Owners in ocean-deep leagues should keep the youngster in their crosshairs next season given his multi-faceted skills and familiarity with the popularized West Coast scheme.

Here are this week's flames, lames and stars of video games:

*BNRK = Big Noise weekly position ranking
*Y!% = Percentage owned in Yahoo! leagues through 12/8

Week 15 Fantasy Flames
Player Team Pos Opp BNRK Y!%
Todd Collins QB 16 0.20
Lowdown: Collins has the looks and the arm strength of baseball Hall of Famer Jim Palmer - minus the underwear advertisements. The former Michigan standout filled in brilliantly for injured incumbent Jason Campbell last week completing a pinpoint-accurate 75 percent of his passes for 224 yards and two scores against Chicago. Collins is a self-described pocket sloth who needs ample time to deliver precise passes downfield. The frenetic G-Men are relentless in their pursuit of the quarterback, hinging Collins' success on the Washington O-line. If the Hogs can sustain their blocks, the nine-year vet will be an airborne tycoon against a Giants secondary that has yielded 37 pass plays of 20-plus yards, the 11th most in the NFL. New York has also surrendered 245.6 passing yards and 1.6 air strikes per game since Week 10. Look for Collins and home-run hitter Santana Moss to have surprisingly effective afternoons in the Big Apple. Have faith in him as a No. 1 in 14-team and deeper leagues.
Fearless Forecast: 249 passing yards, 2 touchdowns, 1 interception
Rudi Johnson RB 14 87.2
Lowdown: Someone finally roused Rudi from the dead. Since Week 12, the Cincinnati pack mule has shaken off the ill-effects of a nagging hamstring injury, averaging 71.3 rushing yards per game while scoring in three straight. Crippled by injuries and general inefficiency earlier in the season, the Bengals offensive line is now starting to bond. But they will have a tough task against an improving Niners defense led by dynamite rookie Patrick Willis. Remove Chester Taylor's 84-yard TD gallop last week and the Niners held the NFC's best rushing attack to 30 yards on 16 carries. Despite their refined play, San Fran has conceded 106.2 rushing yards per game and four end zone dives – equal to the 10th-most fantasy points allowed – to backs since Week 10. Although he'll lose roughly 5-8 touches to speedster DeDe Dorsey, the Queen City workhorse is expected to net 23-27 carries yet again, denoting him a trustworthy No. 2 in 12-team leagues. For the first time since Week 2, Rudi will hit the century mark.
Fearless Forecast: 23 carries, 102 rushing yards, 1 reception, 7 receiving yards, 1 touchdown
Chester Taylor RB 17 88.7
Lowdown: Chester Cheetah will cover the Bears in powdered processed cheese. Since the Purple Jesus' return in Week 13, Taylor, the Minnesota Moses, has totaled 211 yards and found pay dirt twice. Overshadowed by Peterson's stunning 224-yard, three-TD thrashing of the Bears at Soldier Field in Week 6, Taylor totaled a respectable 83 yards on 22 carries. Up front, the Mice of the Midway have been devastated by injuries and ineptitude. Over the past five weeks they've surrendered 160.2 total yards per game and seven touchdowns to plowshares, equal to the fifth-most fantasy points allowed. Earthen parapets Steve Hutchinson and Bryant McKinnie will have little trouble dominating the line of scrimmage, creating colossal running lanes for Peterson and Taylor to scoot through. Even with 10-15 touches, Taylor should be counted upon as a borderline No. 2 in 12-team and deeper leagues. If there was ever a week for an owner to start both Vikings backs, this is it.
Fearless Forecast: 13 carries, 72 rushing yards, 3 receptions, 19 receiving yards, 1 touchdown
Tony Scheffler TE 5 33.1
Lowdown: The Mile High Chef will cook up a gourmet fantasy feast in Houston. Outside of emerging superstar Brandon Marshall, injuries have taken their toll on the Denver receiving corps. Brandon Stokley has battled a nagging knee strain for the past two weeks and is expected to be a game-time decision. Meanwhile, former Pro Bowler Javon Walker has been plagued by recurring complications from his surgically repaired knee. Walker did participate fully in practice on Tuesday and Wednesday, but his status for Thursday's game remains a mystery. Given the state of the Broncos' second and third receiving options, Scheffler will see a spike in targets this week. At 6-foot-5, 250-pounds the second-year tight end has a significant size advantage over the Texans linebackers, who have been troubled by tight ends all season. Houston has conceded the 10th-most fantasy points to tight ends this year. With Marshall drawing away attention, Scheffler will become the focus of Jay Cutler's airborne attack. Confidently start him in all 12-team leagues.
Fearless Forecast: 5 receptions, 62 yards, 1 touchdown
Jabar Gaffney WR 27 0.42
Lowdown: Despite being the Patriots' quaternary option, Gaffney has become a reliable fantasy starter. Since Week 10, the former Gator has scored a trio of touchdowns and compiled 5.7 targets, 4.7 receptions and 72.3 yards per game. Gaffney is an intelligent finesse route runner who can slip through the stiffest of coverage stealthily. With so much attention focused on stymieing Randy Moss – he caught nine passes for 183 yards and a score versus the Jets in Week 1 – Gaffney will again find exploitable soft spots downfield. The Jets have not allowed an 80-yard receiver since Week 8, but have yielded seven 40-plus yard pass plays this season, the eighth-most in the league. Mangenious will attempt to thwart Tom Brady by overloading the secondary with seven defensive backs. But it will be a fruitless task. Given Gaffney's increased number of looks and the Jets' inadequacies in deep coverage, he certainly warrants a start as a No. 3 in 12-team and larger formats.
