April 28, 2010
According to an Oklahoma City radio show, Los Angeles Lakers point guard — and pre-eminent playoff beard grower — Derek Fisher got into it with an enemy fan at a local Waffle House. Fisher has since disputed the claim, but there is evidence that has yet to be submitted to the court of public opinion. We got our hands on the surveillance tape and transcribed what "happened."
Derek Fisher: Hey, can I get a double waffle with chocolate chips, and an order of hash browns smothered, covered and chunked.
Waitress: Sure thing, hon'.
DF: Great, thanks.
Man in adjacent booth: Good order.
DF: Uh, yeah. Thanks.
Man: ...for an old man with a trimmed beard.
DF: Excuse me?
Man: I said your beard is weird. When you trim the underneath part like that, it hardly counts as a playoff beard.
DF: How did you know I'm growing a playoff beard?
Man: I read Ball Don't Lie, duh.
DF: Is that some Internet Web newspaper thing?
Man: Yeah, it's a blog.
DF: I've heard of blogs. Anyways, I just can't stand having that hair where my jaw meets my neck. It gets way too itchy.
Man: Yeah, that makes sense. I'm just messing with you, man. Good luck, but go Thunder.
DF: (laughs) Thanks, man. Take care. Enjoy your biscuits and gravy.
Man: Will do.
Front door shatters and Vin Diesel walks through the broken glass.
Vin Diesel: Yo. I need some corn.
Waitress: We don't have corn here. This is a Waffle House. And could you please back up?
VD: No. Get me corn.
Waitress: Seriously, we don't have corn. You'll have to go down to the farmer's market off Interstate 40. It's pretty reasonable.
DF: Hey, Vin. Get out of the lady's face.
VD: I'm in your face.
DF: No, you're not.
Vin Diesel gets in Derek Fisher's face.
VD: Now I am.
DF: OK. Then get out of my face.
VD: Not until I get my corn.
DF: Just go up to the farmer's market, man. It's only like a quarter-mile up the road.
VD: How far?
DF: Like a quarter-mile, maybe.
VD: Oh, good. That's not too far.
DF: Right. They've got tons of corn there.
VD: Cool, cool.
Vin turns to waitress.
VD: Sorry about the door, ma'am. Let me write you a check. Just wait until I finish "5 Fast 5 Furious" until you cash it. I'm really sorry about the inconvenience.
Vin writes a check then leaves through the broken glass door. The waitress serves Derek Fisher his waffles and hash browns. In the distance, an engine revs and squealing tires can be heard.