Ball Don't Lie - NBA

After over a decade of development and testing, the U.S. Department of Defense has unveiled its latest riot control weapon: the Big Shaq Scatter (BSS).

In the past few weeks, millions of dollars have been spent on testing and tweaking the device to make sure the new "non-lethal" weapon lived up to its name. In testing to date, the BSS has been used twice. (See video here.)

The BSS looks exactly like a large 7'1", 325-pound Hall-of-Fame center. When pointed at people and "released," it creates a peeing sensation in the crotchal area of its victims, causing them to want to leave the area immediately. The weapon has a range of about two meters or three rows deep.

The proposed "rules of engagement" for BSS are that anyone who keeps coming after taking a direct hit from the BSS is assumed to have evil intent. BSS is believed to be particularly useful to disperse large crowds. It may also be useful to eliminate evildoers who hide behind children, using the human shields to get close enough to make an attack. This situation was encountered in Phoenix.

While effective, there are problems with the BSS weapon. One, there is no such thing as a non-lethal weapon, only less-lethal ones. A BSS shot to the face will leave a mark. Second, the BSS technology is already considered outdated. As a result, scientists are working hard on ways to make the system lighter, more reliable, and able to operate in other environments.

The weapon's next generation, the Big Baby Scatter, is expected to be unveiled in May 2009.

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79 Comments

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  1. A Yahoo! User
    1. Posted by A Yahoo! User Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:04 pm EDT

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    Bitaw pildihunon jud ni ang suns
  2. A Yahoo! User
    2. Posted by A Yahoo! User Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:05 pm EDT

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    buang sad ni si steve kerr oi. pataka lang ug trade
  3. BL
    3. Posted by BL Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:54 pm EDT

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    that's the dumbest comment i have ever read.
  4. tikboar
    4. Posted by tikboar Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:10 pm EDT

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    What the hell are they talking about????
  5. [ Hidden ]
    5. Posted by [ Hidden ] Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:48 pm EDT

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    The guy wincing in the first row sort of looks like Kyle Korver...or Ashton Kutcher...take your pick. It's also nice to see Shaq move around like this once in a while... I keep forgetting that he's not just a tree stump...
  6. jimthewondermonkey
    6. Posted by jimthewondermonkey Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:35 pm EDT

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    cough..... nubs.... cough
  7. eljen
    7. Posted by eljen Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:42 pm EDT

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    dli lagi na mapildi and phoenix... Amare you da man! Shaq you THE BOMB! hahaha
  8. bildthril
    8. Posted by bildthril Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:06 pm EDT

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    I dunno why but they writing in tagalog on an english website... maybe they think they are being cute.
  9. wally a
    9. Posted by wally a Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:40 pm EDT

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    haha, shaq is more or less obsolete nowadays... or shaq can prove me wrong himself then.
  10. dane
    10. Posted by dane Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:45 pm EDT

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    wat d hell are no.2 and 3 talking about??haha..too bad u cant understand a pacific ocean language, tikboar!!:p...SUNS are better with shaq in the lineup..they can now stop your tim duncan!hihi
  11. Cap America
    11. Posted by Cap America Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:41 pm EDT

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    Haha tagalog is cute. but thing is, they're talking bisaya. or so think. shaq dako "otin" or something.
  12. mike c
    12. Posted by mike c Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:16 pm EDT

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    shaq sucks and so do the suns. There is no way there going to beat the lakers or the spurs in 7. kobe and the lakers #1.
  13. mike c
    13. Posted by mike c Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:16 pm EDT

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    shaq sucks and so do the suns. There is no way there going to beat the lakers or the spurs in 7. kobe and the lakers #1.
  14. mike c
    14. Posted by mike c Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:16 pm EDT

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    shaq sucks and so do the suns. There is no way there going to beat the lakers or the spurs in 7. kobe and the lakers #1.
  15. jeric s
    15. Posted by jeric s Thu Sep 03, 2009 9:26 pm EDT

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    its not tagalog... maybe bisaya or something....
  16. iakona
    16. Posted by iakona Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:56 pm EDT

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    Do you guys think you are Punny because you tell a couple of jokes at the Farty...Mabuhay!!!..Long live Big Shaq Diesel...
  17. A Yahoo! User
    17. Posted by A Yahoo! User Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:15 pm EDT