Fearless Forecast: 5 receptions, 79 yards, 1 touchdown
Shocker Special of the Week
Player Team Pos Opp BNRK Y!%
Darius Walker RB 28 0.01
Lowdown: Walker, practice squad fodder just three weeks ago, is this week's unheralded waiver savior. With Ron Dayne very unlikely to play on Thursday due to a gimpy ankle, Walker will start against a Denver defense that has surrendered 14 20-plus yard runs this year, the second-most in the NFL. Broncos' linebackers Ian Gold and D.J. Williams have greatly improved against the run since Week 10, confining backs to 82.6 yards per game and 3.5 yards per carry. However, hardened efforts in defending the run have been rather anomalous for Denver this year. Gary Kubiak is very devoted to the ground game and will feed Walker early to establish an offensive rhythm and set up play-action. Walker's excellent one-cut moves and versatility as a pass catcher will lead him to accumulate appreciable numbers – especially in PPR formats. Walker's goal-line role is unclear and he'll lose roughly 8-12 touches to Adimchinobi Echemandu, but he's still a dependable flex play in deeper formats.
Fearless Forecast: 18 carries, 67 rushing yards, 5 receptions, 32 receiving yards, 1 touchdown
Week 15 Fantasy Lames
Player Team Pos Opp BNRK Y!%
Vince Young QB 21 78.7
Lowdown: The Madden Cursed Young will be a dagger in the hearts of his title hopeful owners this week. KC's Cover 2 umbrella has leaked occasionally this season, but since Week 10 few quarterbacks have been able to penetrate it with much success. Over that span, Ty Law and company have limited signal callers to 185.2 yards and 1.2 scores per game, good for the sixth-fewest points allowed. The Wonderlic challenged Young has struggled with coverage reads all season. Anticipate Chiefs defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham bringing a barrage of blitzes, forcing Young to make dubious decisions. Believe it or not, whispers of a Kerry Collins coup have surfaced in Nashville. After another mundane effort by Young, those whispers may grow into screams. Todd Collins (at NYG), Trent Edwards (at Cle) and Shaun Hill (vs. Cin) are more favorable options.
Fearless Forecast: 189 passing yards, 1 passing touchdown, 2 interceptions, 28 rushing yards
Edgerrin James RB 26 100
Lowdown: James will not be covered in colored beads on Bourbon Street. The stalwart Saints run defense has played magnificently this season. New Orleans' inflexible trench team has not allowed a 100-yard rusher since Week 1, held backs to 3.9 yards per carry in six home games and have allowed the 10th-fewest fantasy points to tugboats since Week 10. Over his past nine games, Edge has grossly underperformed, surpassing 90 yards once while averaging 3.3 yards per tote. Ken Whisenhunt desperately wants James more heavily involved, but with injuries greatly hampering the Cardinals secondary, they've been forced airborne playing from behind. Given that scenario and the Saints' own inadequacies in their secondary, James will again be a victim of circumstance. Only have confidence in him as a flex producer in 12-team and deeper leagues.
Fearless Forecast: 18 carries, 67 rushing yards, 2 receptions, 12 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns
Maurice Jones-Drew RB 30 99.9
Lowdown: Oompah Loompah dumpa da dee, MJD will be McBeamed in the Steel City. Fred Taylor's miraculous career resurrection has been costly for Jones-Drew owners. Taylor's three-game string of 100-yard performances has netted MJD fewer than 13 touches per game or roughly 42 percent of the time-share. Expect that trend to continue this week in Pittsburgh. Casey Hampton has been a run Kraken this season, gobbling up rushers as though they were small sea vessels. In six home games, the Steelers have limited backs to 58.5 rushing yards per game and 3.0 yards per carry. The Jags' trench monoliths have created mammoth avenues and, with defensive end Aaron Smith out, they'll try to attack the corners, but with marginal success. Contemplate more favorable options if available in all 12-team leagues.
Fearless Forecast: 11 carries, 32 rushing yards, 3 reception, 24 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns
Bernard Berrian WR 32 94.3
Lowdown: No one is more damning to a wide receiver's fantasy performance than legendary partier Kyle Orton. Although Orton may have once sported the greatest Grizzly Adams since Dan Fouts, he certainly never had the arm strength to match. The Vikings have had immense difficulties deflating the air game this season as they've allowed 42 20-plus yard pass plays on the year, and the most yards to wideouts since Week 10. However, given Orton's downfield deficiencies, Ron Turner will likely design a gameplan prominently featuring tight ends Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark, not Berrian. On paper, Berrian is a must start. But Orton's physical limitations combined with his presumed rustiness – he hasn't started a regular season game since 2005 – labels Chicago's top receiver a Week 14 "lame."
Fearless Forecast: 5 receptions, 52 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns

