If Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson didn't own the title of "Fastest Man in College Football" before today, it was only because the margins are too small and the circumstances on the field too variable to discern among individual players. If he doesn't own the title after today, it's only because no one had a stopwatch on hand when he moved to respond to a series of messages on his official Twitter account that began thusly:
Hi. Yes, I hacked you lol. You are the most disgraceful person I have ever met in my entire life! You cheated on me our entire relationship!
It goes downhill from there, with the anonymous tweeter calling Robinson "a liar and a manipulator," absolving herself of remorse "because you didn't give a DAMN whether you hurt me or not" and finally taunting another tweeter who "wanted Denard as well." ("Yes, he told me about you too… stop being a follower sweetie, you've been doing that since he was messing around with Ashley.") Aaaand scene: Predictably, the account was suspended after about 10 hacked tweets in as many minutes. Inevitably, another account titled @DenardEX sprung up about as quickly to pick up the slack.
I'm not privy to Denard Robinson's personal life and wouldn't verify any details therein even if I could. So let's just go ahead and assume, for his sake, that he was the innocent victim of a misguided (albeit hilarious) prank, perhaps perpetuated by a puckish teammate or two. It was still sent out to 27,671 followers before the account went black — easily the largest Twitter audience I'm aware of for any college player — many of whom subsequently relayed it to their followers, and is now making the rounds on irreverent blogs such as this one. (And this one and this one.) Given days and weeks to prepare before hosting the Wolverines later this season, I expect only top quality work to follow from the undergraduate satirists of Northwestern, Michigan State, Iowa and Illinois. Remember, kids: You already know your assignment, so get to work now. Don't procrastinate. If you rush to turn in shoddy work at the last minute, you're only hurting yourselves.
And if it turns out that it is what it looks like, and "Shoelace" was publicly embarrassed by a jilted girlfriend, well, at least he's lucky enough to realize she's not the one before it's too late. So that's a relief. You do realize that, don't you, Denard? No, you shouldn't call her. No, you two never really had that much fun. Put the phone down, Denard…