July 06, 2010
While LeBron James(notes), Dwyane Wade(notes) and Chris Bosh(notes) are the biggest free agents in a metaphorical sense, Shaquille O'Neal(notes) wins that title in the completely literal category because he's bigger than most people who have ever lived. While he is drawing interest from quite a few teams in his apparent quest to play for every franchise in the NBA, there's a chance he might not be a free agent much longer, with "free" being the operative word.
After breaking things off with his mistress, Vanessa Lopez, Shaq has had to endure a few legal battles, not to mention his ex-wife starring in "Basketball Wives." The latest complaint being brought against the 38-year-old big man is the funniest yet. From the strangely capitalized Mediatakeout:
According to Vanessa, Shaq runs an illegal computer hacking ring. And she claims that the enterprise violates the RICO statute (The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization Act is a statute used to put the MOB in jail and take their money).
So what's next. Well it doesn't look good for Shaq. According to one of MediaTakeOut.com's insiders,"They're suing under civil RICO, only the district attorney can bring a CRIMINAL RICO case. But now that [Vanessa and her attorney's] put it out there, I'd expect that there would be a CRIMINAL RICO investigation of Shaq very shortly."
You heard it here second — Shaquille O'Neal is the mastermind of an illegal computer hacking ring that may be prosecuted like a mob case in the 1950s. Totally makes sense, and totally a credible lawsuit that will for sure result in a severe punishment for O'Neal. He's probably one of those "Anonymous" guys on 4chan too.
Obviously this is silliness, through and through. There's just no way Shaquille O'Neal can be both a fake sheriff and the head of a computer-hacking organization. Exhibit A in this trial that will never take place should be Shaq's Twitter account. Just show a transcript of his feed to a judge and say, "Really?" Exhibit B can be the time he sang shirtless into a webcam. After those two pieces of evidence, I'd predict a flawless victory.