September 24, 2008
According to reports, the New York Knicks are trying to convince center Jerome James to retire for medical/insurance reasons. James appeared in just two games last season, but he simply refuses to die, showing up in Greenburgh with the intention of going to training camp. Earlier this morning, Knicks president Donnie Walsh talked with James behind closed doors. Obviously, we're well connected, so here's the dialogue ...
Jerome James: (Popping his head into the office) Mr. Walsh, you wanted to see me?
Donnie Walsh: (Getting up from behind his desk) Jerome! Yes, yes, come in, come in.
James: What's up, boss?
Walsh: Oh nothing, nothing at all. Just going through some paperwork, crunching the numbers. You know, seeing who else's checks bounced because Zeke paid 'em in popcorn.
Walsh: But, ah, forget that nonsense! Give it here, young man. (Shaking James' right hand) It's so great to see you.
Walsh: (Continuing to shake James' hand) Yeah, yeah, you look great, Jerome. You look great. Strong back, good posture. (Violently shaking James' hand) You look almost too great, kid ...
James: Mr. Walsh, you're hurting my hand.
Walsh: (Letting go) Oh, right, wouldn't want that. Sorry. I'm just excited to see you. Come in, come in, grab a seat.
James: Just sit anywhere?
Walsh: Yeah, here, sit down. This one's leather.
James: (Starting to sit down) Thanks.
Walsh: (Pulls chair out from underneath James) Uh-oh!
James: (Crashing to the floor) What the hell?
Walsh: Sorry, sorry, there was some mustard or something on this one. Saw it at the last minute. Lee must've been in here eating hotdogs again.
James: (Pulling himself up from the floor) Oh, well, thanks.
Walsh: Yeah, no problem. We wouldn't want to wreck those, what —$500, $600 pair of jeans now would we? Ha!
James: (Pulling up another chair) Yeah, try $1000 per pant leg. It's custom-made denim. Apparently, they massage the cow or something. Got three or four pairs shipped in from Rome last week.
Walsh: (Mumbling) You make me sick.
Walsh: Sick. Sick denim, man. Nice thread count.
James: Yeah, they're pretty nice. So, what's up?
Walsh: (Sitting down) Well, I just wanted to see how you're doing. See how those old knees of yours are holding up?
James: Honestly, they feel great. I feel great. I'm excited to contribute this year.
Walsh: Yeah, about that ...
James: Look, don't get me wrong, boss; I still have a lot to prove to Coach D'Antoni. But my knees are healthy; I don't struggle with my breath walking up the steps anymore ...
Walsh: You sound tired, though.
James: I just want to get back out there and continue to lead the league in field goal and free throw percentages. That's my goal.
Walsh: James, you shot one field goal and two free throws last season.
James: Hundred percent, baby.
Walsh: I don't know, James, I worry about you. I mean, you're starting to get up there in age now. What are you — 45, 46?
Walsh: Right, 42. That's my point, man. You got to start thinking about your future. Your kids' future.
James: I appreciate your concern, boss, but I like I said, I feel great. I'm eating healthy, I'm working out ... I feel like a million bucks.
Walsh: Six million bucks ...
James: Ha! I don't know if I feel that great ... but yeah, I've been using this new moisturizer. It's real nice. That old chick from 'Who's The Boss' endorses it. Not Mona, the other one ...
James: Yeah, Angela. It's a nice product. Makes my skin feel all young and tingly ...
Walsh: Well, look, I'm just saying that maybe you should think about shutting it down this season; calling it quits. You don't want to ruin those pistons to the point where you can't even get out of bed in the morning, do you, Jerome?
James: I love lying in bed.
Walsh: Yeah, yeah, great. (Checks watch) Oh, look at that! I've got people to see, things to do, Jerome ...
James: (Stars getting up) Oh, sure, sure, no problem. I should hit probably the deli before the lunch crowd hits anyway. You know me, I gotta have my cold cuts.
Walsh: (Getting up from his desk) Yeah, yeah ...
James: (Walking to the door with his back turned) Well, it was great talking to, boss. Thanks for the kind words. I guess I'll see you at training cam—
(Walsh clubs James in the back with a baseball bat, and then starts bludgeoning the center's kneecaps)
Walsh: I'll call the press conference.