Ball Don't Lie - NBA

Reports out of the Bay Area have the Golden State Warriors near a deal to sign ex-Warrior Chris Webber to a free agent deal. This would reunite Webber with his one-time nemesis, then and current Warriors coach, Don Nelson.

The duo met last week at Webber's Sacramento-area restaurant, and we have to apologize to whoever created this back-and-forth. Thanks to a mole who was hired by Yahoo! to camp out in a dumbwaiter, we're able to bring you the chilling conversation that sealed the deal

Don Nelson: Hey Chris.

Chris Webber: Coach.

Nellie: Nice place.

C-Webb: Yeah, it's turned out pretty well. Did you get a drink?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: We have, y'know, the Johnny Walker Blue here.

Nellie: No, it's cool. I've a ride back. Plenty of little bottles in the back of the limo.

C-Webb: Cool.

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: So Mullin wants me?

Nellie: Guess so.

C-Webb: You cool with that?

Nellie: Whatever.

C-Webb: Because the Pistons ...

Nellie: Just stop.

C-Webb: Yeah.

(12 second pause.)

C-Webb: They don't want me.

Nellie: I know.

C-Webb: What'd you guys get for me, originally?

Nellie: Tom Gugliotta.

C-Webb: Good player.

Nellie: Good player.

C-Webb: And you turned him into ... ?

Nellie: They turned him into Donyell Marshall.

C-Webb: You weren't around then. And the Warriors got ...

Nellie: Danny Fortson and Adam Keefe. Four-way deal. I wasn't around for that.

C-Webb: No, no. It's cool. Just curious. You were with the Knicks, by then, right?

Nellie: No. I was with the Knicks during the Googs-for-Marshall deal.

C-Webb: Right, right. The Knicks. Anthony Mason as point forward, right?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: Convince Patrick to play off the ball?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: Yeah.

Nellie: Can you still dunk?

C-Webb: Yes.

Nellie: Cool. Just asking.

C-Webb: After the Knicks ... that was Dallas, right?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: Traded Sam Cassell, Jim Jackson, a bunch of guys for Shawn Bradley.

Nellie: It was an 11-player deal. There's a lot more to it than ...

C-Webb: But he was the main cog, right?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: But, you got rid of Chris Gatling. All-Star that same month. Traded him at his peak for Bradley, right?  Good deal.

Nellie: Are you still with Tyra, or ...

C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

Nellie: Is she on your cell phone? Could we call her? Could we talk to her, say, right now ... or do you have to call into her office?

C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

Nellie: That's good. That's good.

C-Webb: Yeah.

Nellie: I do have to say, it was a shame the way the refs let Samaki Walker guard you in the 2002 playoffs. I mean, there's no way Samaki Walker could stop Chris Webber from getting 30 and 15. No way he could stop you from getting to the Finals.

C-Webb: Yeah, well, that thing wasn't fair. Ralph Nader, in fact, put together a protest on our behalf.

Nellie: I hear he had to do that for Bob Pettit, after the 1958 Finals.

C-Webb: Really?

Nellie: No.

C-Webb: Yeah. Kind of set myself up for that one.

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: Let the son pass on re-signing Steve Nash in order to grab Erick Dampier?

Nellie: Are you still in touch with any of your 76ers teammates? You did play for them, right? I want to see what Calvin Booth is up to.

C-Webb: Why didn't you keep that mustache? That looked good.

Nellie: Did you shoot a free throw last year, or was that ...

C-Webb: Do you ask Baron Davis to stop shooting threes, or does he just hit you a lot?

Nellie: Has Michigan paid off its student-athlete loan, yet?

C-Webb: Did the NBA outlaw fish ties, or did they just manage to stop the Dewar's truck from hitting Milwaukee, first?

Nellie: Are you not allowed to show your championship rings at the restaurant, or ...

C-Webb: Are you only allowed to see yours once Dave Cowens has his yearly "Salsabration?"

Nellie: "Salsabration?"

C-Webb: It's a celebration, with lots of Mexican food and chips and salsa and the championship rings you earned off of his hard work.

Nellie: First of all, it's called "Cinco de Mustache," and that's where we don't shave for a month and show up on the fifth of July with our best mustaches, and secondly ... I don't know why I'm telling you this.

C-Webb: Because you want to sign me.

Nellie: I'm bored.

C-Webb: I know you are. It's cool.

Nellie: Seriously?

C-Webb: Yeah.

Nellie: Sorry about trading for Billy Owens.

C-Webb: He had skills.

Nellie: So did you.

C-Webb: What?

Nellie: Nothing.

C-Webb: I don't want to play defense, rebound, or play in the low post.

Nellie: I don't like defense, rebounding, or you.

C-Webb: What?

Nellie: You ... playing in the low post. If you're going to come back, you'll have to stop interrupting me.

C-Webb: Can I wear number 75? My cousin saw it in a dream about a license plate that was on the back of a swordfish.

Nellie: Does Austin Croshere wear a piece?

C-Webb: Deal. (To a waitress, who isn't listening) A Johnny Walker Blue neat, and a new round of mini southwestern wraps for my new coach!

Nellie: Do you want to work past May?

C-Webb:
No.

Nellie: Cool.

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