Roddy White WR 33 90.8
Lowdown: The Bucs stingy Cover 2 will cause Hot Roddy to suffer viscosity breakdown. No wideout in fantasy has been more productive than White over the past three weeks. During that span, White has snagged an average of 6.3 receptions for 108.3 yards per game along with three chalk crosses. Unfortunately, this week the Atlanta high-flyer will be grounded. The Bucs have yielded a lowly five 70-yard receivers and 19 pass plays of 20-plus yards in 13 contests. The Falcons' inability to protect the pocket will put Chris Redman under enormous duress, which will severely hinder the passing attack. White mustered only four receptions for 28 yards against the Bucs in Week 10 and will likely yield similar disappointment. Throw in the potential impact of Bobby Petrino's shocking resignation, and White's good fantasy name will most certainly be blackened at the most inopportune time.
Fearless Forecast: 4 receptions, 32 receiving yards, 0 touchdowns
QBs: 15+ fantasy points
RBs: 10+ fantasy points
WRs: 7+ fantasy points
TEs: 6+ fantasy points
D/ST: 10+ fantasy points
*Scoring system:
4 PTs/Pass TD
1 PT/20 pass yards
6 PTs/Rush-Rec TD
1 PT/10 Rush-Rec yards
-1 PT/INT or FL
W: Fred Jackson = 11 Points
W: Fred Taylor = 19 Points
W: Roddy White = 13 Points
L: Mike Furrey = 2 Points
L: Brad Smith = 2 Points
ND: Marc Bulger = DNS
Week 14 Flame Record: 3-2
Shocker Specials: 3-10
Season Total: 39-41 = 48.8%
W: Justin Fargas = 5 Points
W: Dwayne Bowe = 2 Points
L: Joseph Addai = 24 Points
L: Kurt Warner = 23 Points
L: Plaxico Burress = 19
Week 14 Lame Record: 2-3
Season Total: 32-35 = 47.8%

Upset you don't have a forum to express your disdain for drafting Reggie Bush? Do you question why on earth you're not a fantasy expert? This is the place for you to vent your thoughts, tirades and frustrations. Can you bring the noise?

