Advice for Pacman

Jason Cole
Yahoo! Sports

Randy Blacker has a relatively cheap and easy solution for one of Adam "Pacman" Jones' biggest problems.

"Get the stainless steel model, put it in the game room with a couple of mirrors and lights," said Blacker, the inventor of the Lil' Mynx stripper pole. "Keep the homeys in the home and keep it nice and safe. You have total traffic control. It's perfect. And you get to pick and choose your stripper, uh, exotic dancers."

OK, this is a little blunt, but it's time to cut to the chase with Jones, who got his name tossed around the news again on Monday when police asked to question him about a shooting after he and his entourage left an Atlanta strip club at about 4 a.m. that morning.

This isn't the time for sermonizing about Jones and his problems. People have done plenty of that over the past four months since Jones was involved in a fracas at a Las Vegas strip club that left one man paralyzed by a gunshot to the back and two other people also wounded during NBA All-Star Weekend.

Not that sermonizing isn't warranted. Jones deserves it.

It just doesn't work.

Jones' wave of problems caused a tsunami alert to go off at the NFL offices and forced Commissioner Roger Goodell to go Buford Pusser on the league, mostly with Jones. Jones is about to serve a one-year suspension for his many legal entanglements, which include allegedly biting a police officer.

It doesn't take long to figure out a common theme in many of Jones' problems. Following the Vegas strip club incident, Jones met in April with Goodell at the league offices in New York. Jones prepped for that meeting by going to a strip club until the sun rose over Manhattan, according to published media reports.

On Monday came the latest news. The shooting was apparently between members of Jones' entourage and another group of men after all of them left a strip club.

According to an Associated Press report, officer Ariel Toledo said Jones was not present when the shots were fired and no charges have been filed against him.

"We believe he knows some of his entourage who were involved in the shooting," Toledo said. "On himself, we do not have any charges on him. He wasn't there when the shooting occurred."

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello couldn't be reached for comment. Even so, it's not hard to assume that Goodell isn't exactly going to be happy with this news. He had given Jones a chance to reduce his suspension to 10 games with good behavior.

However Jones, who last week wisely dropped his appeal of the suspension, continues to behave more like Lindsay Lohan.

With that in mind, it's time for Jones to reconsider his strip club venues. Of course, it would be nice if he would reconsider the whole idea of going to strip clubs, but that message hasn't seemed to have gotten through.

Thus, it's time to bring the answer home. Literally. Enter Blacker and the device he invented in 2002 after getting laid off from a second high-tech job. Blacker got the idea from watching a CNN story about how the adult entertainment industry was basically "recession proof."

"When times are good, people buy porn. When times are bad, people buy porn," Blacker said. Blacker wasn't going to get completely into the industry, so he invented a device that crosses over from the worst of the industry to a more respectable end.

He invented a removable pole that can stand alone in most homes merely with a hook and a plastic base. In the past year, the business has taken off, grossing approximately $1.2 million in 2006 and the growth rate is still "steep."

That leads us back to Jones. He may have nothing to do with Monday morning's shooting, but you have to ask yourself a deeper question. Actually it's not really that deep. It's more a matter of common sense.

Pac, what's up with going out to strip clubs until 4 a.m. when you've already got a bad history with them? As Redd Foxx's character on "Sanford and Son" used to put it, "you big dummy."

This is like the alcoholic who says he can handle a dessert wine. It seems harmless, but pretty soon you're in the middle of something stupid again.

Jones could just get the "Original Lil' Mynx," which starts at $229, comes in a variety of colors and can be customized for his home. More important, it could cut out the riff raff.

Of course, you lose some of the charming ambiance of going out to strip clubs. There's the thumping music. There's the cave-like feel of a building without windows. There are the watered-down drinks that go for twice the regular price. Most of all, there are the "intimate" conversations.

Conversely, what you get with Blacker's product is what he called "traffic control." As a bonus, when you remove the pole, you get a nifty hook from the ceiling where you can hang a plant.

In Jones' case, that could mean control of his life. That way, Jones might finally learn a great lesson that the late comedian Robin Harris once turned into a joke.

Harris talked about how his friends said he changed once he started to make it in his career.

Retorted Harris: "God damn right I've changed. I ain't hanging out with you anymore, getting' me in trouble and takin' all my money."

That's harsh, but so was the message from perhaps the best movie Harris ever was part of.

"Do the Right Thing."

Hopefully, Jones will. Even if it means buying a pole.