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    bill d thrill, suya lang ka. ahahahahah
  18. Seseng
    18. Posted by Seseng Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:41 pm EDT

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    What a big big big........loooossseeeerrrrrr!!!!!
  19. Tand T
    19. Posted by Tand T Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:14 pm EDT

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    next 5 games will tell the tail shaq starting to look real good i wouldnt count phx out s.a. looking bad the last game with l.a. game could have went either way tomorrow will tell alot v/s golden state
  20. Rommel
    20. Posted by Rommel Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:32 pm EDT

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    talaga kunnatun yatun... ma salsag kamu laman ngana anne ta macomento kamu paga.
  21. I work for Jokers Wyld
    21. Posted by I work for Jokers Wyld Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:34 pm EDT

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    How you figure the Suns are better than the Lakers they owned the Suns this year, they ain't got a prayer against the Lakers.
  22. dyords3gan
    22. Posted by dyords3gan Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:26 pm EDT

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    it's more bisaya - the visayan dialect - than tagalog... how rude of them, isn't it? maybe if they were a little bit more educated...
  23. thth
    23. Posted by thth Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:21 pm EDT

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    shaq is an idiot. he was lucky that kobe was his teammate. kobe was the reason lakers won 3 rings. Go lakers!!! Kobe is the greatest ever to play. If you dont think so, you must be very stupid.
  24. thth
    24. Posted by thth Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:21 pm EDT

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    who cares!! tagalog or bisaya, both sound really stupid. go lakers!!!! other teams suck
  25. vf1rj
    25. Posted by vf1rj Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:51 pm EDT

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    To those who posts using another dialect, shame on you. It's very impolite, and rude. And by the way, it's not tagalog, so I hope it will not have any negative perception of Filipinos.
    About Shaq, I have been a fan from the beginning, and I will be a fan forever, even after the NBA. I am glad that he is making a positive impact on the Suns, although i know he is capable of so much more.
    Do not let his low points fool you. Take a look at his field goals each game. He makes about 60-70 percent of his shots (like how he was in Orlando, Lakers, and Miami), but his shot attempts have been severely cut down. Shaq is still the same player he has been his whole career, and that is a very reliable scoring threat. BUT the problem now is, Pat Riley (this year) and the SUNS are not giving him the touches that he used to get when he was at Orlando and the Lakers. Phil Jackson said it best (read his book), he said that, "Shaq is most effective if he is the first option at scoring" (paraphrasing, of course, i just read it, i didn't memorize it after all). But, anyway, if Shaq will be given more touches, he will really be effective.
    Amare, Nash, and Hill will be more effective if Shaq gets double teamed, but which team will double team him if he will not go to the basket more often?
    As great an athlete Amare, Nash and Hill are, their points are higher than Shaq now, because they attempt more shots, but they miss more than they make. Shaq was the scoring champion of the NBA twice, AND he was the field goal percentage leader as well.
    So, Kobe, yes, you are a phenomenal player, but Shaq is more consistent with the basket. And if Shaq gets as much touches as you, his points will be a lot higher.
    To those who claim that shaq is too old, consider Nash who is 35, and Hill who is also 36 (i think he is older than shaq by a couple of months?). But the big difference is this, as a center, Shaq do not need to move so much. He will be effective even if he is slower. His size and presence will always make him one of the greatest centers in any age.
    Take Kenny Smith's words, when the Suns acquired Shaq, he said, "the Suns are basically getting the top 3 center in the NBA (1st is Yao Ming, 2nd Howard, btw, Tim Duncan should also be included, but Kenny Smith totally left him out, maybe an oversight), but Yao Ming is already out of commission. So that leaves Shaq and Howard. Not bad. But Shaq at Howard's age now was averaging just under 30pts a game, while Howard now is only averaging 24pts. Shaq is clearly the better center considering his entire career. But even today, if Shaq attempts as much shots as Howard, Shaq will clearly dominate in their stats comparison.
    Anyway, my point is, Shaq is only getting lower points now because the Suns are choosing to give him fewer shot attempts. If he gets more attempts, the Suns will be better, because Shaq actually makes most of his shots.

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