Hey Brad, just a comment. It isn't a man-crush, but I enjoy your fire and passion for football and often have good advice. I have three fantasy teams with a combined record of (as of week 13) 31-8. You helped with those wins. People give you alot of crap, but remember you have a lot of fans. Happy Holidays.

Ken, Tumwater, WA

"My ultimate fantasy involves me locked in a penthouse suite with Giselle Bundchen, Heidi Klum, a cardboard cutout of Brandon Jacobs and an unlimited supply of Cristal and Cool Whip.” That’s a terrible visual … but a hilarious comment! Keep up the good work.

Brent, San Diego, CA

Great column! Get this: I had Drew Bennett that night with about a 30-point deficit. I remember getting so into the comeback that I was calling friends as I watched the numbers roll up. I even was screaming at the trainers when they were giving him oxygen during the second half "JUST GET HIM BACK IN THE GAME!" At the end, I had actually taken a slight lead. Remember who Volek's last pass was to? Yeh, the only guy my opponent for the night had still playing – D. Mason. Ouch, I lost by two that night! Keep up the great work!

Brian, Graham, CA

Brad: I was also a victim of the 2004 Volek to Bennett connection. A buddy of mine in a private league started both parts of the one-time dynamic-duo, as well as Jerry Porter (Everyone’s favorite "Deep Threat" that I had to hear about every pre-season, who rarely delivered on that promise), who stumbled into three touchdowns that week as well. The scoring is slightly different, but I put up 105 points (85% of the time that equals a win). My opponent...177 points. It was the miracle on grass, and it ruined what had been a fantastic fantasy season for myself. To this day, I never let that one go, so I feel your pain buddy!

Chris, Pittsburgh, PA

Great call with Buffalo Defense, a good 23 or so point bonus to give me a playoff spot. I know people hate on you all the time, but also great call of Fred Taylor. I propose no more lames as you seem to struggle with that, I hope no one benched Addai, Plax or Warner for someone like Kolby Smith.

Kyle, Kensington, MD

Hey Brad, I have Addai going for me again next week in my league's semi-finals. Since Addai seems to score a minimum of 3 TD's every time you question his prowess, could you do me a favor and pick him as a Fantasy Lame again?

Tim, Huntington Beach, CA

Noise: Of Addai’s 14 total touchdowns this season, my "lame" designations have accounted for six of those scores. The Colts should hire me as a motivation consultant. My defamatory words could drive Addai to obliterate LT's single-season TD record.

Although I received several malicious emails from readers expressing their Addai malcontent, the pick was again backed by coherent reasoning. Up until last week's hat trick, the Ravens had only conceded four scores to backs on the season.

In honor of Addai's testicle twisting performance, I'm officially retiring his name from the lame ranks. Never again…

I was watching the show last week and almost punched my monitor at the sound of your made-for-closed-caption excuse of a voice. The fact that we are forced to listen to you and stare at your unbearable widow's peak every Sunday to get some injury and roster news makes me sick. You are almost NEVER right, and the fact that you brag about that is pitiful. You've forecasted one good pickup all year. You claim that you've been a fantasy addict since "the days when grunge rock ruled radio" (horrible reference by the way), but the truth is... you've been a man addict since that time.

Tom, Tucson, AZ

Noise: Evidently, Tom was a bigger fan of Right Said Fred than Pearl Jam in the early 90s. The question is: Can Tom do a "little turn on the catwalk?"

Are you sure you're not suffering from mistaken identity or blurred vision? Funston is the proud owner of the most distinguished widow's peak in fantasy, not me. I'm the guy with the hair peninsula. Morphing Funston and I together would be like combining the powers of Godzilla and Lou Holtz. We would dominate the fantasy sports world with a "fat tongue," witty puns and fiery breath. Oh, and we would always speak fondly of Notre Dame Alums – even Julius Jones.

