November 20, 2008
After writing an ESPN college basketball analysis that essentially ended up being a refutation of all things Dick Vitale, I re-learned the most timeless of all acronymed lessons: ACYRFF. (Always check your RSS feeds first.) Why? Because it might have been nice to know Vitale's vocal chords are still reeling from the throat surgery he had last year, that he's had to keep quiet as much as possible lately, and that he seems to sense an impending end to his reign of screamy terror:
“Little things like that are going to help me prolong my career, because, I’m going to be honest with you, without it I probably would feel like my life is over,” the 69-year-old Vitale said on a conference call Wednesday. “I really mean it. I’m a gym rat. I love being around kids. I love being around the environment of the college game. If that’s taken from me, I really believe the party’s over. It’s done. I know I’m in the last chapter. I know time is running out. But I want to enjoy it as much as I can.”
Yeesh. Now I feel kind of bad. Actually, that's always the story with Vitale: His enthusiasm is so undeniably genuine that disagreeing with his style of college basketball analysis -- a style I would call, simply, "AHHHHHH" -- feels like disagreeing with him personally. And I don't. I like Dick Vitale the person. I hate Dick Vitale the broadcaster. He hurts my ears. And my ears aren't even that sensitive.
Anyway, I have an existential question: If Vitale isn't supposed to be talking off-duty, how did he give an interview to an AP reporter? Was it ...
telekinesis telepathy? Wait until Vitale learns to talk without vocal chords. May God help us all.