And yes, I am a recovering man-addict. Unfortunately, beginning with my first man-crush in 1996, Mark Brunell, I've occasionally relapsed. Damn the intoxicating powers of Brandon Jacobs and Rashard Mendenhall's yards per carry averages…

I hope you're close friends with Kurt Warner, because mentioning his wife in your articles is really pathetic. I remember an entry of where you posted a picture of his wife. I know you aren't a real sports journalist, but can't you keep up some sort of professionality? To be honest, you seem like you have gotten into some drugs or drinks. Are you going through a "maybe, I'm gay" phase? Seriously, I don't know how you Yahoo idiots keep your jobs.

Justain, Irvine, CA

Noise: The "maybe, I’m gay" phase ended after Brandon Jacobs' second major injury of the season.

"Professionality?" I’m not sure what your self-derived word means. Look, if I were close friends with Warner it would be blatantly obvious. This column would be regularly filled with biblical references and WWJD anecdotes instead of random pop culture phrases. For example, "Warner will betray fantasy owners this week like Judas did Jesus" would be more prevalent than say, "Warner will betray fantasy owners this week like Darth Vader did Obi-Wan."

Since this column doesn't celebrate religious holidays, the Brenda Warner humor will continue. I can only hope her stylish blonde mop has fostered her inner cougar.

Brad, Will you appear at my 5-year'old's birthday party? You are a deadset clown!

Douglas, Ontario, Canada

Noise: Douglas, just so we're on the same page, "Mr. Peppers" and his merry helpmate "Sideshow Brandon" will only dazzle audiences with uncomfortable laughter for a large fee and Captain Morgan mixers, which must be readily accessible during the show. Our specialties include: dodging enraged bulls (live demonstration is extra), flirting with beautiful soccer moms, contorting balloon animals into provocative positions and explaining the hazards of drafting a kicker in the final round of fantasy football drafts. Hey, we're all about helping the kids…

Each week one lucky aspiring fantasy prognosticator is chosen to go toe-to-toe against the Noise. If you want to be a guest "expert" submit your flames, lames and shocker special via the link in the column footer no later than midnight central time on Tuesdays. Oh, and please, no long dissertations to justify your picks. All that's required are your player selections and projections. Good luck!

Week 15 contestant: Andrew, Sidney, OH

Shaun Hill, SF (vs. Cin): 260 passing yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT
Darius Walker, Hou (vs. Den): 22 carries, 110 rushing yards, TD
Josh Reed, Buf (at Cle): 6 receptions, 78 receiving yards, TD
Sidney Rice, Min (vs. Chi): 4 receptions, 62 yards, TD
Miami Defense (vs. Bal): 10 points allowed, 3 sacks, 3 turnovers, 1 TD return

Shocker Special:
Chris Baker, NYJ (at NE): 4 receptions, 51 yards, TD

Donovan McNabb, Phi (at Dal): 177 passing yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs
DeShaun Foster, Car (vs. Sea): 17 carries, 41 rushing yards, 2 receptions, 15 receiving yards, 0 TD
Adrian Peterson, Chi (at Min): 15 carries, 51 rushing yards, 4 receptions, 20 receiving yards, 0 TD
Reggie Wayne, Ind (at Oak): 5 receptions, 69 yards, 0 TD
Chad Johnson, Cin (at SF): 5 receptions, 58 yards, 0 TD

Week 14 Results: Dave from Omaha, NE
Flames: 2-3, 40% (W – Rudi Johnson, Arnaz Battle; L – Shaun Alexander, Patrick Crayton, Marcedes Lewis (Shocker Special); DNP – Jeff Garcia)
Lames: 2-3, 40% (W – Adrian Peterson, Donald Driver; L – Brett Favre, Willie Parker, Wes Welker)

Noisers YTD: Flames: 29-36, 44.6%; Lames: 25-30, 45.4%, Shocker Specials: 3-8